18.1.14

Thoughts, lots and lots of thoughts...

Hey Blogland

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This week has been an odd one for me, I've been up and down like a yo yo. I've kind of been stuck at home due to whole collapsing incident and Hammersmith seem a bit worried so we're all just being a little careful, especially considering I'm so used to being independent a going places and doing things by myself we just want to make sure nothing happens when some-one isn't with me. As much as I like being home when you're kind of forced to be at home all you can thing about is not being at home so that sort of had me down a little. Then that gives me time to think and I think far too much, too much for my own good sometimes. 

It was sort of on a 'Woe is me" trip this week. Why am I still waiting? Surely 23 years of fighting is long enough for the universe? Why does the universe hate me? Why does everyone get to move on with their lives? Why can't my body give me a break? Why am I the only one left still waiting? ( <-- I know this one IS NOT true but I was being over exaggerating Stacie this week lol). I just felt stuck. Stuck where I am whilst everybody else gets to move on and do all these amazing, wonderful, fulfilling things with their lives. I felt and definitely still do feel like I've served my time 23 years fighting with my own body, if I had been serving a sentence I feel like I've definitely done my time. Then add to that waiting for something for nearly 21 months, all of it was coming together in my brain and just really dragging me down. It seems far to easily done nowadays.  

I sort of gave myself a break from things like Facebook this week, I was still around checking out Twitter and making sure things weren't going completely tits up with friends but it was good to just give myself a bit of a social media break for a while. Still been talking to my friends because well you know thats the miracle of a telephone and texting lol and they all keep me grounded and sane and bring me back down to reality and help me think of their problems and other normal life things and take my mind off of my stuff that I shouldn't think too much about. I don't know if they realise how much it helps to think about their stuff rather than mine.

I did however seem to pick myself up a little and now that I have an appointment with Hammersmith on Monday, this house arrest thing, is near it's end and they'll hopefully be able to up my Flolan which if we're lucky will do the trick. They'll also be doing a few tests while I'm there to make sure it's nothing sinister because for about 7 days now my oxygen level has been in the very low 80's so clearly there's something going on as that just isn't normal for me. They may also do a CT scan while I'm there to check out my chest and my head as well because the numb arms isn't a regular thing so they'll be checking for things like trapped nerves, blood clots or if it's brain related so fun times!

I feel cheerier though at the moment I'm kind of just thinking, whatever happens, happens. I had hoped that the stress I had anticipated for this year would have been later on in the year but I suppose I was going to have to deal with it at some point, so why not now? It's just another hurdle in my life, one I fully intend to conquer. 

I feel hopeful though... still! and I think thats a good thing... So long as I'm hopeful I'm pretty sure I can carry on waiting for as long as life needs me to. Life is obviously just seeing how far I can stretch and I think I'm pretty stretchy :)      
Chat soon guys 
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1 comment:

  1. Oh Stacie I know exactly how you feel. Sometimes I feel I'm the only one waiting but it's not true. Just try and think about Kath and how long she waited. She got there in the end and so will you, and me. Hope you have good news on Monday. Chin up lady. Xxxx

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