24.8.15

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It's going to be ramble blog I'm afraid, I don't really know where I'm going with it I just want/need to write I suppose. 

It's been a shockingly awful day for the transplant world today (23rd August). Sometimes it seems that we as a community can go a fair while where no-one seems to be dying and people are getting the transplants that they need, people are still suffering but things are ticking along nicely. It sometimes lulls you into a false sense of security and for me at least I kind of forget that we're all  time bombs waiting for our turn to go off. Those on the list and those of us who have had our transplants too, those of us who have had our transplants have hopefully just delayed or extended the time on our own personal bomb. Then days like today where a baby who wasn't even 4 months old died whilst waiting for a heart and a young girl who only turned 17 days ago died after fighting so hard against rejection, it just reminds me that transplant isn't the magic cure that some people think it is and we still remain in a unstable and uncertain life.

I can't say I've thought about death that much since my transplant besides my occasional jokey references to it, I think I've just been in my little bubble of "I got my transplant, my donor brought me way more time than I had, I'm so happy and thankful" I mean I've probably thought about death a little more when I've been having biopsies because that's natural but then people die and bring you back from your little bubble and for me it's not that I'm worrying about ME dying it's more for my friends. I'm only very close to a very select few people that I talk to everyday or very regularly from the transplant community. I protect myself, so it's not that other people dying within the transplant community isn't sad and awful, it really is, I just have my kind of shield up where rational Stacie kind of comes in to play and thinks people die everyday you know it's life it's what happens and especially with transplant. The problem today is that it was a baby and a young girl and it's a bit harder to rationalise that in my mind. 

I feel like today has taken me somewhat out of my happy bubble, I don't feel so safe, death feels a bit closer than it did yesterday. It's really my own fault I choose to expose myself to all the transplant stuff  and it's hard to deal with sometimes but they are amazing people and there is massive support in that community and it is invaluable.

I do wonder though when or if we'll ever not be have to worry about dying for at least a decent amount of time or think "you know what Yes I'll be here in 10 years" and KNOW for sure that we will. I want there to be day where we aren't plagued by the monster in the dark that is rejection. 

As always, thank-you for reading guys and chat soon
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