6.8.15

The phase...

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When I was on the list I went through a phase, a phase I don't think many people really noticed unless you lived with me. It was a "Fuck it I don't care I'm going to die anyway, so may as well do what I like phase." This lead to me spending a lot of money on things I didn't really need. I'm not going to sit here and say to you I regret this phase because I really don't, I was severely unhappy at the time and spending money and buying things kind of made me a little bit happy and I was all for something that made me a little bit happier. This kind of stuff usually occurred during the night when I couldn't sleep and had way too much time to think on my hands so I would retreat to the internet and look at clothes and make-up and just things that honestly weren't needed but it took my mind off of things and made me happy when they arrived. 

How did I have all this money though? I hear you ask. Well my bank were stupid enough to give me a credit card that's limit wasn't exactly small. In my mind it didn't really matter that I was spending this money because so long as I was paying the minimum payment then it was all good because if I died then it would just go away because I wasn't attached to anyone it was just me and the money couldn't be transferred to anybody else so I was only hurting myself in the long run. I realise how awful this logic is but honestly it meant I could do things without having to really care whether I had the money or not. It meant I could go to mine and Meg's Vampire Diaries conventions and spend hundreds of pounds and not really have to think about it or care. It meant I could buy my iMac and I really do not regret that decision at all. 

Anyway the point of this is that earlier on this year about New Years I started to feel very guilty about the fact I had spent all this money even though I didn't regret it. So I decided to seriously pay it back rather than just the minimum payments because even though the money couldn't be transferred to anyone else I still didn't want to have to leave someone with the hassle of having to sort it out if I did die. The problem was shifting my mindset into the fact I couldn't just spend money how I liked so it has taken me a very long time and then my transplant happened and one of my first thoughts after getting home was "Crap, I didn't actually die and now I really, really do need to pay this off or I'm buggered." I can officially say as of this week I have paid off my credit card and do not intend to ever use it again unless it's a absolute emergency! 

I've always been quite good with money in general, I think that phase was just me kind of rebelling against my situation I had no control over anything else in my life really, what I could do, where I could go, my health, medications, my life everything got slowly taken away from me so I suppose in my mind it was a case of well if I can't do any of that stuff, if I can't control any of it I can at least do this! I'm totally not recommending it as path for other people to go down because it's beyond stressful when you do have to pay it back and the only reason I suppose I've managed to is because I live with my parents who extremely generously don't charge me rent or bills or anything otherwise I really would have been well and truly screwed. 

I'm officially skint for a while now but I suppose it's better to have very little money for a little while than to owe people a lot of money for a long time.              

As always, thank-you for reading guys and chat soon
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1 comment:

  1. I did the same! I have severe M.E., anorexia and I was abused so buying things made me feel better. But, I really regret it! I now am trying to pay it off but my fiancé I'd my carer so neither of us have a lot of money and we have to pay our bills and it stresses me out so much! So well done for paying it off :)

    I'm so glad you got your transplant and now you can live life to the full! xx

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