Hey my lovelies.
So today it has been 25 months since I was put on the transplant list and also a year since I had my first false alarm. I just put up a Facebook status about how I no longer see my transplant as a "when it happens" kind of situation anymore so much as a "if it happens" kind of situation. I'm not sure when that happened. It must have been quite recently. The thing is it's not all the time it's days like today when I'm reminded of how long I've been waiting that I think, it's never going to happen I just want to be able to go do things and maybe I can live out he remainder of my days doing those things just obviously not to the extent I would have done had I got my transplant. Then there are days when I get this renewed sense of hope and I plan in my mind all the things I'm going to do when it happens and thats when I think when.
The thing is those days are becoming few and far between I love thinking when because I think of the things I might get to do but I feel like at this point thinking 'when' is only going to bring more disappointment for me so I suppose the 'if' is like my emotional safe guard so if it doesn't ever happen in my mind I can be like "Well you knew it might not happen anyway" type of thing. It's a bit like when you did exams and you've done all this work for it and you do the exam and people ask you how you did and you want to feel optimistic about it but you say you did crap so then if you do, do crap it won't come as too much of a surprise and you won't look like an idiot if you had told people you had thought you'd done well. Does that make sense?
It's kind of gotten to the point where I correct myself when I'm speaking to people about it I'll say when then I'll backtrack and say if instead. It's hard because I don't actually know anybody who has waited this long and I definitely did not want to be one of those lucky few who do. I look back to when they put me on the transplant list and the hopeful girl who thought it was only going to be a few weeks or months (although now I know I probably wouldn't have been ready for it back then as my 2nd false alarm proved) but I want that Stacie back because she had no doubt in her mind that it was going to happen and she knew it was going to happen because why wouldn't it?
I want more 'when' days and less 'if' days. In fact scratch that! I want my transplant to happen so then they'll be "it actually happened" days!
Chat soon guys