Dying is exhausting!

Movies lead you to believe that when you die it’s some easy drifting off into a peaceful sleep. It’s not. They don’t give you the never ending struggle before hand. I’ve seen movies where they really try and portray the hard up hill climb but unless your really experiencing it first hand, you can’t really ever truly get it.

I’m finding it really hard to look on the bright side at the moment, I’m getting very little sleep, migraines that could take down a small population, and all I can think about it how I wish I could be doing everything my friends are doing.

If I wasn’t ill I would have gone travelling. I would have gone and seen Auschwitz, seen the Castle of Versailles, seen the ruins of Pompeii, the history of Rome, travelled to St Petersburg, marvelled over the enormity of the Pyramids of Egypt, taken a ride on the Orient Express. I would have then attempted to get my degree at any university and then after I had gone and got all educated, I would have joined the RAF and followed in my parent’s footsteps.

I really am one of the most positive people you will ever meet but this week I’m finding it hard to wade my way through all the negativity that’s clouding my mind. For once in my life I would like to be normal. I’m not asking for a lavish lifestyle, I’m asking for a normal life, one where people only go to hospital for stupid things like breaking an arm, or needing your appendix out.

I know there are people who are worse off than me. It’s just sometimes it’s really hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel if you know what I mean, trust me I’m trying but so hard sometimes.

Sorry to be such a Debby downer today.

In more positive cheerful news I’ve officially started Christmas shopping. For those of you going What?! :-O In my family you have to be very prepared. I’ve got Megan’s Birthday and Christmas, my mum’s birthday and Christmas, Candice, Jaydon, Warren, James, and the new unnamed unidentified baby due on the 29th of December. I actually love Christmas it is my favourite time of year. I know people get stressed and grumpy because of all the fuss people make over it but for me the things love are, the temperature is a decent level for me, who doesn’t love their birthday?, I get to see my family who don’t live that close, I get to spend time with my family and we get to celebrate a wonderful occasion. It’s where some of my favourite memories come from.

I hope where ever you are you are smiling

Stacie xoxo 


  1. Hi hun, I totally get where you are coming from!! It is extremely difficult 'dying' it's painful, exhausting and pretty rubbish isn't it!! - Nothing like what they portray in films, or on silly soaps!
    I just wanted to say that just because you have the odd down day or a couple of days when you just feel miserable, it doesn't make you any less positive hun :)
    I always enjoy reading your blog and like you I like to think I'm very upbeat about everything and I hope I come across in my blogs as a positive person because I really am but some days I just want to curl up in bed and have a good old cry! Lol.
    Hope things pick up a bit soon my love, thinking of you xx

  2. Awww thank you Kerry. You most definatley do come across very postitive. I suppose for people like us your either positive or very horrible LOL.

    I'm feeling sooo much better today, I think the weather is just not agreeing with me at all! Humidity and PH do not mix which also means I'm not getting much sleep either but today I went shopping so feeling so much better about everything in general.

    Hope things go well at Papworth this week. We may one day come across each other. My next appointment isn't till November 2nd though (unless I get my transplant in the mean time LOL).

    Thanks for your comment Kerry has made me feel very good, I shall be sending lots of positive thoughts your way this week :-D


  3. Hey Stacie!

    I'm really sorry to hear you're not feeling very positive this week. I won't pretend to understand, but I'm amazed you have the energy and the mindset to stay so positive all the time. It's an incredible quality to posess. You have absolutely no reason to be sorry for having a down week. Everyone, especially you, has every right to sulk - it shows you're normal and that you have a real desire to fight.

    I also wanted to say that when you get you're transplant and you can travel, see all the sights you want to see - it will make everything worth while. You will appreciate it all so much more than other people and that's something you will be able to treasure.

    You really are an inspiration. Such a brave person with such a desire to carry on like normal and get better! I have every confidence in you. You make all my problems seem so small and that gives me perspective on my life. I would like to thank you for that.

    I noticed that you're feeling better today from your comment. Really glad to hear this :)

    Phil x

  4. Thank you Phil!I'm very much looking forward to going EVERYWHERE LOL. Positive attitude is very much back on track :-).


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