Hello my lovely Blogland,
So you know me always one for reflecting, I kind of have been today. I went to my GP today and she has given me some anxiety and panic booklets to work through while I wait for my appointment with a councillor which is on the 14th of May I haven't started them yet but I definitely will do and hopefully they will help, maybe at least. It was funny while I was in there she asked me how long it had been going on for and I told her since about christmas and she was speculating as to what would have triggered it, because I've been ill forever and she found it intriguing that after waiting for so long that I would start having anxiety now.
It got me thinking though about what I used to be like because I have been ill forever but I was pretty normal even just a few years ago. If I think back to when I started the whole transplant process back in 2011 I was actually pretty well I actually thought at the time that I seemed too well to go on the list but then within the time between May 2011 and April 2012 (how long it took to get me on the list) I got worse, it would be amazing if it weren't happening to me to see the rate of decline at such a rapid speed then within 9 months to a year I was much worse and I'm much worse than I was last year which is obviously why they stick you on the list so early because they spot the signs of decline and know there's really no stopping it once it's started there's only trying to slow it down.
Then I look back further even when I was 17 I had a job that I did at weekends and although I was ill then I was at college 5 days a week doing 9-5 but getting up at 6 and not getting home till around 6:30 and then on the Saturday I was doing 9-6 and some days 8-8 at Christmas barely sitting down for the whole day and Sundays 10-5. I look back on that and I really don't have a clue how I did it because I can barely do my 3 hour shift at work now. It really just shows how normal I was at one point in my life I was a normal girl who just took some pills and had to go to a special hospital every now and then.
I remember resenting my illness back then for slowing me down. How I wish I could go back and give myself a slap and tell myself to appreciate it while it lasted because it wasn't too long after that, that things started to go downhill. If after my transplant I get back the quality of life I had when I was 17 being able to do what I did then I'll be a very happy bunny.
Hindsight is a wonderful but horrible thing. I can appreciate now what I had because I don't have it anymore but I resent my illness now but who's to say that in a few months I won't want to give the me I am now a slap because I should of appreciated how I was now because we don't know how I'll be in a few months time.
I suppose it's all about being in the moment and trying to appreciate what you have in the moment and not what you did have, what you will have or what you could have had. Just appreciate what you do have. So for me I appreciate the fact I'm alive and I'm here, I have wonderful parents, sisters and nephews. I have wonderful friends some who can really understand the experiences I have had and I have a strong bond with because of all that we go through, friends who have always been there for me for many years. I have a loving home and somewhere to call my own, my parents who provide for me because my current state of health means I can't do it on my own. I have so many things that I need to learn to appreciate more rather than focusing on the bad stuff which sometimes can cloud my mind too much and too often.
I hope you guys have things that you appreciate as much as I do and I hope that you just take just a moment to appreciate them.
Chat soon guys