30.10.14

Facebook Break and bitterness...

Recently I have started to get a bit down about still waiting and even with minor ups like I had the other day no matter how marginally better I am that happiness only lasts for so long, I then remember that I am still waiting, my life is still on hold and there is nothing I can do about it. I try not to let it get to me but I'm only human and it is a constant niggle in my brain that is becoming so, so hard to ignore my will power is waning. Then I go on Facebook and see all these extremely deserving people getting their transplants but then I can't help but ask myself what am I doing wrong? What is it I need to do to make this happen for me. There is no answer obviously I just so happen to land in a category where it is very hard to get a transplant. My blood group is O-, but that therefore means more people need the organs but there just isn't enough organs to go around. I'm in a weight bracket that is highly competitive as men also are in it. I suppose the one thing I do have going for me is that I have no anti-bodies but then I suppose if a low antibodies person came up they would want to give it to some-one with quite high antibodies. It's all quite complicated and quite depressing when I even try to think about it because all I can think about is the many, many reasons why I won't get my transplant. I feel completely lost in the pack of cards that is transplant awaitees, not even a card really probably the joker that gets shoved to the side before you play the real game and then they get lost because people forget they took them out in the first place. I wonder if that is what they do when they get a donor they take you out of the running because of whatever reason then they completely forget you were there in the first place. 

This is all making me very bitter and I honestly hate that side of me, my personality is happy chipper Stacie who perseveres and doesn't let things get her down. I've decided I need to come off of Facebook for a while I'll still post my blogs on my "Life is Worth The Fight" page but just generally I can't be on there seeing things and getting upset about them and things that just remind where I am in my life. I need to try and get me back. I'm not sure how long that will take but I think I need to do it because otherwise my friends and family are just going to have to deal with a quite broken Stacie by the end of this whole journey and not the strong willed enthusiastic person I consider myself to be. 

I will still be posting blogs just on my "Life is Worth the Fight" page, I will still be on Twitter as I'm not on that, that much anyway and there is always Bloglovin as well :). I just won't be scrolling through my Facebook feed, posting on my personal Facebook or on groups for a while. I just need a break from it all, that's all.  

As always, thank-you for reading guys and chat soon 
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28.10.14

Small Victories...

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The past few weeks I've been having "I'm depressed! Why haven't I got my transplant yet?! WHY?!" type moments not that I don't have those at least once a week but the past few weeks if you were in my brain all you would be hearing would be "Why?! Why?! Why?!" It's annoying but as I have come to learn in the 921 days of transplant list life it's pretty much what I have come to expect. The problem is when you're ill you think it so much more which is what I have been doing for the past few weeks of lung infection wonderfulness. 

Today however I went the GP and it looks like my lung infection is finally buggering off YAY! I am in all honesty feeling much better and seem to be able to get off of my oxygen for a decent amount of time, not sleeping as much and managing to keep a bra on for at least 3 hours. I think when you are in my kind of position it is all about the small victories that you have. So getting rid of this lung infection although not the biggest news in the world, does make my quality of life much better and means I am not stuck in my bed for 20 hours a day. It's a minor victory in the grand scheme of things but it makes a difference to me and my life so it's something I want to acknowledge. I still have an ear infection which is annoying but I can live with it and my heart is still being a bit off but these two are going to be the next things that get addressed.  

I think this is something I need to apply more to my life and not get so down about things that are beyond my control, just try and take small steps which lead to the small victories which will hopefully lead to the ultimate victory (transplant). I know it's super hard to do that sometimes and there are some weeks when I just don't think I can do it anymore but I do need to remember that the small victories aren't insignificant and they will eventually lead to something major. I tend to take those depressing Stacie moments and write blogposts but you guys should honestly see some of the blog post drafts I have written in the past and waited to post them, then re-read them with a clear mind and ended up deleting them because they are so depressing. I probably should have kept them to read them post transplant to see how far I will have hopefully come that would have been interesting, hindsight hey?

Anyway guys I hope you guys can apply this to your lives and remember the small things aren't insignificant and you should celebrate each one :) 

As always, thank-you for reading guys and chat soon 
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23.10.14

Neglect...

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It appears I seem to have neglected you this week and I am very sorry for that guys. I however have been attempting, and I say attempt because thats exactly what it was, to write my first essay for my uni module this week. This week has just reaffirmed what an amazing procrastinator I am, if only it was a life skill people looked for because I'm your gal if you're looking for a First Class procrastinator. Since last Friday I was trying to get this essay done and it was only in the last 2 days that it actually happened I had started a series on Netflix and I kept saying to myself "it's okay write it after this season is finished" and I say season because that's another one of my useless life skills that I'm particularly amazing at and that's being able to watch an entire season of a programme in a day depending on how long the season is obviously. Then I'd want to catch up on my Youtube subscriptions and then catch up on my recorded stuff on my Sky +... any way you get the picture. I got it done though guys it was hard because it was source analysis and unless it's a picture source I'm not that great at source analysis. Hopefully I did okay though. 

Also in the last week as well, I have been fighting my exhaustion which I think is a bit better at the moment, my dizziness and lightheadedness seems to have disappeared for now which is great and think we can definitely put that little blip down to my ear infection although I do now have an infection in my left ear whereas it was in my right ear last week. I do still have infection in my lungs which is probably the cause of my current breathlessness and tiredness and I have stronger antibiotics for that now which will hopefully shift it. All of that being said I currently have a weird heart rhythm thing going on which comes and goes, it's annoying more than anything but I'm being sent to have a ECG at my local GP and then tomorrow I will be having an X-ray as well so it's all lovely and fun on the health front at the moment. Luckily it's nothing to drastic just annoying little things that seem to take up way more time than they need to. I managed to get my flu jab eventually as well which I was super chuffed about because I'm always scared that the one year I'm late getting it done, that will be the year I get the flu and I really am not sure how my body would cope with that kind of attack lol.

Anyway I will say bye fore now and I hope you are all well in your lives 

As always, thank-you for reading guys and chat soon 
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17.10.14

Zoella Beauty...

We all know I am not one of the most "prepared" of bloggers most of my posts are written spur of the moment when I'm feeling it and that works for me as a blogger because that is the type of blog that this is. However when Zoe Sugg aka Zoella brought out her new beauty range I had to actually be a "prepared" blogger so when I got all my stuff in the post I photographed it all and then I had to wait. I've been trying it out so I can give you guys my honest opinion on it and not just say I like it because I like her as a blogger, vlogger and youtube person.

For those not in the know and don't have the amount of time that I do to watch Youtube videos Zoe Sugg is a Blogger, a Vlogger and does beauty/lifestyle videos on Youtube, she is quite famous within the whole youtube and blogger community and one of my personal favourites. So when she brought out her own beauty range last month I wanted to try it immediately.  

As you can see from the photos above she brought a nice collection of stuff out, mainly bath orientated; 2 different make-up bags one with her eyes as the feature and another with a Guinea pig as she loves Guinea pigs, Fizz bar, a body lotion, a bath soak, body mist and a little dinky candle.

Firstly I have to say if they didn't have such nice packaging I probably wouldn't have brought any of it, I am like a magpie when it comes to things I buy and the colours are just so lovely and made me want them so much more. All of it is beautifully scented and not overpowering which I love because although I love a heavily scented Lush bath bomb there are some days where you don't want that and these are definitely for those days. They are really fresh smelling.

I brought the body lotion knowing this was probably going to be my least favourite because as regular readers will know I'm always on the look out for bath products that will eliminate the need for body lotion. However what this body lotion does have going for it is that it's not a massively heavy and thick cream but still seems quite affective on my skin which I was honestly most surprised about and something I also really like is it only leaves a light scent on your skin rather than walking around smelling like you just dipped yourself in perfume.

My favourite has to be the Fizz Bar. They are so cleverly designed, they look like a chocolate bar which excites the child within and means you can take off however many chunks as your bath requires or what you're in the mood for. This is probably my favourite packaging too as it reminds me of some sort of luxury chocolate bar.

The body mist is perfect for when you've just gotten out of the shower and the candle is the absolute perfect size for a bath ledge so if you want a really relaxing bath they would be perfect to put in the corner of you bath and once again they don't have a massively overpowering scent so therefore won't give you headache like some candles do for me.

The best part of all of it is that they are a great price. The most expensive thing is £8 and they are the make-up bags so they are a complete bargain in my eyes!  You can get these on Feel Unique and in super drug stores too or online here.

If you would like to find out more about Zoe Sugg check out her BLOG, YOUTUBE CHANNEL and VLOGGING CHANNEL
  
As always, thank-you for reading guys and chat soon 
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15.10.14

Life lately...

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I have a slight confession. I've not been totally honest with you as of late. If you've been paying attention to my past few blogs you'll notice that I haven't mentioned how I am or how I am "really" doing and thats because I haven't been that great. In real life when I see people I have literally been saying "I'm okay" and swiftly moving on and asking how they are before they can ask how I really am and thats the very few people I've seen lately. 

The honest answer to how have I been? is well, not that great. At the moment I am constantly exhausted getting out of bed is not really happening and as fun as that sounds to a normal person it's really not. The weather has made it a bit easier to stay in bed as it's that amazing rainy weather that I adore so much, I wish I could wrap up warm though and go walking around in it though, that is something I miss SO much.  Along with that I'm finding it really hard to get off of my oxygen for any extended period of time I think the longest lately has been about 3 hours. Bra's are a absolute no go at the moment if you're from the UK and have been in a hospital or a GP in the last few years you will have seen that picture of the man with a belt around his chest making him look deformed, and what it's actually doing is signifying chest pain and making people 'aware' of it, well that is what bra's are like for me at the moment. I can maybe tolerate them for about a hour but thats it. Finally I have also been constantly lightheaded and dizzy and that has been going on for a while now and it feels like I'm on a boat all of the time and it makes me very uneasy on my feet and it happens when I'm sitting down, lying down, anything. It's not been very fun lately. 

So yesterday I rang Papworth to give them my monthly update thing and I was telling the receptionist all of the above and she thought it sounded dodgy and therefore put me through to one of the transplant co-ordinators and she agreed and wasn't happy with how it all sounded together. I was made to ring Hammersmith who are attempting to find me an appointment for the next few weeks but made me book a emergency appointment with my GP. I got the new GP who was lovely I was thoroughly impressed. She gave me a good going over and my line and all of that looked fine but my right ear has an infection which could be the source of the dizziness and lightheadedness, and I'm praying it is because if it isn't it means my PH is getting worse. Then she moved onto my lungs and asked me how my chest was normally and I told her how recently it has been feeling like my lungs are scrapping my ribcage just under my boobs and that is apparently because I have a infection in the bottom part of my lungs which will hopefully be the source of my exhaustion and heightened need for oxygen. She heard something in my heart but isn't sure whether that has to do with something thats in my heart. I'm sure Hammersmith will be able to sort that out though as they are a bit more aware of my heart stuff. Overall though my experience with my GP was really good! I may have to make her my full time GP because I really liked the way she dealt with it and asked loads of questions and did a bit of research. I'm normally very anxious going to the GP but she made me feel really good about being there. 

So I've now got a spray for my ear and antibiotics for my lungs and hopefully I'll be back on form (or at least Stacie form) soon. Today is INR and Flu Jab day so at least I'll be getting out of my bed :)      

As always, thank-you for reading guys and chat soon 
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10.10.14

The TMI tag...

picture source unknown || edit done by me 

I thought I'd do a bit of a lighthearted post today so I thought I would do "The TMI tag" which for those that don't know is 50 pretty random questions that people usually do on youtube but I suppose could easily be done for a blog too so I'm doing it this way.  I hope you enjoy it and maybe learn a little something about me on the way :) 


1. What are you wearing?
Black Leggings and a beige and peach knit jumper. 

2. Ever been in love? 
Nope

3. Ever had a terrible breakup? 
No

4. How tall are you? 
165cm

5. How much do you weigh? 
between 68 and 70kg

6. Any tattoos? 
No

7. Any piercings? 
Yes, my ears.

8. OTP (One True Pairing: what's your favorite fictional couple)? 
I have two one that makes me sound like a right nerd and another you will probably never have heard of. First is Elizabeth Bennett and Mr Darcy and second is Emma Gershmann and Kommandant Richwalder from my all time favourite book Kommandants Girl. 

9. Favourite show? 
The Vampire Diaries of course 

10. Favourite bands? 
I don't really "do" bands but I quite like Bastille and Imagine Dragons

11. Something you miss? 
Far away friends

12. Favourite song? 
At the moment I really love Ariana Grande's "Break Free"

13. How old are you? 
23 years young 

14. Zodiac sign? 
Sagittarius 

15. Quality you look for in a partner? 
Confidant, honest and probably about 5ft 9 and above lol 

16: Favourite Quote? 
If my blog didn't give it away "Life is Worth the Fight"

17: Favourite actor? 
Don't really have one although I do absolutely love Joseph Morgan off of The Vampire Diaries/The Originals.  

18: Favourite colour?
 Really boring but I do love soft muted browns

19: Loud music or soft? 
Depends what I am in the mood for. 

20: Where do you go when you're sad? 
My bed

21: How long does it take you to shower?
 Showers only take about 15minutes. 

22: How long does it take you to get ready in the morning? 
Depends what type of day it is if it's a don't give a crap day about 10 minutes but if it's a day where I can be bothered about 30-40minutes. 

23: Ever been in a physical fight? 
with my sisters, yes. With other people no. 

24: Turn on? 
Nice hair

25: Turn off? 
Dirty appearance.

26: The reason I joined Youtube? 
I've never really "joined youtube" although I have it to do the occasional Vlog and to subscribe to people 

27: Fears? 
Not getting my transplant

28: Last thing that made you cry? 
My 3rd false alarm

29: Last time you said you loved someone? 
Today because who couldn't love my extremely adorable nephews?

30: Meaning behind your Blogging Name? 
I think "Life is Worth the Fight" is apt for people in my situation or in other situations where it might feel like a real struggle to carry on but sometimes you do need to remember that no matter where you are in your life/whatever situation you are in Life is always worth the fight because there are so many amazing things and people in this world that make it worth it. 

31: Last book you read? 
It was actually a book that a transplant friend of mine wrote called "For my Donor: 20 years and counting" by Mark Watson, and it was honestly such a great book to read especially for me being pre transplant. Mark wrote it SO well it was witty and funny whilst still having that serious aspect in it and some sad bits in it too. I would wholeheartedly recommend this book to anyone you can buy it HERE for only £3 if you want too :)

32: The book you're currently reading? 
It's for my history degree but I'm currently reading "AGE OF EXTREMES, The Short Twentieth Century 1914-1991" by Eric Hobsbawn

33: Last show you watched? 
Celebrity Juice

34: Last person you talked to? 
My mum

35: The relationship between you and the person you last texted? 
My friend Emma.

36: Favourite food? 
Oooo hard one. I don't know it's a toss up between chicken and chocolate. It would probably end up being chicken though because i think if I had to live with one food for the rest of my life it would be chicken. 

37: Place you want to visit? 
Oh god SO many! First places on my list though are Auschwitz, Pompeii and St Petersburg 

38: Last place you were? 
London

39: Do you have a crush? 
No

40: Last time you kissed someone? 
Gave my nephews a kiss when they left this evening LOL

41: Last time you were insulted? 
I don't actually know, if I have I don't know about it

42: Favourite flavour of sweet? 
Usually the red or black/purple sweets so blackberry and strawberry I think. 

43: What instruments do you play? 
None

44: Favourite piece of jewellery? 
I'm a lover of earrings generally. 

45: Last sport you played? 
I haven't played a sport in years if ever really. 

46: Last song you sang? 
Ariana Grande Break Free 

47: Favourite chat up line? "Hey, don't frown. You never Know who could be falling in love with your smile."

48: Have you ever used it? 
No

49: Last time you hung out with anyone? 
Today

50: Who should answer these questions next? 
Whoever wants too :) 

As always, thank-you for reading guys and chat soon 
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8.10.14

Cosmo Blog awards 2014 & a quick visit to Kings...

Hello my lovely lot, [WARNING PHOTO HEAVY BLOG] 

Yesterday was the day that us bloggers had been waiting for and it was the day of the Cosmo Blog Awards 2014. I had decided since I was going to be in London I could lave a bit earlier and visit my friend Maxine who I mentioned last week (she had, had her Liver transplant). Kings college hospital isn't far from the OXO tower so it was totally doable. 

The day however started off not to plan. Candice and I caught the 1:55pm train to London however the train wasn't going anywhere. all trains had been called to a stand still going into London Paddington because someone had jumped in front of the train "Great." I suppose it was a good thing we left early because all trains after that were being cancelled and massively delayed so there was the positive, at least we were on a train and it was going to move at some point so we knew we were going to at least make it to the Blog awards at the very least I was sad though that I might not get to see Maxine which I really really wanted too! Luckily after been at a stand still for about an hour we started to move, we then had a further minor stop at Didcot and then luckily we were able to go through Reading with no issues (yay). There were a lot of very disgruntled passengers though as a train that was behind us got put onto our train and they were people that had already been on the train  for hours. I personally don't understand why someone would want to kill themselves by jumping in front of a train, I can think of a lot more better ways to kill myself especially when it was apparently just out of Paddington station the trains aren't moving very fast at that point it seems like a really unnecessarily painful way to die :-/ and you would inconveniencing hundreds of other people in the process. 

Anywho we made it into Paddington at about 4:20 which meant I could still see Maxine even if it was a fleeting visit. I got to see her for about an hour and it was so lovely to finally meet her and see how amazing she is doing. Maxine is someone I met on twitter and she has always been SO lovely and someone that has been on 'my list of people I have to meet' and I finally got to and it makes me so happy. It is so hard waiting for transplant you "meet" people online and make friends with them but the problem is a lot of them either live further a field than you can feasibly go or you're just to ill to go and see them so yesterday was definitely a opportunity that I had to take advantage of and I'm so, so happy I did because Maxine is equally as lovely in person. Hopefully I didn't disappoint her with my real life self LOL. I also got to meet her Boyfriend Josh and her mum and dad and they were all so lovely too just such nice people!  

So I got to spend about an hour with Maxine which was much less time than I would have liked but I won't moan at least I got some time. Candice and I then made our way to the OXO tower which is where the Cosmo Blog Awards was being held again. It looked lovely once again, much whiter than last year but I liked that look. There were a few differences they didn't have a Photo Booth this year which I was super sad about but the way they did the actual awards bit was SO much better! We were all sat down and it was much more formal than last year. They had some cool things though, you could have your eyelashes done which Candy did, nails done, hair done, make-up done, glitter tattoos which I did, make your own cupcake which we both did and obviously they had their free bar which unfortunately me and Candice couldn't really take advantage of because I can't drink and Candice is Pregnant but the free soft drinks were definitely appreciated :-D. 

I didn't actually win or anything but I never expected too I was up against people who are amazing bloggers and my blog probably isn't diverse enough to win so I knew when we went that it wasn't going to happen. Getting shortlisted out of 47,000 blogs is amazing though and I am so honoured to have even be picked for the shortlist I certainly didn't expect it two years in a row. I did however get to see my Blogger friend Megan who writes the Blog Thumbelina Lillie get Highly commended in her category which was "Best Beauty blog". I was so proud of her because I know how hard she works on her blog and how much effort she has put in over the past year to make her blog even more amazing so I'm so pleased to see she finally got that kind of recognition. 

Overall a great night I got finally meet fellow bloggers whom I have spoken to over twitter and got to add another experience on to my life list. Thank-you to all of you who nominated and voted for me it means so much to me and I love you guys always!

Just as a side note as well, I have accepted the fact that I will never be as small or skinny as all these beautiful beauty and fashion bloggers so this year I was more comfortable having photos with them this year having embraced my larger size :-D


In the photos Me, Candice, Megan [Thumbelina Lillie], Kim [Love Cloth], Faye [Fayes Fix], Sophia [Sophia Meola] and Tash [It's simply beauty]

  
As always, thank-you for reading guys and chat soon 
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4.10.14

The worst time management...

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Hello my lovelies 

So today my next and final module of my history degree begins. I'm a bit worried about it if I'm honest, I am the worst time keeper when it comes to managing my time for school work which is surprising considering I'm someone that has to be stupidly early for everything and hates being late so you would think I would be better at being able to designate a particular time for doing work. I think a few things contribute to my very poor time managing skills 1. I am a grade A procrastinator; I can make a Pinterest session last hours, youtube likewise and a 20 minute study break can turn into 2 hours. 2. I sleep a lot; Obviously due to  my health sleep is important and can cure many a woe, migraine, chest pain etc. but also the procrastinator within rears it's ugly head in this regard too, a extra 15minutes in bed can turn into 4 hours and then afternoon naps seem almost mandatory. As you can see there are only so many hours in a day and I can fill them with simple sleep and procrastination.

So the next few weeks are going to be me basically trying to learn how to time manage and not be in that situation that I always find myself in 24 hours before a essay is due and not having written a word. This module is also a lot harder than my previous module as it has a lot of extra reading in it and not the fun reading that I love the reading through really old documents trying to decipher what some old bloke meant when he said something completely meaningless. So reading for fun is complete out of the window for a while [sad face]. 

I'm looking forward to getting this module done I feel like this whole degree thing has take so long but maybe thats because it kind of coincides with the whole transplant thing I started my degree in February 2011 and the whole transplant thing started in May 2011 even though I didn't get put on the list till April 2012 but that just seems to have taken SO long. Everything seems to just be taking a very long time is what I am trying to say.  

Anyway enough moaning about my severe lack of time management skills, I'm going to try and get proactive about it and designate maybe 5ish hours a day towards it that gives me 3 hours of directed study time and 2 hours of independent study aka. extra reading. Only 5 days a week though I'll give myself 2 days off and hopefully that will be enough. 

As always, thank-you for reading guys and chat soon 
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1.10.14

Okay?

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Hey guys! A fair few people are asking me if I'm okay after last week. Some days I am okay and other days I'm not. I think that's just like anyone in any situation though you know? Some days I don't want to talk about it because it makes me angry at the world and just people in general and I ask "why am I being tortured in this weird unusual way?" Other days it doesn't seem like that big of an issue, like it happened and that's okay, it just wasn't meant to be. I don't know what I'm meant to be feeling in all honesty. There are those who seem to think I'm really sad or upset or at least I should be, Should I be? Is that what I'm meant to be feeling? I know I was sad on the day and definitely the day after but right now I definitely wouldn't say sad or upset is the emotion I have towards not getting my transplant. Angry that is definitely one of the emotions I flit to and from I'm not sure if that says more about me though than the actually emotion I'm feeling.

I think the main reason I flit to and from angry and okay is because I was just SO ready for it to happen on Thursday, I feel like I was mentally prepared for it and I just wanted it to happen already and I'm angry that, that got taken away. Does that make sense? 

I have so much support though and so that angry feeling doesn't last too long at all. I could have been angry today because I was restricted to staying in bed trying to make my chest pains disappear and my breathing better but I found out that one of my transplant friends finally got her Liver today which I was over the moon about and Maxine is just so lovely and I was just massively happy for her. She write a blog [here] if you want to check it out, I think that would be a good thing for you guys to read because I constantly talk about what waiting for heart and lungs is like so you could find out what it's like waiting for a Liver it would be a different perspective :).

So for you guys asking me if I'm okay, I am and when I'm not I definitely will be. It is just one of those things that unfortunately, in my kind of life, get thrown at you. I love you all for worrying and asking though, it means a lot and I just hope that one day you are asking me if I'm okay because the transplant has happened and I'm recovering LOL. 

As always, thank-you for reading guys and chat soon 
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