18.3.14

It's okay to be afraid...

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This was written a few days ago and it has taken me a few days to not pluck up the nerve per se but just to sort of be okay to post it, if that makes sense? I'm feeling much better since I wrote this and way, way better since the 'incident' LOL but still feel like it should be posted because of self reflection and all that jazz, if anyone has any clue what I'm rambling on about :) 

 Hey Guys, 

So this isn't a feel sorry for me blog. It is in fact a blog I don't want to be writing at all but I feel like I have to write it, because if I don't I feel like it would be too easy for me to forget about it and sweep it under the rug as if it never happened like I have been for the past few days. It's not that I want you all to be reading about it either because I don't like to appear weak, but I think this will be good for future me to see, it's something that I need to put down so that I remember after I get my transplant how far I will have (hopefully) come and how low I did get.

I have become a professional at being positive because I am, I am a positive, look on the brighter side of life, see the light at the end of the tunnel type of person. I always have been. The problem is when you are that type of person you bottle everything up and I mean everything. I do not let my parents see the things I worry about and the past 2/3 months have been really hard for me.

A few days ago I had a awful dream! I don't normally dream and this dream was so horrible and life-like and I woke up from it feeling like I couldn't breathe. What was the dream? Well it probably seems really stupid to anyone else but I dreamt that I pulled out my line from chest and suddenly couldn't breathe and I honestly felt like I could feel the pain. When I woke up I had to check about 20 times before I was 100% sure I actually hadn't really pulled it out, it felt that real.

So I had all this on my mind and then I still keep going to sleep thinking I'm going to die and can't seem to get it out of my head. My entire life I have known that I would not be making it to 80 or 60 years old. I have always known that I will be extremely lucky to see my 30th Birthday. It's just one of the many sad and unavoidable facts of my life. So for as long as I could remember I knew that I would die long before my family, it is something I have always known. The thing is I always used to be able to ignore it, it's never been something that has taken up a massive amount of room in my mind. However recently it is one of the only things I can think about. 

Death is something that has always been a very real part of my life, I thought I had accepted it. That is up until quite recently, it seems to be becoming more and more real for me and I'm not sure why but I've suddenly become very scared about it. I really do not want to die. I'm so afraid that I m going to be in a horrendous amount of pain or that I am going to be alone when it happens and I quite simply do not want to leave my family.

So all of that up there seems to have been building up for the past 2/3 months and the other day I felt a bit off and decided to go to bed and my mum came to say goodnight, she could tell I wasn't quite myself and asked me if I was alright and suddenly there's me bursting into floods of tears unable to keep anything in. I literally cried in my mum's arms for about an hour and she stayed with me for the rest of the night. I don't know what was wrong with me, I'm usually so good at keeping everything in and I like it that way because I don't want to upset people. I think it freaked them out because trying to think about it I don't actually remember the last time I cried in front of my parents it happens that little.

The reason I titled this blog "It's okay to be afraid..." though is because although I hate myself for being so afraid I think it's ultimately a good thing because being afraid of dying, of leaving, means I still have people, things I'm afraid of losing. It means I still have people in my life that mean so much to me that I simply do not want to leave them.

Chat soon guys 
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10 comments:

  1. Hi Stacie. I've been reading your blog for quite a while so apologies for not commenting before now! Just wanted to say that you are remarkably brave and it sounds like you cope so well with everything you're going through, but it's definitely ok to feel afraid! And thank you for sharing your story :) Becki x

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    1. HI Becki, Thank-you for commenting and thank-you for being so lovely :) xoxo

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  2. it's hard for any of us not in your situation to imagine the fear your going through, all I can say is that you are so , so brave. I don't no how I would cope in your situation but im pretty damn sure I would not cope no where near as you, your right it's okay to be afraid and sometimes you need to let things out! your inspirational xx

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  3. Stacie this is a wonderful honest blog. Sometimes, especially if in our position the fear is not of dying but when and how. My biggest fear is dying during transplant because I will be among strangers and won't have a chance to say goodbye. We all need a safety valve and your tears were yours. My safety valve is anger so I think you got the better deal. You will make it Stacie, you just need to hold on until the time is right. Love and hugs Sweetie.

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  4. Stacie, it is perfectly natural and understandable being afraid...but you are amazingly strong! I have just discovered your blog, and I can relate in a little way as my husband had a liver transplant about 19 months ago...he also had a dummy run about 9 months in which was tough but at least we knew he was up the top of the list. Waiting for a transplant is frightening, scary, frustrating and totally stressful. My husband waited 14 months for his...and got it just in time. I have written about our experience on my blog - it was good therapy to get it all down in writing! Just keep plodding on, and if you need to let it all out, do it! I look forward to reading about then you finally get that much wanted call and it all goes ahead. If you want to have a chat, feel free to contact me via my blog...www.zincmoon.com Take care x

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    1. Thanks Sarah, it means a lot to me. It's definitely good therapy to get it down in writing I don't know what I would do without my blog now LOL

      xoxo

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  5. Dear Stacie, you've written a very honest blog, good for you. We all try to understand how you feel, but of course we don't know. All I can say is, that if you need lots of best wishes to get your teansplants then you have mine and John's

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  6. Sorry Stacie, the message went before I'd finished. Am so sure I will be reading your blight where you tell us about your transplant.. Best wishes to you. Kath and John xx

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    1. Awww thank-you so much Kath. I hope you and John are well :) xoxo

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Thank-you for commenting <3