Why am I doing this?

Heya Blogland, 

So I think most of blogs are probably going to end up being written, like this one is, in the early hours of the morning. I've started my uni modules again and they are taking up some of my time and I'm trying not to procrastinate too much and in the attempt that means I'm trying to block myself off from my blog during the day time... it really is the ultimate procrastination tool. 

Since Kath's transplant and my false alarm I've been thinking so much of things I want to do once I get my transplant because I think that will also help me when I get my call to be a bit more calm as well and to remember why exactly it is I'm doing this. 

I think sometimes the problem when you're ill and especially when you've been ill for you entire life is that you forget about some of the things you can't do or have never been able to do. There are some of the obvious ones that you can't forget because they are there on a daily basis like washing and showering, today I had a bit of a rant on my Facebook because since having this line in my chest I can't indulge in something that I have always loved which is the simplest of things which is having the water up to my neck in the bathtub and you know when you want to plunge yourself underneath the water, I can't do that not with my line, and I miss it.

Some other obvious things would be being able to walk further than a few feet without dying and not looking like a total prat when you have to stop about 10 feet away from where you started, or simply not annoying people when you suddenly stop in front of them. Then the basic human right of just breathing, to find out what it is to be normal in that regard. I have no idea because I grew up this way and I know it's gradually gotten worse as I have gotten older but even as a child I found breathing whilst walking and talking etc. a task and it would just be interesting to find out what it is like for the rest of guys who can breathe normally, I really want to find out what it's like to really be able to breathe! 

Then there's other things like being able to go somewhere without having to find out whether there's a hill I'm not going to be able to go up. There are specific places in this country that I avoid for this very reason because they are too hilly and I just know I would not be able to cope with them and to be able to go somewhere and just discover it without worrying what the layout of it is like would be amazing. 

As children my parents kept me and my sisters very active, I always went at my pace but we still went out a lot. Being an RAF family we always lived near the countryside and my Dad's side of the family also live in Devon and we had a lot of trips down there as children/teenagers and that place is countryside heaven. Some of my fondest memories are of us just trekking across fields, through forests, over streams, getting pricked by stinging nettles and having to find those dot leaves (you know the ones), climbing trees. There's one of those massive chalk horses near where we are and there's this hill and even though I had to go at what was a snails pace we'd climb up them, we'd walk round Avebury for hours. I can't wait to be able to do that again, do it with my nephews because even though you weren't doing what you would traditionally classify as fun it always was! This is especially when it started to get colder and you would wrap up in a massive coat, scarf, gloves, wellies the whole shebang and you'd come home after walking who knows how many miles and just feel really great like you had accomplished something, when you really hadn't, and it was always a good way for us to spend family time as well. I just really miss the ability to walk it may have been hard when I was kid but at least I could do it, sort of,  and even if my transplant only takes me back to that kind of ability that will be more than enough for me because it's certainly more that I can do now. 

Although I'm not someone who wants to drink, because I have never been able to drink and it's not something I feel like I'm missing out on (some people can make total idiots out of themselves when they are drunk!), it would be really nice to be able to go to a party and have a cocktail and not worry that there's booze in it, at the moment thats just not possible with the way my heart is and the drugs I'm on alcohol just isn't an option. To be honest if I got told I couldn't drink for the rest of my life it's really not something that would affect me in the slightest. I think I'm just curious because I think I would be a cocktail girl :D. 

Going on holiday with my family! Believe it or not me and my family have never been on a family holiday together, I don't even own a passport,  I know this is down to me because my family won't go on a holiday without me. My sisters have gone on their little holidays and that kind of thing but as a whole unit it's just never happen and I know it's because of me I just really want to be able to do that with them, it seems like something every family should do at least once even if it is to learn that you should never do it again lol. 

Be a able to wear heels for an entire evening! Now this may sound really stupid but if I go out on a night out and you see me in heels do not expect me to be in them for more than an hour, that is how long I last in heels. Not because they hurt my feet, I'm actually very comfortable in heels but because they make walking about 10 million times harder for me, I get out of breath 10x faster and the distance I walk becomes 10x shorter, so I usually wear heels so that people see the entire outfit together then they come off LOL. 

I want to learn how to swim properly! I've never really been able to swim, the first swimming lesson I went to when I was about 5 I went blue and they had to pull me out of the water and I was just floating thats it. I think if it were a life or death situation I would be able to paddle but the pressure of the water is too much for me. I'm also extremely afraid of water in the sense that I might drown and that scares me but we can work on that as soon as I have to ability to swim. 

There are many, many more things that are the reasons why I'm doing this but I thought this was getting long so I'm sure I'll do another post at some point but for now there you are guys :) 

Chat soon guys 

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