31.5.14

36 hours later...

Hey my beautiful blogland, 

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So I am currently sporting a very fetching yellowy orange chest and neck that I can't clean for a few days and also look like some-one beat me up but I have officially managed to have my infected line removed and replaced with a brand spanking new one. I feel very sore and stiff but I am so pleased it's done. Luckily I managed to only spend 36 hours in hospital which is some sort of a miracle. 

I think it was probably the worst experience I've had having a line removed and replaced so far but that's just because I had both done at the same time but really they were very good and I'm pleased they did it at the same time because I kind of forget how painful I find local anaesthetic and if they had put the new one in and then taken the old one out a bit later on in the day, which is what they were planning on doing to begin with because it had to be done by different people, that would have given me too much time to think about the local anaesthetic and I would have been very anxious doing it again. The line going in was pretty straight forward and quite quick and the lady doing it was really lovely and even let me have a long line as I requested, the only bit that wasn't that great was them taking it out. It felt like they were digging a hole in my chest which was just a fabulous feeling and they were really rough because they were finding it really hard to get out but they got there in the end after a lot of swearing on my part I might add.

I have to say though it was really lovely this time around on the ward. The nurses I got were lovely and the ward itself just seemed better than the other ward I've been on in Hammersmith. I got to meet the new PH doctor that they have who's name I cannot remember but he seemed nice enough, he'll get used to me eventually. And I didn't have any annoying patients in the Bay that I was in it was mainly me and a woman named Bev who had just been diagnosed with PH and she was lovely enough and she asked me lots of questions about PH that she was curious about and I was happy to fill her in.  

While I was there though I got to meet a fellow Pher Sara and her mum and Sara also writes a blog here which is how I knew she was going to be there when I was there. It was so nice to have someone there who was a similar age to me. Normally I just meet fairly elderly people with PH while I'm in which is still nice but you know you tend to have a lot more in common with people the same age as you. Sara will be in for a while longer as she's being put on Flolan and having to learn how to mix it all and what not but it was lovely to meet after reading her blog for quite a while. We may see each other again as well because she is also waiting for a transplant at Papworth. 

So the next week or so is just going to be me relaxing and chilling out because I am quite sore at the moment and finding things a bit more exhausting than I normally would do but overall I'm just so happy it is all done. Now we just need my transplant to happen don't cha think? 

Chat soon guys 
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27.5.14

Moved...

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I talk a lot about the people in my life, I know I do but I honestly don't think I appreciate them enough. I once told you of how I used to feel so very alone in all the madness that is my life and that I felt like I needed to do this alone. I haven't felt that way in quite some time. I very much feel part of something now. I have people in my life that genuinely worry about how I am and want to make me feel better when I'm not feeling so hot. I feel like I can talk more about that aspect of my life nowadays, it's like a door that opened quite suddenly and I'm so pleased it did because I feel a lot less bottled up it really helps that I know I can talk to my family and my friends and know that people are literally a text or a phone call away. 

People are imperative in my life without them I'm sure I would be a wreck and I really truly do have some of the most amazing people I could possible have ever asked for in my life. The past week I have received cards and gifts from a very far off friend across the seas for me and Megan, a close PH friend Karen sent me and Meggy a card and some beautifully hand made bracelets for the both of us which are just so lovely! Then my extended PH family Kath and Rob and their daughters sent me some beautiful flowers, a heart plague with a beautiful saying on it and chocolate too. These people really do not have to send me gifts or cards but they are the most kind, thoughtful, most caring wonderful people I have ever come across to take time out of there lives to send me something to think and worry about how I am, I'm so touched to have people like that in my life. 

A small message of encouragement, of love is just such a wonderful thing and I am amazingly blessed to have the amazing people in my life that I have. 

The people in my life are truly the pillars that keep me standing, their love and encouragement is what keeps me going, they are the force that drives me on and I love each and every single one of them for it. Without them all; family, friends, PH friends and transplant friends my life would be a lot less than what it is and I honestly, from the bottom of my heart cannot thank each and every single person enough for all that they do for me. Even when they don't realise it they do more for me than they could ever know.    

26.5.14

Bank Holiday Blow out....

               King of Skin-crown £5.50 | Square tin £2.95
May Day Ballistic £2.95 | Think Pink £2.50 | Butterball £2.50 each
Granny Takes a dip Ballistic £3.25 | The Comforter £4.50 | Creamy Candy Bubble Bar £2.60 
Avobath £3.25 | Fizzbanger Ballistic £3.25
Sakura Ballistic £3.25 | Dragons Egg Ballistic £3.25
Happy Bank Holiday guys. Or if you're from another country and have no idea what a bank holiday is then happy Monday to you. Today I decided to go to town and stock up on my Lush goodies because yesterday I went to go for a bath, went to get something out of my lush box and nothing, there was nothing left. Obviously distraught at this news I had to get more today. Luckily my dad is off this bank holiday so I got to spend a bit of time wandering round town with him and he obviously got to be my personal bag carrier. 

My Lush buys today include a lot of old favourites like the butterball. It's not the most exciting one but it makes my skin feel amazing and it's only £2.50. Then I also brought some new ones like May Day Ballistic which is only around for the month of May and is supposed to look like a badger. The King of Skin Crown which the lady in the shop actually demonstrated to me and this seems perfect for people like me who cannot be bothered with moisturising, she put some on my arm and I haven't stopped stroking it since it's feels lovely! The comforter one is my favourite smelling one of the bunch although they all smell pretty amazing but that one just smells extra specially nice it's got lots of lovely oils in as well so has definitely got my stamp of approval. I'm really looking forward to trying the Sakura Ballistic and Dragons egg ballistic as well because I think they might be deceiving and actually have lots of lovely colours when they go in the bath :D.  

Lush is the only shop that I can tolerate talking to the sales assistants in, normally I can't be dealing with the people who wait around waiting to pounce on someone to sell them something like in phone stores or places like Curry's. Maybe it has something to do with the fact I'm never just looking in Lush I always intend to buy so I don't mind the help but I do genuinely feel like the girls and guys in there want to help you find something that you're going to like and the new stuff they have in store. Maybe it's just the Swindon store I don't know but they're friendly in there and I like it :)  

Chat soon guys 
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23.5.14

Urghhhh...

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So Blogland in polite terms I am one currently very hacked off Stacie. I went to hospital under the impression I would be there having my line removed and replaced today. Oh no, no, no, no my idiot of a doctor went and decided to get the second opinion of the head of Infectious diseases. This guy didn't want to have any discussions in front of me my head doctor though politely told him that I like to know whats going on and like to be kept in the loop and like to air my opinions should I have any, and boy did I. 

The infectious diseases guy decided he didn't think a new line should be put in just yet not until they had taken yet more blood cultures. Sounds simple? Well trust me it is not, blood cultures take between 3-5 days to grow. My question then was well why the hell didn't they take them last week while I was there? And why aren't the million other blood cultures that I've had done recently good enough? No-one had an answer to why they didn't do them last week, round of applause, seriously round of applause! Then the answer to my next question was that the head of infectious diseases didn't trust anyone else's results. So I was like well great so I had the unsurmountable pleasure of staying at Hotel Hammersmith for no good sodding reason. 

So now I'm on yet more antibiotics which are making me feel "lovely" and to top off a already pile of shit cake I got told I had to do my own Tinzaparin injections. I have never been good with needles the only reason I'm kind of okay with cannulas and blood tests now is because I have a minimum of 30 a year and I don't look when they're going in. Tinzaparin is the replacement for my warfarin so that when they do eventually take out my line and put in a new one they can do it no fussing about with INR levels. It however has to be injected into my stomach and let me tell I was on the verge of a full blown panic attack having to do it. 

So now we will find out on Tuesday whether my blood has grown anything and if it hasn't then I'll go back in on thursday and have it done friday and I'm telling you now if they mess me around again they are going to have to feel the wrath of Stacie like they have never seen it before! If however it does grow something I will be brought in as a emergency and given IV's and will have the delight of being hospital bound for several weeks, how lovely for me. 

I thought it was going so well they got things in me with no problem everything seemed to be going smoothly I wasn't very anxious and was ready to finally have this thing out and a new hopefully less temperamental one put in. I suppose it is just one of those road blocks that life sticks in your way sometimes that you have to get past and try not to be down heartened by it and try and see the silver lining I'll now be here to receive my Meds delivery which I was worrying about because whenever someone else does it, something gets forgotten about so at least that can go smoothly. I get to see my friend Rosie who's down for the weekend. I get to go with my sister to book her wedding venue so it's okay really. I just wish sometimes it was easier.

Chat soon guys 
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20.5.14

When, when turns to if...

Hey my lovelies. 

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So today it has been 25 months since I was put on the transplant list and also a year since I had my first false alarm. I just put up a Facebook status about how I no longer see my transplant as a "when it happens" kind of situation anymore so much as a "if it happens" kind of situation. I'm not sure when that happened. It must have been quite recently. The thing is it's not all the time it's days like today when I'm reminded of how long I've been waiting that I think, it's never going to happen I just want to be able to go do things and maybe I can live out he remainder of my days doing those things just obviously not to the extent I would have done had I got my transplant. Then there are days when I get this renewed sense of hope and I plan in my mind all the things I'm going to do when it happens and thats when I think when. 

The thing is those days are becoming few and far between I love thinking when because I think of the things I might get to do but I feel like at this point thinking 'when' is only going to bring more disappointment for me so I suppose the 'if' is like my emotional safe guard so if it doesn't ever happen  in my mind I can be like "Well you knew it might not happen anyway" type of thing. It's a bit like when you did exams and you've done all this work for it and you do the exam and people ask you how you did and you want to feel optimistic about it but you say you did crap so then if you do, do crap it won't come as too much of a surprise and you won't look like an idiot if you had told people you had thought you'd done well. Does that make sense? 

It's kind of gotten to the point where I correct myself when I'm speaking to people about it I'll say when then I'll backtrack and say if instead. It's hard because I don't actually know anybody who has waited this long and I definitely did not want to be one of those lucky few who do. I look back to when they put me on the transplant list and the hopeful girl who thought it was only going to be a few weeks or months (although now I know I probably wouldn't have been ready for it back then as my 2nd false alarm proved) but I want that Stacie back because she had no doubt in her mind that it was going to happen and she knew it was going to happen because why wouldn't it? 

I want more 'when' days and less 'if' days. In fact scratch that! I want my transplant to happen so then they'll be "it actually happened" days!

Chat soon guys 
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14.5.14

An awfully big adventure?

So today was the day I went and saw a counsellor. I think it went well. My entire life I've managed to avoid having to "talk to someone" or a professional anyway. I think it was good for me in a way because although I am generally completely honest with you guys and with the people I talk to in day to day life I maybe don't go into as much detail as I am actually thinking. I think I do it because I don't think people want to be lumbered with my problems or I'm worried that they're going to think I'm stupid or over-reacting or seeking attention. 

My anxiety is brought on by my fear of dying in my sleep. That mustn't be confused with a fear of dying I'm not afraid of death, we must all die at some point it is just a question of when and how, it is the human condition. We may all be different and unique but the fact that we are born and we die is thing we all have in common, it's unavoidable. My fear is the unknown. I fear not knowing what happens when we die, do we cease to exist? Is it a constant state of sleep? Reincarnation? Heaven?

Then there's the fear I have of being in pain when it happens. I have been through a lot I have a high pain threshold, I know what pain is and for that very reason I do not want to be in pain when I die. I think that's a healthy fear and one probably a lot of us have. 

Finally the other fear I have is the fear of being alone, being alone when I die and afterwards, whatever happens afterwards. I've never been close to anyone who has died. I have grandparents who are dead and know people who have died but no-one that I'm really close to and that I would be like "oh yeah they're waiting for me on the other side". I have a lot of cats that have died maybe I'll be the crazy cat lady on the other side? I'm just very afraid of being alone wherever death takes us. I have never done anything alone. I was born with someone else, Meg and I came into the world together, Meg and I had Candice and we all grew up together Megan and I went through school together and even though we were always in separate classes we were never alone we always knew that we had each other if we fell out with our friends. If one of us was running late for the school bus we knew that we had each other to hold it if it was about leave. I've always had people along side me when I've had my hospital appointments. When I was somewhat out of it last year when my infection was slowly killing me I knew my family was there making sure that things were being done right and I was okay. I know I won't ever be alone but dying is journey I have to do by myself, no-one else can come with me to make sure I'm okay, and I obviously wouldn't want them to because that would mean they would be dead to but it scares me so much. 

I know it's probably stupid of me to be as scared as I am but I feel like it's very real for me. Not that it's not real for everybody else but for people my age that day is meant to be 60-80 years away so it's easy not to think about it I would assume it seems like something that may never happen if you're very healthy at least. 

I am very much trying to think about it like this;-

- If it happens there's nothing I can do to stop it.
- I have family and friends who are here for me and although I fear being alone I am never alone.
- My transplant should happen and hopefully I won't have to think about it for many more years to come.   

Chat soon guys 
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13.5.14

Sense of Relief...

Hey Blogland

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So my Hammersmith appointment was pretty uneventful really. I got there about 10:30 and just sat around for ages waiting to one of my specialist nurses who turned up and asked all the regular "how are you doing?" Questions and then she took a look at my line to get the general gist of the situation. It was decided that it is definitley puss and not fluid created by movement, which I had already guessed but obviously they had to be sure. We aren't sure why the antibiotics aren't getting rid of it but we waited to see one of my consultants and we all decided that the best course of action is to get it out and put in a new one. Luckily I won't need to go onto IV's unless it hits my blood stream between now and then, fingers crossed it doesn't, the doctors didn't want to admit me there and then because currently they have a few people waiting for things and I would just get added onto the list and be waiting in hospital for a random slot to open. So they are going to book me in which is much easier than just waiting for something to appear and hopefully that will mean I will only be there for about 4 days. They seemed really happy to send me home because they know I'm cleaning it everyday and taking my temperature about 3-4 times a day so they know I'm ontop of it. 

My lovely friend Rosie paid me a visit while I was there which was so, so wonderful of her. She lives in Essex and it was her day off so she decided to come be my hospital buddy for the day bless her. That's a true friend who will give up their day off to spend it in a hospital and on trains. I'm so pleased she was there because it made the day go much faster and you know me at the moment over thinking everything and just being able to chat and talk with one of my best friends really, really helps. 

My doctors seem quite adamant that they wanted me to not miss my counselling session on Wednesday too, I can kind of see their point because they only ever see the really chipper me, the "oh yeah, I'm okay" "I'm sure it'll sort itself out" me which is stupid because my doctors obviously want to know what's wrong with me and stuff that's happening but I don't like to complain to them. I feel like I take up enough of their time already that I don't need to be adding my worries onto them as well. I'm a happy person and I hide behind it a lot I don't ever want to burden my friends or my family with the worries I have because they aren't run of the mill worries and they aren't worries that anyone can help with unless of course any one happens to know what happens when we die, you know for certain, not maybes, with absolute proof because then I wouldn't worry so much. Maybe talking about these things to a complete stranger will help but something tells me unless he knows the answers to my worries I'm still going to worry about them. 

I just went out and got my prescription and I swear it happening more and more often, either that or time is just going super fast so it seems like it's happening more and more often LOL. It was really funny, I wanted to buy a new thermometer because my current one isn't very reliable. I brought a cheap one and it's a bit rubbish when my temperatures normal it says it's 34 degrees which isn't right so if it ever got up to 36/37 I'd know it was high but I've been getting a bit fed-up of having to guess whether it is or not so I brought a decent one while I was picking up my prescription. It was a bit more than I would have like to have spent on a thermometer but what you gonna do? Meg was sure it was for babies though because it had a baby on the cover and I was like "No. It's just normally people only have thermometers because they have babies" anyway she made us ask to make sure and the woman was like "well you can take your temperature if you need to." Anyway this led to me explaining that I'm waiting for a heart and lung transplant and about my line but because I was filling out my prescription sheet when I said it I didn't see her face but Meg was like "OMG her face when you said you were waiting for a Heart and Lung transplant it was hilarious!" Apparently it shocks people who see me when they find out LOL. The good thing though is that now I don't have to guess if my temperature is high and Hammersmith said if my temperature goes above 37.5 degrees they'll get me in as a emergency, so cool beans. 

I feel so much more relaxed about it now that my PH doctors have seen my line and that we finally have a plan of action in place. I very much worry about the unknown and not knowing what's happening and what's going on tends to make me very anxious so I feel like I can breathe a half sigh of relief :). 

Chat soon guys 
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11.5.14

Decisions UN-made...

Hello my lovelies,

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So today was my return to work after 5 weeks off. That wasn't all ill I think 3 weeks was ill time and 2 weeks was holiday which in hindsight I probably don't deserve because I have so much time off sick but that's neither here nor there. I kind of went in today with my mind set that today was going to decide whether I was still fit enough to work. I was sure that it was going to kill me and it still does but I still think I can carry on working. I'm clearly still very ill and it makes me feel horrid at the end of it but there are others factors in the decision too that at the moment still over power the fact that it makes me ill. A lot of my time at the moment is spent at home in bed I would actually hazard a guess at probably about 75-80% of my time is spent sleeping on oxygen at the moment. Going to work although hard and draining it's interaction with people, my friends at work whom I love and the general public albeit a fair few of them being total utter knobs but I suppose they're the people that make life just that little bit interesting, they're the people that we get to have a little laugh at. This is the problem I'm having because I think that interaction is great for me, I am a renowned people person, people energise me and make me happy (most people that is, you know there are a few that are just impossible LOL). So it's a toss up between two completely different things. On the one hand it's physically draining on me but on the other hand it lifts my spirits seeing my work chummies and having a laugh or getting to listen to regular people problems and normal people drama's. It's a escape from a quite simply difficult life and talking to someone else about their life and what's happening with them is wonderful for me it means I don't have to focus on things that are honestly getting a bit heavy on my not very strong shoulders. So for now I think I'm going to carry on as physically draining as it is, it adds a semblance of normalcy to my life and is mentally beneficial  I think.

As well as having to wake up at 5:30 and go to work today I also got to celebrate my sister's fiancees birthday as he was turning the grand old age of 24 today. They're having a piss up tonight which I'm not par taking in but we went to a restaurant thing in Bristol which has some kind of "Man vs Food" challenges which Warren, Candice, Sam and Ben wanted to do. I'm very much a eat a lot throughout the day kind of person not a eat a lot in one go kind of person so I got a normal person sized meal that I still couldn't finish LOL. Ben had something slightly smaller than what Sam, Candy and Warren had but it was still huge and he managed to finish it and he got a little certificate and his photo taken. Candy, Sam and Warren had something called the trash-can challenge, I think it was called. Their food arrived presented in a trash can lid (obviously clean.) There was a lot of food on it no chance in hell would I have been able to do it, Ribs, Burger, chicken skewer, 3 portions of chips, chilli sundae, beans, peas, onion rings and thats all I can remember but needless to say they didn't finish them LOL. Although the excuse was that if they could have reheated it they would have carried on at the end (yeah sure ;-]). It was a nice afternoon, I was shattered by the time I got home I had only had 30 mins of oxygen between waking up and getting home so my chest really hurt and I was very tired but it was worth it though :). 

Right now I'm currently watching Eurovision which I have no idea why but I say every year I'm not going to watch it, yet every year without fail I still do. The mind boggles.

Umm also just a side note I'm not sure when my next blog post will be as I'm off to Hammersmith on Monday and it is still unknown as to whether they will keep me in or not, if they do internet access will be scarce so it might be a while before the next post as I hate doing blogposts on my phone although if it's important I will be sure to do it.

Chat soon guys 
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6.5.14

Leggings Galore...


So guys, before I wrote my "May Goals" post where I said I didn't want to buy anymore 'unnecessary' things I had already ordered this wonderful array of leggings. So I haven't failed at all in regard to that 'May goal' as these had already been purchased. 

So currently I have been getting super bored with wearing just plain old black leggings. I am not some-one who really likes to wear jeans that much. I have to be really in the mood to wear them if that makes sense? I find them quite restrictive and honestly I think I look large in them. I'm more of a corduroy, legging, dress kind of person. I wear my corduroy's quite a lot (does anyone else think corduroy sounds like something meant for old people?) but my dresses aren't dresses I'm going to wear just lounging around the house, which is what I tend to do most nowadays, unless it's summer. So I wanted to find something else. 

So I went searching for leggings. When I buy leggings they have to be decent leggings, I cannot abide those people who wear leggings that are pretty much see through and you can see their underwear, or lack of underwear in some peoples cases. It is a massive pet peeve of mine. 

So firstly I brought a new black pair of leggings as some of my current ones are starting to wear a little and get thinner. They are 'Black pin tuck high waisted leggings' from River island and they were £25.00. I know that is a lot for a pair of leggings but it's not really in this case because they are really decent material not your standard legging material that is just going to stretch out in a few weeks. I brought  some similar leggings from H&M last year, that are unfortunately no longer for sale but my ones they are still going strong, they haven't been misshaped, they aren't see through and they are just lasting a really long time. I'm very much of the mind I would rather spend a bit more money on something once rather than a little bit of money on something 10 times.

Next we have 'Dark red denim-look high waisted leggings' from River island and they were £18.00. I was surprised at how much I like these leggings. The Red is really nice and easy to wear I found. Once again the material, although maybe not as great as the black leggings, is still really nice, thick and unlikely to stretch out quickly and unlikely to become see through. 

The next two pairs of leggings were a gamble for me. 'Blue tartan high waisted leggings' at £20.00 and 'Grey gingham high waisted leggings' at £20.00 both from River island. Why were these two a risk? Well I'm not exactly small and I wasn't sure whether I could pull them off. Now it remains to be seen whether other people think I can pull them off but I quite like them. The Blue tartan ones are more the material of the black leggings which makes them very hard wearing and they feel lovely, whereas the Grey gingham ones seem to be a much softer material which makes them much comfier to wear. You know if I could do yoga or something like that I would wear the grey gingham ones doing that ;-). Now I brought both of these a size larger than I normally buy leggings in. Why you may ask well I find with patterns if you buy them the size you normally buy them in the pattern stretches and distorts and then they just look really weird so by buying them a size bigger it just means that the patterns stays the way it should be and it probably will mean they last forever because you definitely aren't going to stretch them. (p.s don't worry they aren't baggy or anything, that would look terrible! lol.)  

As you can see 'high waisted' is a theme in this post. I love something that is high waisted, I hate my stomach and hips and normal leggings very much cut off around that sort of area and therefore dig in and emphasise a part of my body I would rather not be emphasised if you know what I mean. Having them high waisted just means that it slim lines those areas rather than just making them really obvious. The high waisted aspect of all these leggings also means they are extra comfortable to wear. 

I know I don't normally write about clothes but I really wanted to share with you my leggings because I'm sure there are other people who are also getting bored of just black leggings as I know I am and my sister is also so hopefully this will help her :).  

Chat soon guys 
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5.5.14

Cosmo Blog Awards 2014...


Hey Blogland, 

It's Cosmo Blog Award time again... I know that went really fast! Although saying that I think I was a bit late to the party last year (i.e. knowing it was happening lol). 

I know there are so many blogs that really do deserve to win but I would love it if you guys would nominate me. I really enjoyed going to the party last year as I got shortlisted for "Best Lifestyle Blog" and although I didn't win I enjoyed it so much and would love to go again. 

I didn't expect it last year and definitely don't expect it again this year either but if you still like reading my blog I would love it you would go and vote for it here and it would be under "Best Lifestyle Blog" again. It really would mean the world to me

Chat soon guys 
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3.5.14

I'm out of hospital, sort of...

Hey Blogland, 

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So I went into hospital for a few days in-between writing the last blog post and this one. Why you ask, well My line was leaking for who knows what reason and I had to go and get that checked out because I have no idea how to fix a leaking line. However luckily that was discovered to just be a super dodgy set of BDQ connectors but they kept me in hospital because of my ever continuing battle with this sodding surface infection around my line. Yes it is still there. So Great Western (GW) rang Hammersmith and one of my specialist nurses told them they had to keep me in and that they were going to try and transfer me over to Hammersmith as soon as possible because they wanted to take the line out. So there's me with pretty much my entire bedroom in tow ready for a exceedingly long stay at GW and Hammersmith. 

Move on a little bit of time and I've changed doctors several times in the GW and the 2nd to last doctor I saw just wasn't entirely sure why I was there because my surface infection is not alarmingly bad, Hammersmith would just prefer that it was not there. She didn't like the idea of me taking up a bed (because they weren't doing anything to me) waiting to be moved to another hospital and Hammersmith has said there definitely would not be a bed this side of the Bank Holiday. So the doctors started to talk to Hammersmith yet again whereby they were now talking to a different one of my specialist nurses. She wanted to speak to me to get a full idea of what it looked like because the doctors at GW clearly aren't all that great at communicating. We came to the conclusion that they would bring my Hammersmith clinic appointment forward so they can really have a look at the line site and then if need be they can admit me from there because they didn't want me sitting in hospital anymore than I needed to. Also my nurse knows about my anxiety and didn't want to make it worse. So I'll be seeing Hammersmith next week or early the week after to finally get it sorted, hopefully. Or you know if the Universe would PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE give me my transplant already I would super appreciate it!

The good thing that came out of it was that I got to see Megan at work. Megan is a Ward Clerk on the SAU (Surgical assessment unit) which was literally next to where they were keeping me for a while. Now Megan has never known what she wanted to be or do but she found that she wanted to work in medicine in some form. She loves her job. I know very few people who love their job but it's so wonderful to see my sister do something she really enjoys doing and something she is going to be able to work her way up in as well. I was a very proud twinny when I watching her working. 

Unfortunately my anxiety played up a bit while I was there, Megan said she was about to go home and I was suddenly feeling all panicky and was in sobs of tears because I kept thinking that if I was alone I was going to die (I'm actually and idiot, how many times have I stayed in hospital? About a billion!) but recently I've been okay going to sleep because I know my parents are in the house and I'm never alone but Megan said she was leaving work and suddenly my brain was like, "You're going to be alone Stacie. Something will happen" and I was just there sobbing, which ultimately made Megan cry (sorry Pegs) and Megan doesn't cry, ever! Then Megan made one of her work people cry and my mum and dad turned up to see what was wrong and I was a mess, a absolute wreck. SO stupid this anxiety thing is getting out of hand. Not Cool!  
Chat soon guys 
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