11.9.13

Questions...

Hey Blogland

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So today I'm kind of going to be addressing a few things that I hadn't really thought to talk about because I've kind of skimmed over them in the past but never really gone into them in like massive detail and in all honesty I kind of assume people already know the reason behind these things, which is completely naive because why would you but I think in my mind it would seem obvious. But at present  I have been asked quite a few times in the past few weeks the two of the same questions so I thought I would address them in a blogpost just to sort of get it out there and for anyone wondering but feels it's too rude to ask LOL. 

So these two questions have been;- Why don't I have a boyfriend?/Do plan on getting a boyfriend? & Can I have children?/Will I have children? or in these general formats. 

So lets address them shall we. 

For those wondering whether waiting for a transplant affects having a relationship and why I don't have a boyfriend this is for you. I would assume waiting for a transplant would put a strain on a relationship but for me I made the decision that I wouldn't even attempt to get a boyfriend till after I had my transplant. There are several reasons for this and quite a few of the people in my life think I'm being ridiculous and then there are others who completely understand where I'm coming from. So the first reason is that if I was to start dating someone that didn't know me or anything about me I wouldn't tell that person that I was ill/dying because how awkward would that make a first date "Oh yeah just one small thing, I'm dying and waiting for a transplant and I'm not likely to make it to my 25th birthday" that just stops any and all interest right there. Therefore i would obviously eventually have to tell that person and I would feel awful because I would have essentially tricked that person into a relationship without them knowing all the facts, and just put yourself in that situation and how awful you would feel. There's a massive difference if you are already in a relationship before this all goes down because they already love you and would go through the roller coaster that is transplant life with you because they love you, whereas trying to start a relationship when you already know that the probability of you dying is much harder. 

Then that brings into question a whole other set of questions, if I were by chance to find someone that was okay with the whole dying thing, waiting for a transplant thing, are they only staying with you 1. out of obligation? because they feel sorry for you? or 2. because they know you won't last that long? So they aren't actually committing to anything. It's a completely different kettle of fish to some-one who was in relationship years before any of the transplant stuff happens because those people know that their partners love them for them. 

Then there's the other reason that I don't want to add people to the list of people I already have to say goodbye to if I do die. It would be extremely selfish and indulgent of me to enter into a relationship with someone knowing that I might die in the near future, it just wouldn't be fair on that person. There are people who tell me that I'm being ridiculous and that most people wouldn't even think twice about the whole transplant thing but the people who tell me these things are people who have known me for years and have been on the journey with me, it's different coming into things this late in the game. But saying all this you can't plan these things and whatever happens happens. 

Onto the next topic, children. Can I have them? Do I plan to have them if I got my transplant?

The answer is simply no I can't have children. I can physically get pregnant but the actual process of carrying a child for 10months (not 9months it's a conspiracy LOL) and then actually having a baby would kill me. The strain on my heart and lungs would be too great and even for ordinary people with PH who aren't waiting for transplants the mortality rate for women having babies is 50% although I do believe this is getting better with better understanding and earlier diagnosis of PH. The problem is you would have to come off your medication whilst carrying a baby which in turn would mean your condition would get worse and it's just not physically possible for most of us. Then there's the fact I personally just wouldn't risk my own life to do that. 

Then even after transplant it isn't really an option. One of the first questions they asked me when they were assessing me for transplant was whether I wanted kids/planned on having them because they seriously frown upon it. Having a baby post transplant risks your new organs because once again you probably have to come off of most them because they would affect the baby and the meds you're on post transplant you take to keep those organs in good nick. I have known since I was about 11 years old that I wasn't going to have the typical get married have babies kind of life and I've very much accepted the fact that I can't have children and to be honest I probably wouldn't even adopt if I get my transplant. I have my nephews and nieces and I really like the fact that I get to be the cool aunty and none of the responsibility of parenthood because it looks damn hard. 

I feel like thats a bit controversial because whenever people find out that I can't have children they look at me with pity and say how sorry they are that that's the case but I genuinely don't mind and I actually don't think I would have children even if I could, and I usually tell them that and then they look at me like I'm crazy because what kind of person doesn't want children? Although saying that if I had grown up normally it could be a completely different answer. 

So there you have it guys. I'm sorry it's a little lengthy but it's just quite a few people have asked me recently and I just assumed everyone already knew but obviously that wasn't the case so now I can just direct people to this blogpost without tripping over my words trying to explain it to them. 

chat soon guys

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12 comments:

  1. Such an honest and personal post. Thank you. I understand where you're coming from and my heart (with no pity) goes out to you for all the things you had to accept along the way and adjust to and I think you're doing a great job of keeping positive and strong and I'm sure you'll have a great life whatever you decide about these matters.

    Renate from thecuriousklutz.blogspot.dk

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    1. Thank-you Renate, I made sure when I started this blog that I would be honest about what I wrote about and I'm pleased that you think I'm doing a great job sometimes you never know :)

      xoxo

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  2. Love your honesty in this blog post. And I think you have every right to your wishes/decision. People who have grown up differently than you cannot begin to understand the reasons and feelings behind your decisions, so they should be understanding :) you go girl :)

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  3. Fantastic blog as always Stacie, you explain your feelings well. You are such a lovely person and life has its little way of working things out when you least expect it and you will just know when the time is right.

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  4. Just discovered your blog & I love it. So honest and thoughtful which is so refreshing. I am not sure that I want kids & often get funny looks when I say that, especially to people who have kids already! I agree it looks like an enormous amount of work, and also a huge amount of sacrifice- that doesnt really appeal to me at all. Besides, how would I have enough time for my doggie if I had kids!? He's my number one. I've said that to a couple of women before when they've asked and their faces are brilliant! Well, in the end I got a bit bored of the 'oh you just dont understand' look!

    Sarah-Jane xo
    www.vintagemagpies.co.uk

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    1. It's very true the looks do normally come off of the people who already have kids. The self sacrifice doesn't appeal to me at all either ^_^. I have friends with dogs who say that their dogs may as well be children so thats why they don't need kids :D xoxo

      xoxo

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  5. A very brave post! Well done! I love your honesty and the way you deal with things :) x

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    1. Thank-you Kim I always try to be as honest as possible :) xoxo

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  6. This is such an honest and real post- your reasons for waiting for a boyfriend till after transplant are so thoughtful and selfless and show what a truly lovely person you are. Your positivity is inspirational. xxx

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    1. Thank-you thats extremely sweet of you to say :) xoxo

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Thank-you for commenting <3