23.7.14

Scars...

Okay so from the title we probably know already what I'm going to be talking about and that is 'Scars.' 

Not the metaphorical emotional scars that we hear quite a lot about these days but actual physical scars. Now as a person I scar fairly easily. I have had my fair share of scars over the years inflicted by medical procedures but also from doing things that normal children do like falling over in parks, unsuccessful attempts at rollerblading, equally unsuccessful attempts at walking on stilts the list goes on and my legs are a massive storyboard about my childhood (really they are a sight to behold). The thing is as a child and teenager scars never really occupied that much of my mind or took up that much time in my day. 

It is only in the past year that scars have really been on my mind. Scars I have had in the past are easily hidden all my childhood operations/surgeries were done in places that are easily concealed and no-one ever sees. Any scars on my legs were either done so long ago that they they are very faint or can easily be concealed with a pair of nude tights, simples. However in the past year I have gained a few scars which I can't conceal unless I wear very high necked tops and depending on what type of top they are they can sometimes be quite unflattering but I'm a great believer in "Why should I hide my scars?" and I will be gaining a pretty massive one when I eventually get my transplant so I have to get used to them I guess. 

I'm going to be showing you a picture of the visible scars that I have and tell you about the insecurities I have with them. 
So here you have my wonderful chest in the most unflattering bra in history, that'll teach me to take photos while I'm in my Pyjamas. So this photo is completely unfiltered this is what my chest looks like in all its pale glory. Every single thing in this picture has only been acquired in the past year. Now as a whole I am quite a confident person, or at least I'm able to put a filter up that tells people that I am. As a person I like to wear tops that are mesh, that have low V's in them, that are kind of netted, that's the kind of style that I like the thing with that is I can't wear that without the whole world being able to see all of this lovely stuff on my chest.

When I'm with family it is fine my nephews are actually pretty cute they'll ask aunty Stacie if she has a sore or if she is poorly and when you say yes Jaydon will reply with his standard "It's okay you go to the doctor and you'll be okay" bless his little heart. When I'm out in public though if that is the type of top that I am wearing then I can see people looking at my scars and my line and as much as I don't really care what people think about me I would rather people just straight out ask me what it's for or how I got my scars. Having someone just stare at your chest is a little disconcerting.

There are even things that people probably wouldn't even notice that I worry people will notice, which the sane and rational Stacie knows but irrational Stacie worries about. If you look on the photo on the right hand side of my neck which is actually my left hand side in real life you can see what looks like a bone or vein or something. What that actually is, is my Line going through my artery under the surface. Probably something non of you would have even thought to look at but there's that small part of my brain that says "People are staring Stacie, try and hide it." It's so beyond ridiculous and I know it is but I think we all have that irrational part of us don't we?

When I eventually get my transplant I will have a few more scars where my current line is as the line will have to be taken out and god forbid if I ever had have another one put in there would obviously be more scars from that. But we are all hoping I get my transplant before that ever happens.

I'm probably quite lucky really I know people that have been having different types of lines and ports put in to them for years upon years. I think it's just something I'm finding hard to get used to. If I've ever mentioned scars to people in the past a lot, and I mean a lot of people say "Well a scar is small price to pay for being alive" and while yes that is true it doesn't make me any less self conscious about it and I constantly worry that the scar I will get from transplant won't come out how the doctors promise me it will. I'm prepared for it don't get me wrong but it is just going to be very strange to look in the mirror and see a massive scar on me where before there was nothing and I take forever to heal and I'm worried about that too in regards to scars that is.

It's little things in the grand scheme of things, I know, but I do worry and I think it's healthy for me to express those worries without being reprimanded for them. Scars tell stories I suppose I just have to see each scar as a story I can tell my nieces and nephews one day :) 
     
Chat soon guys
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7 comments:

  1. I hate it so much when people say things like "a scar is a small price to pay for being alive", "at least it's not..." and so on. I'm going through a lot of problems with my back and thyroid at the moment, and I have been told "at least you're not paralysed". Yes, I appreciate that, but when I'm sitting there crying because of how much pain I'm in/ because I can't go to see my friends/ I've had to stop many things I love, that ain't going to help. Yes, a scar is better than not being alive to have them, but at the same time, if you weren't unwell, you wouldn't have scars, and so it does seem unfair. People who are saying that to you don't understand that it's something that worries you, because it's probably not something that have had to deal with. It's okay to be self conscious but we're proud of you. All the best xxx

    P.S. Vitamin E cream has helped my scars!

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    1. Hi Laura!
      I'm so sorry to hear you going through some problems at the moment. I completely understand what it's like to have to give up things and not see your frieda because of pain and it's not fun and it definitely is not helped by people saying "Well at least it's not this or that". Sometimes you just need someone to listen without saying anything, or at least I do.

      Aww thank-you so much Laura it means a lot that you've written such a lovely comment. I hope things get better for you and I will definitely give the Vitamin E cream a try :) xoxo

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  2. I totally get why you're self-conscious about your scars, if it makes you feel better they just seem like ordinary scratches to me and if I saw you I probably wouldn't notice them at all. And most people know it's not polite to stare anyway. :)

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    1. That really does make feel better! Thank-you!! I reckon the people I've caught staring in the past are more likely than not staring at the line but it's really great to know that once thats gone people might just think they're scratches. I'm probably just being oversensitive about them.

      xoxo

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  3. I understand the feeling of being self conscious of your scars. I am too, and I also feel like I shouldn't hide them. I think it's natural to feel like that. I had heart surgery in March and I generally keep mine covered up all the time to protect it from the sun while it's new; but I do have my scar quite visible when I go to the gym. I was so very self conscious the first time I had it "on display", but I think there has only been one time when I thought someone may have been looking? Most people are too involved in themselves to even notice it. The same way I was so involved in myself thinking that people would stare :)
    You are such an inspiration Stacey, I've not had to go through anywhere near as much as you, and I really admire your bravery.

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    1. Awww thank-you LKB. I know phones and auto correct are so stupid whenever I try and spell my own name it always attempts to change it to the ey way of spelling it LOL. Thats totally true though The way I'm involved with thinking people are staring at my scars they're probably thinking about their own insecurities or more importantly their actual lives LOL.

      Much Love
      Stacie xoxo

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  4. As sorry I meant Stacie but my damn auto correct changed it!

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Thank-you for commenting <3