25.1.15

The Front....

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I often receive Facebook messages, tweets and emails from people. A lot of these messages are from newly listed people or people who have been waiting a while and are starting to get a bit fed up of the whole waiting game. They usually ask me how I cope waiting for as long as I have. 

The honest answer? I don't. I have become a master at having a front that I put up for the world to see. It is something I have carefully perfected my entire life. Through my school life not that many people knew I was as ill as I was and the front I used was very useful because it meant I got a extremely normal school experience that wasn't completely plagued by being associated as the ill girl. Don't get me wrong people knew but it wasn't something I harped on about to people and it definitley wasn't the first thing that people knew about me. 

Nowadays it is more of a defensive thing or a protective thing. I cope in my own way with the fact that I have been waiting as long as I have. This probably isn't very helpful to newly listed people or people who are getting a bit fed up of waiting because they probably see someone who is coping really well and don't understand how I "seem" to be coping fine. I don't document whenever I want to scream at someone or feel like the world has some massive vendetta against me or when I feel extremely jealous of someone because; they get to go on holiday, they get to go on a walk, they got their transplant. I internalise a lot of that I don't feel the need to vocalise a lot of it. I complain to my best friends, my sisters, parents and people I trust whenever I kind of get to breaking point but I don't personally feel it would be helpful for people to know all of that or hear/see it all. Does that make sense?

If I'm honest 2 years was enough for me. I was fine before 2 years, or not fine but I knew that was how long I would probably have to wait and I had that in mind. I told myself that all I had to do was get to 2 years and I did. Now? I can't completely process in my mind why it's taking this long because 2 years was 9 months ago and 9 months in transplant world is a long time. I understand that I have a lot of things about me that mean I may have to wait longer but then there are qualities about me that mean it should be really easy to match me and those two thoughts are struggling to reconcile themselves at the moment.  

Something that does help me though is that I remember and think about the people who are worse off than me. I'm very ill yes but I still have a nugget of hope I could still go on and live a very fulfilling life. There are people out there that don't have that. I live with chronic pain but there are people who are in much more pain than I am. I like to remember that things could be far worse than they are and that definitely helps with the whole coping thing. It's all about perspective. 

As always, thank-you for reading guys and chat soon 
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4 comments:

  1. You're really really strong and this is a great state of mind to be in. I hope you get your transplant soon. 2 years means it's more likely it will happen soon, am I right?

    -M
    The Life of Little
    Me

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  2. Maybe M although I'm still in the same situation as I've been in for nearly 3 years. If they made an emergency list for heart and lung people it would more likely happen, but I think we're still a way off of that :) xoxo

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  3. I'm praying for you and I hope that you get what you need soon.

    Lizzie Dripping

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  4. Thank-you!!! I really do appreciate that :) xoxo

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Thank-you for commenting <3