What if...

Heya Blogland,

So the other night when I had my false alarm, it kind exposed me to fears I didn't even realise that I had.  I have the regular fears that I assume most of us who go through this have but then when I actually had this false alarm I was scared, really really scared! I'm usually pretty upbeat about it all and really positive about it and that it will happen but when I had that false alarm so many thoughts ran through my brain. 

I asked myself do I really want to do this? 

I have good days. Maybe I can live the rest of my life just with those good days? 

Am I really ill enough to be having a transplant?

Maybe I can accept just having the the time I have left? 

I had this massive urge to say no when it all looked like it was going to go ahead, I wouldn't have, but it was there! It's not so much the operation that I'm scared of so much as what happens afterwards. It's not your standard operation, no-one is the same when it comes to transplant. Everyone reacts differently and doctors cannot tell you ho exactly it will go when you wake up, they can tell you how it should go and how they want it to go but they can't guarantee thats how it'll happen.

The problem is I'm really worried about what will happen after. What if I'm worse afterwards? What if after all this waiting, and going through such a massive operation I come out of the other side worse off than I went in. There are absolutely no guarantees when it comes to transplant. It is probably the hardest road anyone can choose and I've done so willingly. 

I know that I will say yes when the time does actually come because it's either that or lay down and die but it will be the hardest choice I will ever have made for myself and there is a part of me that will always wonder if I'm making the right choice because I will never truly know until it's too late to do anything about it.

I know I shouldn't admit to being scared because thats not the Stacie everybody wants to see but unfortunately I'm a bit scared at the moment and I can't help asking myself if what I'm doing is the right decision. 

I guess only time will tell... 
Chat soon guys 


  1. It must be so scary!! Thinking of you x

  2. I am sure it will be fine, because you are young, you have better odds than most people having the same surgery. It will be fine, just be positive about it all. Remember that the surgeons know what they're doing, and you will be in safe hands when the time comes.
    Sarah xo

  3. I obviously don't know what you're going through and how it is like but I have been sick this whole year and had awful chest pain (fluid around the heart and lungs caused by SLE). I had moments where I asked myself the same question and I know things like this do change your life forever. Stay strong and I really really hope it gets better from here :)

    Designed by N x

  4. Everyone deserves and needs to have moments like this.

    Obviously I cannot imagine what you're going through, and it must be so difficult for you to keep a smiley happy face for those around you who you know want to do the worrying for you.

    But positive thinking creates positive outcomes (as corny as it sounds). I won't say 'don't think like that' because you're going to anyway - just feel guilt free about it! You deserve it :)

    Hmm maybe...

  5. Just stay strong girl! I know it's not easy but I told my father this ( not the girl part though :) when he had cancer and I think you should do the same! You can't change what's going to happen, so just be happy. I can't imagine how hard it is, but you have the support of a lot of people so hopefully that can cheer you up!


Thank-you for commenting <3