25.7.15

A book...

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You know when I wrote my blogpost on what it is I want to do with my life? Well loads of people told me I should write a book. This is not me announcing that I'm writing a book because I am so not doing that. I understand why people would want me to write one beceause I suppose from an outsiders perspective my life might appear interesting and I write this blog so it's not a massive leap to go from Blog to Book really but I suppose for me, it is.
 
Firstly I personally am not sure how interesting my life really is, I'm not sure my life is worthy of a book. Don't books have about 80,000 words or something ridiculous? I'm not sure there's 80,000 words to write about my life; I was born ill, I got more ill, nearly died a few times, waited too long for my transplant and then got it, that is the story of my life in a nutshell hardly worthy of a whole book.

People I think, think that because I can write a blog that therefore means I should easily be able to transfer those skills and apply them to writing a book. I find it hard enough writing this blog somedays because I'll have a train of thought that seems quite coherent in my brain but then as soon as I try and get those words out and express them to you guys it just doesn't seem to happen, there are so many blogs that have been started and never finished because I just can't get the words out into a coherent train of thought that will make any sense to anyone else and a book can't be just random thoughts it has to be something that very clearly has a end goal, somewhere to go. 

I think for me as well, by writing a book I would have to go back to some really dark and horrible times. I was a very positive person but there are times in my life that I would really rather not go back to that I would definitely have to do if I were to write a book because as much as I don't want to go back and feel those emotions again they are what got me to this point but I don't want to feel them again. I don't think you could write about all those feelings and emotions without really feeling them again and remembering them. I don't want to go back to feeling the anxiety and fear I used to feel and I just feel there would be no way to avoid that if I were to start writing a book. At least with my blog I can minorly address something from before but it's a minor fleeting thought that I don't really have to feel but I can imagine writing a book would be a very intense process that I just don't think I could put myself through. I'm all about protecting myself and if that means not thinking about things and emotions that I know would be too hard for me to deal with I'm not going to do it. 
 
I personally don't believe that my writing style is appropriate for a book either. When you read this blog you are very much reading me, what I'm writing and how I'm writing this is how I speak this is very much ME. That isn't a bad thing, I very much like that this is how I write because it means you are getting a true sense of who I am as a person so if you were ever to meet me in person you could be quite confidant that I would be the same person I am as the person you read about. That being said that does under no circumstances mean that it would be good enough for a book. Can you imagine an entire book of my ramblings?! I think I personally would want to tear my eyeballs out but maybe that's because its me and I generally cringe and want to tear my eyebaalls out at anything I do. 
 
Then there would be my opinions. I wouldn't be able to write a book about my life without a few opinions on certain aspects of it be them PH, transplant, the list, other patients, hospitals etc. I am a very opinionated person and I can imagine some opinions I have would offend some people and I would really rather not do that so I would rather avoid putting myself in position where that would more than likely happen. I think also a book would mean delving deeper into my life than I currently go on my blog and I'm not sure I would be entirely comfortable with that I'm really selective about what I share on anything and even people who are close to me are surprised to find out some things and I think writing a book it would be very hard to avoid going deeper into my life than I am comfortable with. 

It would also very much mean addressing things that I haven't even currently addressed myself. So many people constantly ask me about what it's like to have another persons heart and lungs in me. Now I suppose this is a perfectly reasonable question for people to ask and I get it, I do, but I'm going to be compleltely and totally honest with you guys I really haven't been able to connect the two together yet. I know that's going to be hard for some of you to understand I mean how can you not connnect the two together? I can't explain it to you in a way that you'll ever get it but I don't feel like I have another persons organs inside me so it's very hard to wrap my mind around the fact that, that is what has happened. So when people ask me these questions I tend to swiftly avoid them because I'm not sure I'm entirely ready to deal with that yet and I'm not naive enough to believe that when writing a book I could avoid that topic.

I'm not sure maybe one day I will when I feel like have a grasp on things more and maybe one day I'll think "Yep, let's do this! Let's write a book" but that is definitely not now.

As always, thank-you for reading guys and chat soon
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3 comments:

  1. Have you come across Oli Lewington's book 'Smile through it'? Was adapted from his blog & is the account of his wait, double lung transplant (he's a CFer) & recovery. Quite understand why you don't want to write a book yourself but this might interest you to have a read. Oh and your blogs are very interesting :)

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  2. If you don't want to write a book don't feel like you should because people think you should or because of what you've been through! You don't have to write about a book on your experience, or anything. Easier said than done, but just go with your gut and what makes you happy :) and don't worry if it takes a while to find where you want to be in life, plenty of people don't even find what they want to do until their 40s/50s/60s! You have all the time in the world now :) xxxx

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  3. You can't have on opinion on anything without offending someone. It's the nature of the beast. Don't ever let it stop you from expressing your opinion unless someone would be truly hurt by it. Being offended is NOT being hurt, regardless of what some twits would have you believe. So glad you're doing well. Evidently you waited just the perfect length of time, as scary as it was, because you are showing no signs of rejection, which means no other donor would have been just the one for you. Be well, stay well, live a long and love filled life.

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Thank-you for commenting <3