23.2.14

Worries...

So I'm feeling a bit better after being on these antibiotics finally, I thought I was going to feel like crap for the whole of 2014, haha! 

I can't say I've been feeling amazing in myself really. I don't know what it is that has suddenly got in my head but at night time I just lay awake to afraid to go to sleep because I'm suddenly really afraid I'm going to die in my sleep. The past few days haven't been so bad because I've been so exhausted that I've just fallen asleep without having to think about it much but in those days when you really have to lay there a while before you fall asleep I get it in my mind that I'm going to die. It's really odd! 

I don't really know how to explain it properly to anyone I've tried to explain it to my sister and my mum, but my body has just felt really unusual the last few weeks, like it's not me. I would try and explain the feeling to you but it just wouldn't come out right and you would probably end up thinking I'm a nut job lol! I suppose I can explain some things to you like the fact that I'm very aware of my heart beat, I have always been but the past few weeks it's just been there, thumping in my ears at night and with this minor infection and my cold my heart rate has increased and it's something I've noticed as I generally know it before I even find out for definite using my little finger machine thing. It freaks me out a little, my chest is feeling a lot tighter lately and it definitley feels like my lungs are way to big of my rib cage and I think that's a main reason why I'm so paranoid thinking I'm going to pop my clogs in the middle of the night because breathing has become somewhat harder lately and I suppose you always relate that to being a main necessity of staying alive lol. 

I dunno there are other things that are too hard for me to describe to you guys via my blog but I suppose it's just making me really anxious and worried about it especially at night time because I'm by myself in my bedroom and everyone tends to be asleep I suppose I just feel a lot more vulnerable than during the daytime with everyone around.

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That was last nights mini panic ^  ^  ^   ^   ^   ^   ^ lol I never know whether to post the little panics I have in the early hours of the morning I've written a fair few in my time and a lot of them get deleted because I think they must just seem stupid.

I can't say I'm feeling that much better today I keep hearing about people getting their transplants and there is just part of me that every time I hear about another person having their transplant it just seems to scream in my mind that I won't be getting mine, especially when you hear that they've only been waiting such and such a time and I just keep asking myself what the hell did I do that means I'm having to wait this long? The rational part of me is aways pleased for whoever it is that got their call and the rational part of me is constantly having to remind me that it's about the match and not the wait time and I understand that but 22+months and the rational Stacie that I like is slowly getting pushed out of the window and irrational Stacie seems to be taking her place.

It's okay though I'm off to the cinema and ice-cream and popcorn will help send me into a food induced coma that will help me forget ;). Food is ALWAYS the answer :D


 Chat soon guys 
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5 comments:

  1. Still praying for you Stacie. With everyone wishing for you it has to happen soon.

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  2. Stacie I do feel for you, thinking like you do is not irrational but quite normal. The more you have a panic you are going to become very aware of your heart beats. I wish I could wave a magic wand and you would be over your transplant, and not have all these fears and worries, I'm sure it will not be far away xxxxx

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  3. Oh Stacie your feelings at the moment are not irrational but quite normal. The more you have these panic attacks you are going to become more aware of your heartbeats. I wish I could wave a magic wand and you would be over your transplant, living a PH free life, your transplant will come soon I'm sure. xxxxx

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  4. I really hope everything will turn for the better, I am faithful that the transplant will come soon!
    Good luck, you deserve it

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  5. Take care Stacie! Praying for you <3

    -Riley XO
    smilesnomatter.blogspot.com

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Thank-you for commenting <3