7.4.15

Born to be more...

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I love doing all the organ donation/PH stuff I do because it keeps me busy and I sometimes wish there was more for me to do. Ever since Friday I've been feeling really down because as soon as a project is finished it means I have to go back to being by myself and trying to keep myself distracted from all my thoughts. I know that the organ donation/PH stuff is technically thinking about it but it's not in the sense that I just have to repeat stuff I've already said and thought about before. It keeps me distracted and my mind off of other things and it's something different and new to do rather than me being in my room doing nothing of much interest. 

I'm very lucky I have my mum who is around a lot so she keeps me distracted and my sister who is currently on maternity leave too so she's always here at the moment so I get to spend time with my nephews and little Skyler. The problem is as soon as a project is finished I always have this sense of longing to be doing more. I'm doing as much as I physically can but I just have this longing to be doing more with my life. I wasn't born to be one of these people who does very little with their day, it's something I think about a lot, I think it's the reason I accept all the things I do, whether I'm well enough or not I'll pretend I am just so I can get the feeling of accomplishment that I just don't get doing the everyday stuff. The stuff I did in December I really wasn't well enough to do but I did it anyway because I didn't want to be dwelling on feeling like crap in my bedroom. 

I just wish there was more for me to do. My friends are here for me as much as they can be but you know there's the fact that a few of them live quite far away and then they have jobs you know who wants to be distracting their friend when they've just done a 6 day 9-5 work week, I know I certainly wouldn't. 

At the moment I just keep switching from angry to sad, to frustrated because my situation angers me a lot and the longer time goes on the more angry I get and it's no-ones fault but I just can't help feeling angry and then it makes me frustrated because I can't direct my anger anyone or anything, that then makes me sad because it makes me frustrated and angry. 

My uni work does very little to keep me distracted because I find it really boring and very little joy in it any more I just want it over and done with. I just can't help thinking what would my life be like if I could have gone to university and I could have gone on to get a job, where would I be now if my illness hadn't stopped me from doing the things I really wanted to do. My school years would have been relatively similar because it really didn't stop me in regard to all that, I maybe would have been a little slimmer that's all, it was just after all that when everything really started kicking off that I wonder what would I have gone on to do?  

As always, thank-you for reading guys and chat soon
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