10.7.15

Deserving?

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I always wanted to write this blogpost while I was waiting for my transplant but I'm going to admit I was scared to write it because I didn't want it to come across like I didn't want my transplant. The thing is while you wait for a transplant you get the phrase "Oh but you deserve to get you transplant" a lot  I never knew how to respond to that statement. It was always very lovely of people to say because they probably genuinely felt like I did but it's a statement that always confused me. I would have strangers say it to me and I would always just think to myself "but how do you know I deserve this? I could be a really awful human being who doesn't deserve to live" How would they know? Do you know what I mean?

With this statement brought up a whole other loads of feelings and confusing questions for me as well because then I would ask myself Do I actually deserve this? What if when I get my call it could have gone to a mum of 3? How is that fair I'm relatively unattached I don't have kids or a husband or any of that kind of stuff and then I would feel guilty because I could potentially be taking that away from someone else. This is all very hypothetical by the way it was just where my mind went to an still does from time to time.

Now I've had my transplant I'm getting the "You really deserve it Stacie" and I think all my nearest and dearest would say so I've waited my entire life to be able to really live but there are so many other people on the list who are probably in the same predicament that I was, ill for their entire lives and just waiting to be given that one chance to really get on with their lives. How does that make me deserving? What makes someone deserving? I actually did an interview and the woman asked me a question and I can't remember exactly what it was but I think she was shocked by my answer because she said "so you don't want your transplant" and I remember saying "it's not that, it will or it won't happen. I have no control over it but what makes me more deserving than Mr or Mrs random no name?" The thing is the list is done on stats and numbers and all of that kind of stuff it is not done based on whether you are a good person or not if it were then a lot of people that I know would not have died. 

I just question this statement a lot because am I really deserving? It puts a lot of pressure on you to be so, or to live up to the statement because if you don't live up to it then you've got a lot of people watching and by not living up to the statement you are in affect not doing your donor proud and from my 4 years in the transplant community that is something I see a lot, everyone is so very worried about doing their donors proud because they died and we didn't and if we don't do them proud we are in affect wasting our gifts and none of us want to do that.  

So what does it mean to be truly deserving of something? 

As always, thank-you for reading guys and chat soon
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