25.3.15

Unknown...

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Unknown is word that strikes fear and anxiety through me 

Who would have thought a 7 letter word could do that? There have been 3 occasions where this word has rightly caused that fear and anxiety because that little 7 letter word has meant a possible life change.

I don't know what pops up on your phone when hospitals or weird companies ring you, I used to have blocked, I assume people either have blocked or unknown, my phone for the past 7 years have had unknown.

I thought when I was put on the list that I would get used to having the word "unknown" appear on my phone screen, that I'd be be able to casually answer it because I know that my local hospital, my medication companies, Hammersmith all call from unknown numbers so you'd think I'd get used to seeing it. The thing is every-time I see that little 7 letter word appear I have to take a massive deep breath before answering the phone and when it inevitably isn't what I want it to be I have to hide the disappointment in my voice when it is someone saying "Hi it's Martin from INR clinic" "Hi it's Rachel from your monthly delivery service" etc. etc.

During the day it isn't so bad I don't know why, I think it's because you are told all calls are probably going to be in the middle of the night so you tend to be a bit more relaxed when you get a unknown call during the day. I've had a few unknown calls during the evening though recently and honestly the sheer panic and anxiety that goes through me when a unknown number appears on my phone screen at 8:30pm is palpable. Then I realise that it isn't "THE CALL" and I'm disappointed. 

I thought it would go away that sudden anxiety and fear and then the disappointment but in the 2 years 11months I've been waiting, it doesn't go anywhere you just forget about it until you have to do it all over again the next time it appears.

I think it is a bit ironic that UNKOWN is what appears because the phone call I'm waiting for will come on a unknown day, at a unknown time, the organs viability will be unknown and what's in store from that point on will be unknown. Whether that's exciting or scary I don't know but I'm looking forward to getting the real unknown call I'm waiting for. 

As always, thank-you for reading guys and chat soon
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1 comment:

  1. Hope you're doing alright Stacie! The day when your new organs are ready for you will be so so exciting, I am actually really praying that they come soon. This almost 3 year wait will be so worth it when you have working organs to enjoy your life with, for the next years and years to come. Stay strong, sending love your way xx

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