20.9.14

Acceptance...


THIS IS YOUR LIFE AND ITS ENDING ONE MINUTE AT A TIME, LIVE IT! || source
2 YEARS 5 MONTHS ON. 

I don't know how to explain entirely to you guys what waiting for a transplant is like especially if it isn't something you've had to experience or unless you've known someone who's experienced it, you'll kind of know but also not entirely either. 

Someone once said to me "It must be like waiting for Christmas?" No it's not is the simple answer to that one. Christmas will happen, it's inevitable the 25th of December will come round every year and you know it will, there are no ifs or maybes it will happen full stop. Transplant is something else entirely. I suppose the easiest thing to compare it to is the lottery, as long as you're on the list (or in lottery terms have a ticket) you're in the running to win the prize, the prize in this case being the organs I need but like the lottery you have no idea if you will ever be picked or meet the requirements to win. In the lottery you need the matching numbers with transplant you need to match your tissue type, blood type, body type, antibodies numbers etc. That however is where the metaphor ends if you don't win the lottery your life does not end it will carry on, however if I don't win my personal lottery the outcome won't be so nice. 

2 years and 5 months is a really long time and it is nearly 10% of my life so far which is crazy. While I've been waiting there have been times where I've been reluctant for it to happen on certain dates because I've planned something and already paid for it or I just have really wanted to do something I've planned. I've got to the point where I don't care. In jest with my consultant on Friday I requested that it happen around now so I could be recovered enough to be home for my birthday and christmas and I'm also determined that I want it to happen in 2014, they all laughed at me because obviously you can't just schedule it in like that, how I wish it were that easy. I have a few things planned in the next couple of months like the Cosmo Blog Awards, Bernice's 'Live Life Give Life' party, going to Harry Potter Studios with Megan, Bernice, Gina and Rosie for mine and meg's birthday. As much as I want to do all of those things I just feel like my transplant needs to happen now, no matter what I have planned. 

I wasn't ready last year and I know I wasn't. This year has prepared me for what I need to do, what I have to have done. My disease is so unpredictable though because I have days where I'm seemingly well and you think "Yeah, I could live the rest of my life like this. Maybe." Then you aren't well, you can't get out of bed even going for a shower is not an option, the energy just isn't there for you to waste it on that you need to conserve it so you aren't asleep for the entire day. They are the days when  you think "Nope, I have to do this because life isn't supposed to be like this." I still have the good days and I take advantage of them but now I know no matter how many good days I have there will always be ten times more bad days and no-one should have to live their lives for the occasional good day. I know transplant will be hard and I will have to fight like I've never done before, but it is the life that I have dreamt of that I will be fighting for and it will be so worth it in the end and I don't care what I have planned because what I'll be fighting for is something I've been planning, for so much longer.

This journey is a hard one and one I willingly chose so although I complain often about how long I have been waiting it IS what I signed up for even though I didn't anticipate this wait I knew it was a possibility though, I just drew the short straw. My long wait has given me perspective I might not otherwise have had. I have gained life long friends from this experience and no matter how long the rest of my wait is I know they will always be there for me. My long wait has fully prepared me for what is to come even though you can't always be entirely prepared I suppose, there are some things you just have to experience, dive in head first and I think transplant has a lot of that aspect going for it. If you knew entirely what was going to happen no-one would probably ever do it.

I just want to thank all of you have been with me on this exceedingly long journey whether you simply read my blog, post the occasional comment, tweet or Facebook message me I appreciate the support you all give me so much, it means a lot.   

As always, thank-you for reading guys and chat soon 
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