30.11.15

6 months...


SIX months ago today my life restarted. Six months ago today I was woken up at 5am to the news that I was about to be given a life that I had never had. Six months ago today I was wheeled to theatre on my own where I cried as they put me to sleep wondering if I would ever open my eyes again. I was given a new set of heart and lungs to replace my old failing and decaying ones. I was given a whole new life. 

I can't believe it's been 6 months, there's a part of me that feels like I had my transplant so long ago that 6 months feels like no time at all to the way I feel but then May and June just feel like they were last week sometimes, it's strange for me. It's weird because one day I was dying and the next I wasn't, I went to sleep in pain and ill and I woke up and all of that had been erased. My entire life up until that point was for that very moment, everything that I went through all the pain, all the anxiety, all the waiting, all the medication, everything was so that I could get to that point and get the life that I never had. The thing is, it was worth it. If I went through all of that to only get 6 months or a year or however long, it was worth it because the past 6 months I haven't had any pain, my life may not be miraculously different yet but the simple fact that I am no longer in pain makes all of it worth it. The pain was the worst part of it all. The waiting was terrible and torturous but more of a mental torture but the pain was awful it never stopped, there was no rest from it and my only wish was to die painlessly and it looked at times like I was never going to get that wish. 

Then it happened. I didn't believe until I was on that table being put to sleep, I refused to believe it until that point like so many others do because my 3 false alarms had taught me that it's not guaranteed until the organs are physically in your chest but it happened. 

I've adapted very well since my transplant, I've had very few problems *touch wood.* Sometimes it feel like my body was prepared for it and knew that, that was what needed to happen for us to feel any kind okay again. I like to think my body welcomed the organs with open arms. I get asked a lot whenever I get interviewed or by people in general "What does it feel like to have someone else's organs inside of you?" and I personally think this has a lot more intrigue when it comes to heart and lungs because they are really I suppose the only organs that you can feel or think about, if you know what I mean? Lungs, you are physically breathing all the time it's something that you're kind of aware of and your heart is beating all the time and something I especially feel a lot because I'm very aware of it. Whereas I wouldn't say you'd particularly notice the jobs you're other organs are doing. Or you know you're a normal person who just doesn't think about their organs at all like you're supposed to. But I suppose the answer is it doesn't feel like anything. I'm still very aware of both my heart and lungs but they don't feel like somebody else's they feel like mine just different to what they were. Personally as well I don't think people who get transplants should have to view them as somebody else's because that would be very mentally draining I think, to go about your life with a constant feeling that a part of your body is not your own sounds awful to me. 

I find it very hard to be one of those people who verbalises their thanks for their donor every day. I see people do it everyday and wish I could be one of those people but I just can't. I don't go a day where I don't think about her at some point but saying thank-you just seems so stupid in comparison to what she did. Thank-you just seems so small and so insignificant compared to this amazing thing that she did and it makes me so incredibly sad that she will never know what she did, she will never know what she did for me and my family and my friends, for all of the people that I love. I was for lack of a better term a living corpse for the 6 months before I got my call and and this woman that I don't know and never will know gave me my life back, well not even back she gave me A life, and I will never be able to say thank-you and that makes me very sad. 

The past six months have been amazing though, I've done so many things that I never thought I'd be able to do again I've walked up a road without stopping, same with stairs. I've walked on a beach, in fact several beaches. I've had a bath up to my neck unencumbered by a piece of plastic coming out of my chest attached to a machine. I went to Freaking Wimbledon! I've been able to go and visit my friends who live further afield and there are just so many other things that I'm doing and will get to do that were just unimaginable to me a little over 6 months ago and I get to do it all with the people I care about the most and that is just amazing to me! 
  
As always, thank-you for reading and chat soon. 
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2 comments:

  1. I cannot believe that it's been 6 months. How incredible! So amazing to hear you're doing well too :) xo

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  2. I am honestly so so touched by this post. I can understand how you're feeling although my condition is not as serious as yours. I'm so happy that you're finally done waiting, i've been watching your blog since 2013 and remember how eager you were to have the transplant and all the false alarms. I am honestly happy for you. Two months ago I have a severe case of arthritis leaving me disabled for two months, I wasn't able to go to the bath or shower unaided. I had to be lifted up and dragged and it was awfully painful, even the strongest painkillers didn't help. Until I was eventually treated and I was able to walk again. I also had a heart problem that's related to my autoimmune disease and suddenly the pain went from 100% to almost 10% and I honestly couldn't believe that I'm normal again. I got sick in 2012 and ever since I took painkillers almost every night to fall asleep and some mornings to leave the bed.

    I understand that what I experienced is probably not as 1/4 intense as what you've gone through but I want you to know that you're understood! Congratulations to you on your new life and well done for winning the fight!

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Thank-you for commenting <3