10.12.13

Creeping doubt...

Heya Blogland,

So today I've kind of been avoiding the world. I'm an absolute weird mix of emotions today I know 4 people who have had their transplants this week thats insane and amazing I'm so happy for all of them they all really, really deserve the lungs they all got/are getting as I type and they are such lovely girls as well.

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I'm so happy but I'm so sad at the same time. I've just got this creeping feeling that I'm going to be waiting for the rest of my life for something that may never happen. I'm so trying to be positive and  that it will happen because it has to, but this like mass of doubt is like hovering over me today. I feel very alone like nobody has a clue and I know that it's ridiculous for me to feel like this because my transplant still might happen and I'll look back on this blogpost and think why was I being such an idiot?

I don't know why I'm being such an idiot I should be getting really excited for my Birthday on Saturday and Christmas but I can't help thinking that on the 20th I will have been waiting 20 months and that is just a little stupid. I want to get on with my life and get out of this perpetual limbo that I seem to be in, I'm not sure what my life has in store for me but I want so badly to just be able to find out without the restrictions my life brings with it. Or I just would love to be able to know, really know whether I'm going to get my call, because if it's not going to happen I'd like to know so I could at least make the most of the rest of my life no matter how long it is.

I promise my next blog won't be so depressing and I will have got a grip so I can enjoy my birthday :)

Chat soon guys 
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3 comments:

  1. Birthdays are a time to evaluate and plan for the year to come make some nice plans and try not to get down. You must hold on and keep positive it will happen but dont put your life on hold while you wait. Live every day to the max you deserve to! So that when your call does come you will be ready to live your new life:)

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  2. I hope today is a better, brighter day for you. You are so strong allllllll the time, and very patient! You are entitled to have these kind of days! Your birthday is almost here - hopefully all the celebrating will cheer you up too!

    Love from California,

    Lori

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  3. I am so sorry that you are feeling this way! But don't beat yourself up about it you are so strong and optimistic but you're allowed to have your doubts and fears too. Your turn is coming though! Hope you are having a wonderful holiday season!

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Thank-you for commenting <3