So this morning I realised I've been doing something a lot lately, something I haven't even realised I've been doing but when I look back on it I have definitely been doing it a lot. So the other day Bernice mentioned to me that Sherlock would definitely be filmed in January next year but you know the BBC we probably won't actually get to see it till 2016. Then this morning I've been reading about how they are going to be making a Hocus Pocus 2 (Hocus Pocus being a classic staple Halloween movie in my house since I was a child) but it will probably be some time before we actually get to see it. Well, both of these times the first thing I've thought about when I think about how far away they possibly might be is "Will I be here to actually see it" or "I hope I'm still here to see it."
It's not something I've realised I've been doing before now but when I think about it I do it quite a lot especially in regards to movies. I'll be mightily pissed off if I miss the MockingJay part 1 and 2. Not only is splitting a movie into 2 parts annoying for regular people because they have to wait a long bloody time to see it but for someone like me who isn't entirely sure whether she'll be here in the next few years I worry that I will actually get to see it at all. If not I feel like my sister should get a refund on all my previous visits to the cinema seeing the prequels LOL.
The doctors tell you to carry on living when you're put on the list which we all do but being ill makes be spontaneous difficult you can't just pick up and leave to do something at a moments notice. One that is really not good for my anxiety, I like planning and structure and two I have too many pills and medications to organise to make that at all possible. So when we plan things they have to be way in advance but then I start thinking will I actually get to see it or do that? For example in August Megan, James and I are all going to Ant and Dec's Saturday Night Takeaway tour in Birmingham now I've known about this since November last year and every time I think about it I can't help but be like "God I hope I actually get to go to this." Okay it might not be that I die before it happens but it might just be that something happens to stop me from going. Those little somethings are what stop people like me from planning to do too many things because who wants that kind of disappointment in their lives? But then planning nothing is equally as depressing so you kind of have to find a happy medium with it all.
I know in the grand scheme of things none of this will matter because if I happen to die in the next few years people aren't going to be sad because I missed a particular movie I wanted to see or that I missed an event I was really looking forward to and I don't know if I'll have any sort of consciousness to be sad wherever I may be at that point. Its just the little things that niggle on your mind you know?
I'm in my 20's and after waiting 3 years,
I underwent a heart and double lung transplant because I suffered from a illness called Pulmonary Hypertension.
This blog is where I documented that journey and will continue to document all the amazing highs and the lows post-transplant. I hope to continue to raise awareness for both PH and organ donation and I would love for you to continue to share this journey with me.