27.5.15

I miss me...

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I think my brain is broken.... 

I've been attempting to write a blog about my "feelings" for the past few days and it's just not happening. I can't seem to string the words together. Maybe it's because I don't know exactly how it is I have been feeling recently so I therefore can't express that to you guys? Maybe? 

I don't know, recently I have been having a few bad days where I just have chest pains, nosebleeds, migraines, you know the normal but nothing that's what I would consider 'bad' just normal 'not so great stuff'. I feel like I've been pretending I'm "fine" a lot recently though and not because I'm feeling particularly awful but because mentally I just feel a bit 'meh' or "blah'. I don't know how to explain it to you without sounding moronic. It's just this feeling like you want to be doing something but can't be bothered to do anything and you want to be happy but you feel really distant and off and you can't explain how you're feeling or I'll be really, really sad for no reason whatsoever and I end up being a bitch to anyone around me snapping at the stupidest of things. 

I feel like I'm carrying around this weight of just something at the moment, I don't know what and I don't know how to explain it either. The other night I was particularly down and for no reason whatsoever. I know people change over time, I do, I really do know that and I think people would tell me that I haven't changed but I feel like a changed person. I miss who I was before all of this started even before I started this blog, I miss the old me. 

Some people say these types of experiences change people for the better, they make them stronger people, more appreciative of life etc. etc. I don't feel like this experience has made me a better person at all, I feel like it is chipping away at who I am and who I used to be. I used to be so positive, nothing ever got to me this experience has turned me into a negative, moaning idiot. I used to be a confident person even when I weighed 2 stone more than I do now I was more confident than I am now, I mean how can that actually be possible?! It doesn't help whenever you go to a hospital appointment at least one doctor will mention my weight even though I'm a completely normal weight now apparently that isn't good enough for some of them that chips away at any self esteem I have/or had. I'm attached to my oxygen and my iv pump 24/7 and I just feel like I'm walking around with a neon sign above my head. I just miss the days when I didn't have to be ill Stacie and nobody really knew or no-one cared that much because I didn't seem that ill. 

When I see people nowadays they don't ask me how I'm doing in the general sense they don't want to know the general everyday life stuff they say "how ARE you?" with a massive look of expectation on their face like I'm about to say everything that's wrong or has been wrong with me when in actual fact the people that ask me this question will only ever get the "I'm fine." response.

I just want to be myself again. I miss me. I don't feel like myself anymore. I feel like this experience has made me a worse person and maybe life... the powers that be... whatever see that and that's why my transplant isn't happening. 

I just wish that someone could give me a clue as to what I can do, tell me exactly what it is that I can do to make it happen or just tell me one way or the other whether it's going to happen or not. I am just so fed up of pretending like it's going to happen like it is inevitable, the only inevitable thing in this whole scenario is my death whether that's in a few months or 20 years thats the only inevitable thing here and pretending like my transplant is inevitable is not helping anyone especially not me because the "my transplant will happen" ship set sail a good long while ago, I've been living in "fed-up and bored of it now" town for a good long while now. 

I don't know maybe this feeling will pass but it's been here for a while now I know the Stacie I mourn for, if she could see the me I currently am she would give me a real talking to and tell me to stop complaining. I just don't know how to go back to being that person how do you stop this experience from changing you?  Or not changing you but making you a worse person? I don't even remember the last time I felt positive about this, like I don't remember the last time I genuinely thought "it WILL happen" I know I've said it recently but I didn't genuinely believe it I say it to make other people happy because I don't like the idea of disappointing them. The idea of disappointing all these people that seem to believe in me is awful and I don't want to disappoint them but at the moment I just don't believe half of what I'm pretending to people. Maybe that's what I need to change? How do you begin to start believing in something again though when you have nothing but disappointing experiences to go on?

As always, thank-you for reading guys and chat soon
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5 comments:

  1. I know just how you feel, kind of. I have depression and sometimes feel this way, the medicine I take for it too has awful side effects which have made me feel so disconnected :( I don't know what advice to give you 'cos it is sucky, apart from read blogs, write posts, chat to other bloggers, I'm here if you wanna drop me an email or chat on twitter gal :)

    amber love

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  2. Hi Stacie, I have just read your interview with Cider with Rosie which has lead me to your page. I think I may also have seen you on tv? I have recently signed up for a donor card (with some trepidation - not really sure why....It just seems abit scary I guess) and when I read a blog post like yours I know that I am happy with my decision. I wish you all the luck in the world and I do hope you get what you need. xoxo
    Natalie
    www.lifesmantelpiece.com

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  3. Hi Natalie!
    I feel bad that this is the first post you have to see of mine I'm not normally this depressing I promise. I've been on tv a few times so maybe most recently was February so probably then :) Awww yey that's great. It is scary though, no-one likes to think of dying even if it does happen to us all. Thank-you so much for commenting Natalie I hope you are well :) xoxo

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  4. I hope you feel a bit better soon Stacie, best of luck!

    Tegan xx - Permanent Procrastination

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  5. Hi Stacie, Just happened to come across your website and I'm so pleased I did. I live with many chronic illnesses and this post really connected with me this low evening. There are so many times where I feel all of the above too and I hope you know you are not alone in that aspect. It can be incredibly overwhelming to feel numb for no particular reason.

    I wish you well, I know that you probably hear how inspiring you are on a daily basis, which you are. I also want you to know how important you are by being STACIE, the girl separate to her illness, even though sometimes you may feel like it can consume you or your happiness. Sometimes we just need to be reminded of that.

    Keep smiling,
    Nancy :) x

    chronicteenagetears.blogspot.co.uk

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Thank-you for commenting <3