18.7.15

What a difference 3 years makes...

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On this very day, exactly 3 years ago a 21 year old me sat down on her bed laptop in hand and created this little space. I had only just been put on the transplant list 3 months earlier I had no idea what life had planned for me but I just remember being excited for it. At this point I was very idealistic, everything was going to work out and my transplant would happen in no time that being said I did know I was having issues talking to people and I knew if I ever wanted to get through this with my mind in tact I would have to find a way to be able to talk to people. That's where this came into play. 

When I look back on me 3 years ago I don't think she would really believe we are where we are now. I think she would definitely be mightily disgusted that I STILL haven't finished my degree, nearly there though guys just one exam to do and I'm done LOL, she would have been horrified to learn it took over 3 years to get my transplant and probably even more horrified that we had 3 false alarms. She would never have believed that being put on the transplant list would lead to me making life long and irreplaceable friends who I honestly just couldn't see not being in my life anymore, they got me through some of the worst times and are just truly amazing people who I share my whole life with. 

If I had known I would have had to have waited over 3 years for my transplant I know without a doubt I would have said "I can't do that, I'll die before it happens." The only reason I know that is because I remember thinking about the 6 month mark that if I had to wait 2 years I was probably going to die and that is why for the better part of the year before my transplant I was convinced I was going to die, people were saying 'when it happens' and I was thinking 'when it doesn't happen' and as much as people were trying to be positive I know for a fact, because people have told me, they weren't so positive in their own heads everyone was very worried for me. I think the me of 3 years ago would be proud that I managed to persevere for as long as I did because I never really had that much faith in how much more I could go through even back then. You never know how much you can actually go through until you are on the other side of it and I went through a lot.  

I look back on these past 3 years and I don't feel like I've done much or achieved anything really but I think that's because my soul focus for the past 3 years has been "Stay alive" and if I haven't achieved anything else I achieved that! I can well and truly say I managed to stay alive and I managed to buy myself at least a few more good quality of life years. 

A few things I wish I could tell the me of 3 years ago though is to try not to worry so much, I think the anxiety was one of the worst things about waiting, I mean that and the not knowing, but the anxiety it just had me on edge all of the time. To tell her thats she's not doing it wrong there is no right way to get through that experience and just because you feel like everyone else is doing it better doesn't mean they are and it's okay not be okay people really don't expect you to be okay all of the time.   

I look back on 3 years ago and see how different I was and where I am now and how far I've come and that's even with the restriction of being on the transplant list and although I have no idea what I want to do, be or become I look ahead at the next 3 years and really cannot wait for what it has in store for me because I can actually go and discover it all now. 


As always, thank-you for reading guys and chat soon
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5 comments:

  1. AWW, happy 3rd blog-day, Stacie! You have had one of the craziest bunch of years that I've ever read about and you are still such an incredible person! You're as quirky as me and now have a shiny new transplant too!! Cannot WAIT to see what happens in the 3 years! xxxx

    Dee | www.promptsbydee.co.uk

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  2. Happy Blog Birthday!! Your story is an amazing story and you are an amazing person! Here's to many more years of blogging & a fit and healthy life x x

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  3. Christine Fairbrother19 July 2015 at 06:43:00 BST

    Happy third birthday blog day. It
    must be so exciting. I love your, your such a source of hope.
    I love your idea of the future version, coming to say- "it'll be okay and guess what? - it's time to adventure!". I would love future me to come and say that.

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  4. Happy 3rd blog anniversary!! You sound like such a strong person. It's funny how looking back you realise what you could've done differently to be happier, and how much you've changed since then.

    -M
    The Life of Little Me

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Thank-you for commenting <3