16.5.15

Would you rather...

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My sister asked me the today whether I would prefer to have had 50 false alarms or the amount I have had, being 3 false alarms.

This is something I have gone over a lot in the past 3 years. I remember in the early days I always used to say how horrible it would be to have a lot of false alarms because it would be disappointment after disappointment and I'm sure that would be awful but then I have only had 3 false alarms in 3 years, I feel like that is equally if not more awful than having a lot of them. Look at it this way if I had, had 37 false alarms whilst I have been on the list that would only be 1 false alarm a month, I definitely think I could have done that. 

The problem is when you only have a call once a year like I have had you start to doubt whether it will ever happen and I can assure you that lately I been feeling exactly that way, in my mind it's not happening and maybe never will so I'm just trying to live each day as they come. If I had 50 false alarms in my time that would provide some sort of hope because you know they are thinking about you, you know that they really are trying to find those organs for you but when there is so much time between calls you feel like a number on a page, just a bunch of details that people quite frankly don't care about you're just a statistic to them. It's just the way it is. 

I have expressed this feeling more than once to Papworth especially in February, I told them that I feel like a statistic, that I felt like the only reason I even had my false alarms in the first place was because they knew it wasn't going to happen and they were just trying to make it appear like they are at least "trying" to do some heart and double lung transplants without actually having to do them. My mind has even gone to the place of maybe the organs that they said weren't viable actually were and they just pretend like they aren't so they can use them on someone else. I do realise as I'm typing this a) how cynical this sounds, and b) how dramatic it sounds, but this is just where my mind goes. I don't know whether this is how other people have felt I feel like this is the kind of stuff that people daren't speak of or at least try not to acknowledge. 

Maybe if I had, had 50 false alarms my mind would still be going to those places I don't know but from where I'm currently sitting I would much rather have had the hope of 50 false alarms than the very disheartening affect of 3.   

As always, thank-you for reading guys and chat soon
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