You know as a a heart patient, a PH patient and now a transplant patient and just a regular visitor to hospital you lose all modesty it is something that generally gets left at the door the second you walk in a hospital or a GP or any sort of medical surrounding. Growing up in hospital you learn that you don't have the time to be shy and in fact life is a million times easier if your aren't, so saying that I've never really been afraid to whip my top off when asked (by the right people that is.) I'm not afraid to be topless in front of 10 to 20 doctors which has actually happened, when a nervous student doctor asks you to take off your top and bra and if that's okay and you just laugh because it's hilarious that they're even nervous about it. Transplant brought a whole new not caring about all that stuff to me. Firstly there was the catheter, the grimmest thing ever and was in fact one the things I was least looking forward too and then there was being bathed by nurses and there's absolutely no way to protect any sort of modesty you have in that scenario. After a transplant you are basically a child again but the nurses definitely made me feel better because they were saying to me how they literally don't even think about it, it's what they are there for and they aren't judging you they just want to make you feel better and get you clean so that kind of made any awkwardness I had go away. People will tell you that I really have none at all because I literally take my bra off in hallways before x-rays just to save time.
Why am I saying all this? Well the thing is, it's my scars. Or more specifically my main scar. It's not that I'm shy about people seeing it or reserved about it I just don't like it. It's one of the things I knew I was going to have to get used to and the thing is the majority of my clothing is low cut and you will obviously see the scar. I don't like it and I don't like how much people immediately know about me because of it. I mean they may not know initially that I had a transplant but they can at least guess that I had a major operation probably heart related and can probably guess that I'm ill or was ill. I really don't like the idea that someone I've never met can know that much about me just from a glance at me. It's one of the things I hated about my IV line in my chest and wearing oxygen out in public because they were just massive neon signs that said "ILL GIRL."
The problem is people aren't "allowed" to mention that they don't like their scars. I've seen people ask how they can reduce the redness of their scars and be bombarded by people saying "Why would you want to hide it?" "It shows that you're a fighter" "You should be proud of your scar" etc. etc. etc. I'm not proud of my scar at all, my scar didn't do anything, I did! I'm proud of me. Honestly if you say anything remotely bad about your transplant scar it's like you've said the most heinous thing on the planet. It's a self confidence thing as well we go through so much and even before transplant we are littered with scars from various things and for me at least they're reminders and sometimes I just don't want a permanent reminder on me, you know? Or a big bold sign saying "This girl went through something!" The thing is it's not that I want to get rid of all of it but sometimes I just want to be able to erase the top of it, the bit that people see because I really don't care about my drain scars because very few people see them and then my scars from all my IV lines you really have to be paying attention to see but I think even when my main scar fades it'll still be visible so ideally I'd just like to erase the first 2 inches of it.
As always, thank-you for reading guys and chat soon
I'm in my 20's and after waiting 3 years,
I underwent a heart and double lung transplant because I suffered from a illness called Pulmonary Hypertension.
This blog is where I documented that journey and will continue to document all the amazing highs and the lows post-transplant. I hope to continue to raise awareness for both PH and organ donation and I would love for you to continue to share this journey with me.