New Year, New Me?

Good Morning my dear Blogland, 

So today is New Years Eve and coincidentally my Nephews First Birthday also. This year I seem to have failed to make any sort of New Years resolutions, everyone always seems so dead set on changing themselves when the new year comes in "This year I'll do such and such", "I'll make sure I do this." Normally I'm right there along side them, this year however I'm content with myself. I'm happy with who I am I want to plan and do more things and see more people but I wouldn't class that as a resolution per se. To be Honest this year I'm quite happy to just make it through the year, no changing myself and trying to make myself a better person, I just want to make it to 2015. 

This year is what I consider my year of uncertainty, I think this year will either make me or break me. I kind of knew I would make it through 2013 even with the minor near death experience in the middle, but whats life without a few near death experiences thrown in there for fun? This year I'm not sure. Right now I feel okay, I've obviously felt better but it's more of a slowly creeping feeling of tired, an exhaustion feeling. Getting up gets harder, little things like making a bed get harder just things like that. My chest pains have been getting worse sometimes to the point where I'm in physical agony, nothing helps it's just something that comes with chronic pain and something you have to adjust and get used to. If I stay as I am I think I may just make it but unfortunately with the unpredictable nature of my condition that's probably unlikely, I like to think I can stay at this level for a while though or at least for long enough.  

So although my year is unpredictable and unsure, I hope you all have a wonderful New Year and that whatever it has in store for you, you have fun along the way! 

Chat soon guys 


Christmas time...

Heya Blogland, 

So Christmas has come and gone, if you're anything like me you spent the past 3 months preparing for what seems like the fastest day of the year. Blink and you'll miss type of deal lol. 

I was very fortunate to be able to spend my Christmas with my wonderful and amazing family whom I love and adore. Christmas Eve was pretty boring, it mainly consisted of me trying not to fall asleep because I didn't go to bed the previous evening until about 3/4am and forced myself up at 9 am knowing that I wouldn't be able to sleep that night if I didn't. I pretty much spent the day chilling out with my Dad watching christmas movies. Then in the evening we were joined by the rest of my family and because no-body could be bothered to cook we ordered Dominos. I was then left in charge of my oldest nephew Jaydon to try and keep him occupied whilst the 'Santa's' smuggled his presents out into the car LOL. I really wasn't very successful and he's far to inquisitive but they managed it in the end :). Even though I had been shattered the entire day just like every other year I managed to become wide awake as soon as it was time to go to sleep, I lay staring at my ceiling from 11pm till around 2:30am or at least that was the time the last time I checked my phone LOL and because I'm still a child at heart my body then proceeded to wake me up at 5am! I don't have a clue what's wrong with me sometimes. 

Christmas was AWESOME I got far more than I deserve and I love everything I got! A particular favourite being my MAC palette with 4 eye shadows and now I cannot wait to buy more to fill it with. I feel very lucky and privileged to have such an amazing family. I had hoped that I woundn't need to wear my oxygen this year but unfortunately only getting about 2 and half hours sleep rendered that impossible lol. So I spent the morning investigating all my presents while my Mum and Dad scurried around preparing Lunch which smelt amazing! I finally got an opportunity to wear my Birthday Lipsy dress. Then my Twin sister Meggy and her Fiancee James arrived around 11:30am and they seemed very chuffed with all their gifts too.  Lunch was UH-mazing as per usual. My mum and dad make THE best roast potatoes in the history of the world, and I finally got my Gammon fix that I have been craving for freaking weeks LOL. 

After being well and truly stuffed we had our table presents which this year consisted of scratch cards, I'm officially the unluckiest human being in the world I never win anything :( lol. We played with our racing Santa's that came from our crackers and there was far much cheating going on to actually call a winner although Megan unrightly claimed to be so LOL. We then made our way to my older sisters house at about 2:30pm where there was a very excited nephew who now really understands Christmas. We stayed there for a few hours and then finally made it home where I pretty much wanted to pass out for the rest of the day but managed to hold it together to watch Doctor Who (EPIC) and Downton Abbey, then I slept for a blissful 13 hours :D. 

Christmas Eve ~ Candice, Peggy and Jaydon
Christmas Eve ~ Warren, Jaydon and Me
Christmas Eve/Day ~ All my lovely gifts wrapped looking lovely and Christmasy  
Christmas Day ~ My favourite gift ever!
Christmas Day ~ New nail kit, really good so far! 
Christmas Day ~ Most of my presents unwrapped :) 
Christmas Day ~ My gorgeous Twinny and I 
Christmas Day ~ James and Peggy  
Christmas Day ~ At the older sisters house :) 
Christmas Day ~ Classic sisters photo :) 

Chat soon guys 


Christmas Wishes...

Every year I make wishes, especially at Christmas time, it's just that sort of time where you're thankful for what you have but there is so many other things you can think of that would make your life better for the coming year that you can't help but wish for some of the things that would help do that. I don't know why we do it because who are we expecting to make these wishes come true? I don't believe in god so I suppose I'm just throwing it out there in the universe in the hopes that whatever it is that's out there makes them come true. Or we just make them because they make us feel better, it makes us thankful for what we have but it gets off our chest what we're worried about and that right there just makes us feel a little better. 

I make some of the same ones every year. I wish my family could have just a little more money, not to be extortionately rich but just to make life easier. As much as I hate this about the world, and hate that this is the way it is, money does make life easier. It's not that we don't have a good life because we do but I would just like that little extra so my parents wouldn't have to work so hard, so that when things break you don't have to worry about when you're going to be able to replace it and you can just go buy a new one. Just little things like that, that would make life just that little easier on my family.

I always without fail wish to be skinnier. That kind of came true this year I'm over 2 stone lighter than I was last christmas although even with that weightloss I don't think I will ever be happy with my weight, it's just one of those things lol. 

Then since being put on the transplant list there is my extensive list of wishes that I make for everyone. I wish that all my fellow awaitees get their calls or at least stay healthy enough that they will be able to have their transplant in the end. I wish for my very close transplant friends that they don't have to wait any longer and I definitely got some wishes answered this year and so instead I will wish that their lovely shiny new organs stay all shiny and they stay healthy and thrive in the new lives they have been given. Then I wish on behalf of everyone post transplant that they stay healthy too. 

I also make sure that my family and friends are included I wish this year that my family have an easier year next year, this one has been a bit of a tough one for them, I'd like life to just give them a bit of a break this year. 

I suppose there's only so many wishes you can make really, and as much as I want to be selfish and say I wish to get my transplant and then go on and live my life the way I've always wanted, because that is what I want to say, with all my heart that is what I want to say, but if I have to choose one of my wishes it will always be everybody else. What is my life if everyone around me isn't well? isn't happy? Isn't doing the things they love? aren't thriving? 

I so hope that this year is my year because I'm not entirely sure I'll make it to the next one but my Christmas wish will always be that I want all my friends, family, transplant friends and PH friends to stay healthy and happy for the coming year and that will make me happy and be enough for me I think.

In the mean time I'd like to wish every-one a very Happy Christmas wherever you are and however you you are spending it, I'm sure my next blogpost will be full of christmasy things for you to enjoy :) 

Chat soon guys 


Too much thinking...

Hey Blogland, 

So today I have come to the conclusion that the reason I'm in the rut I'm in is because I am thinking way to much about this whole transplant thing. I haven't thought this much about it ever! This past week/2weeks it has been there niggling on my mind pretty much none stop all day everyday. That cannot be good for me psychologically speaking at least to have something constantly on the brain all the time, it is literally the first thing I think about when I wake up and the last thing I torment myself about before I go to bed and it really just isn't good for me. The constant wondering and worrying over something that may never happen is just stupid. 

So ultimately I have come to conclusion that I'm ignoring it till after Christmas, if it happens before Christmas then whoop happy days but I'm just going to enjoy the Christmas season like I always do, thinking about something all of the time is really just so draining. 

I think I just have to believe that there is obviously a reason it hasn't happened yet... I don't know what that reason is (I'm hoping it's a good reason lol) but it's not something that can be rushed and I need to realise that this isn't something I can control. I just have to believe it WILL happen eventually and all I can do in the mean time is things I can control like my weight, keeping myself in the best condition possible for  it when it does happen because that will make the world of difference when it does happen. 

I'm kind of hoping it is next year now though because if you guys remember I said how the number 14 was my number, well it is 2014 next year so maybe that is my year and maybe I should never have expected it to happen in any other year? LOL      

Chat soon guys 


Birthday Haul...

Hey Blogland, 

So considering my last blog was a bit depressing I thought today's could be cheerier and as it was my birthday yesterday/Saturday I thought I would show you the things I got for my Birthday which I'm so thankful for and love them all! Just a little note from my last blog post because I did get a lot of messages from people asking me if I was okay and all that type of stuff and I love everybody for the messages of support and love, but I am okay, I still feel a little down but I do have more down days that I lead people to believe and unfortunately my last blogpost was a very, very down day which don't happen to often and when they do no-body is around to see them and I usually don't blog about them lol. But just so everyone knows I'm really fine and feeling much better and getting really into the christmas spirit :D. 

So moving on here are the things I got for my Birthday :) 

Watch from my Parents - Beautiful bracelet from Tracy 
Ted Baker Make-up bag from my bestie Rosie and little little mini Ted Baker smellies 
City of Bones series LOVE! and Great and powerful oz DVD :)

Manicure stuff from the Lovely Kirstie
Gorgeous smelling smellies from the wonderful Kath and Rob (they smell insane!) 
Soap and Glory goodies :D
Beautiful scarf and things to keep my lips in good nick from my awesome big sister 
Lots of lush bath bombs from the Big sister she also brought me Ferrero Rocher but they did not make it long enough to have a photo taken lol 
My beautiful bag from Topshop
My really pretty dress from Lipsy really hard to take a photo on my own LOL
A closer view of the dress
This dress was the dress my awesome twinny got me and I'm so in love with it :D
I also got tickets to see Ant and Dec's Saturday Night Take away tour in August next year from Meggy's Fiancee James and I'm so excited to see them, I love Ant and Dec! Tah Dar and that is everything, I love everything I got yesterday and can't thank every-body enough for the presents and card etc. 

I haven't been that excited about turning 23 if I'm honest but yesterday was really just so much fun as I got to go out on my christmas work meal last night as well which was just one massive laugh. I'm going to stick the link in to my Birthday album on Facebook so you guys can see the pictures but there was far to many to post on my blog this year lol, so I hope you enjoy them :) 

Chat soon guys 


Creeping doubt...

Heya Blogland,

So today I've kind of been avoiding the world. I'm an absolute weird mix of emotions today I know 4 people who have had their transplants this week thats insane and amazing I'm so happy for all of them they all really, really deserve the lungs they all got/are getting as I type and they are such lovely girls as well.

I'm so happy but I'm so sad at the same time. I've just got this creeping feeling that I'm going to be waiting for the rest of my life for something that may never happen. I'm so trying to be positive and  that it will happen because it has to, but this like mass of doubt is like hovering over me today. I feel very alone like nobody has a clue and I know that it's ridiculous for me to feel like this because my transplant still might happen and I'll look back on this blogpost and think why was I being such an idiot?

I don't know why I'm being such an idiot I should be getting really excited for my Birthday on Saturday and Christmas but I can't help thinking that on the 20th I will have been waiting 20 months and that is just a little stupid. I want to get on with my life and get out of this perpetual limbo that I seem to be in, I'm not sure what my life has in store for me but I want so badly to just be able to find out without the restrictions my life brings with it. Or I just would love to be able to know, really know whether I'm going to get my call, because if it's not going to happen I'd like to know so I could at least make the most of the rest of my life no matter how long it is.

I promise my next blog won't be so depressing and I will have got a grip so I can enjoy my birthday :)

Chat soon guys 


Happy Dance...

Hey Blogland, 
So today I am doing a massive happy dance! I don't care that work was miserable and I had to serve the grumpiest people on the planet and that I felt like crap afterwards because I got to Speak to Bernice today! 

Now since Bernice got her transplant I've being getting regular updates through her mum, which has been awesome and I'm so thankful for them because they make me feel a little better and I know that she is okay. But today I actually physically got to speak to Bernice and it is just like the biggest most massive sigh of relief because I know that Bernice will tell me exactly how she is feeling and I really know she is okay now. She seems to be doing wonderfully, she's been moved to the Mallard ward which is the ward they move you to after the ICU, she's only on paracetamol, no oxygen and a few drains have been removed too. 

She told me that she remembers having the tube down her throat which is something I know we were both worried about and I still am obviously but I'm trying to take it in my stride and hoping it won't be that bad, I just have to not think about it when I get my call or we know I'll be super anxious about it. I'm so pleased she didn't lie to me about it though because the doctors keep telling me I'll be completely out of it to remember so far everyone I've come across remembers. I would much rather be told the truth so I can prepare myself for it. 

So now that I know Bernice is A okay I can now buy her present which I'm super excited about and just knowing that Bernice is okay is making me SO excited to get my transplant it's going to be AWESOME!

Chat soon guys 



Hey Blogland, 

So this morning I woke up to do my morning drugs as I normally do and I checked my phone like I normally do, only to find a text and a missed call from my friend Bernice. Firstly I thought "crap why didn't I hear it ring" and secondly I thought "omg". Bernice rang me to let me know that she had got her very shiny new lungs! Now of course I'm always pleased to hear about someone getting their call but usually that is always tinged with a little jealousy but once again, like with Kath's call, I couldn't be happier there isn't a jealous feeling to be had within me. I'm just so excited for Bernice. 

Me and Bernice have become really good friends over the past year and she has always been a massive support when I've needed her, we're the same age and go to the same hospital and all that helps. I'm just so pleased for her because I know her hospital trips had started to become more frequent and she was starting to need more help with things like breathing and I'm just so happy that her call came just in time for Christmas. 

It would be super cool if I got my call now, then I'd have someone to recover with and talk to. I will definitely be trying to make a visit up there when I know that she is on the mend. 

I kind of feel like I'm the only one left, I know I'm not, but when I was first put on the list I made friends with a bunch of people who were also on the list and most of them have either had their transplants or have died and I just sort feel like everyone is moving on. Although saying that I would rather it be me waiting than someone else, although not forever I hope.  I'm extremely lucky that I don't have the hospital stays that some of my fellow awaitees have to have, I get to be at home and spend time with my family, not in some hospital getting poked and prodded. Don't get me wrong I'm still very ill and definitely getting worse as pointed out by my lovely doctors but I feel so lucky to be able to wait at home and avoid hospital where I can. I know a lot of people in my position that simply don't have that luxury. 

So, please keep Bernice in your thoughts today that everything goes well and also for the donor family that have given her this amazing gift! 

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Why I believe in miracles

The life I have led has made me very cynical, I believe in very little anymore. You wouldn't think so when you meet me because I love disney, seriously hope that somewhere the world of Harry Potter does exist along with the world of Doctor Who and I'm one of the cheeriest people you will ever meet. All that being said I don't believe in much, there is no god in my opinion, I never believed in Santa, the tooth fairy definitely did not exist along with the easter bunny and all those other things you lie to your kids about, but one thing that I will forever believe in is miracles! I believe that even in the darkest times even a small ray of light can shine through. I may not believe in much but the one thing I do believe in is certainly worth my belief. I think people wonder why I'm so sure I'll get my transplant and it is quite simply because of this reason, miracles happen everyday you just don't see them unless you're directly affected by them. For me everyday I wake up is a miracle and I'm thankful for that everyday even if I don't say it and I will never stop believing in them because the day I do is the day you know I've given up.   

Chat soon guys