10.11.15

Failing?

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I feel like I'm failing. Everyone says how well I did getting my transplant and how easy it all seemed for me. It did and you know some of it was easy for me. The operation part wasn't nearly as hard as I had anticipated it being and there wasn't nearly as much pain as I thought there'd be but it's just this after bit that I'm finding a bit hard. 

I'm focusing very, very hard on Christmas and My Birthday because I just don't have a clue what I'm doing with my life. I know I've said it before but I just don't know what I want to do. People ask me what I'm doing or going to do and I just shrug or say "I have no idea." I don't have a plan. At least when I was doing my degree that was a focus point something to work towards. I don't have anything. That was kind of my hobby if you like, I don't have any other hobbies unless you count being able to Internet shop really amazingly? Which I don't. I wouldn't mind getting a job but that's a hard one because they would still have to be flexible in the event that I had a unexpected stay in hospital or for some reason something happened which at this stage is still a very likely occurrence. I'm not allowed around excessive amounts of people and all that type of thing.

I know it's only been five and half months since my transplant but I just feel like I should be doing something by now. I'm making sure I go to the gym at least 3 times a week which has been a good focus for me but I just feel like I need some kind of purpose if that makes sense. When I was waiting for my transplant that was my focus, I was solely focused on staying alive and well enough to get my transplant and then I did. Now what though? Where do I go from here now that I have it. Ideally I'd love to travel but to do that you need money and the only way to get money is to have a job and for me to get a job I really would prefer to know what I want to do with my life rather than getting a job just for the sake of getting a job. There's part of me that wishes I had known before my transplant exactly what I was doing with my life, I wish had had already been in the career path that I wanted to be in and then I could have just got right back to it after I had, had my transplant. 

I want to help people, ideally I would like to do that but that would probably for me mean something transplant related which I wouldn't mind doing, not at all, but I'd maybe like to help people in another capacity that didn't involve my "story" where I could just be me without being the girl that got a heart and double lung transplant. I don't want to be stuck doing a 9-5 desk job, I don't want to have finally got my life back to have it held hostage by a job I hate. It would be different if it was a 9-5 desk job I loved but I really can't imagine me loving that.

What kind of opportunities are there for a girl who hasn't worked for 18 months, has a random history degree that really doesn't mean anything and has no experience doing anything really? 

I just feel like I'm failing a bit at this post transplant life or playing catch-up I guess. I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing or what I want to do. How do people figure this out? How do they know exactly what it is they want to do? Or how to make a difference in the world? Or am I just over thinking it and putting too much pressure on myself to find something? I don't know, I'm just finding it really hard to know what it is that I want to do or can do. 

I want to do something fulfilling, something worth doing. I don't want to end up hating it and feeling that I'm just going out to earn money coming home and sleeping and doing it all over again. That's just not the kind of life I want. I want to enjoy what ever it is that I end up doing, I just can't get a good grasp on what it is that I want to do. I feel like the more I can't find it the more I'm failing.  

There's a lot of pressure from everyone in my mind. I feel like people are expecting amazing and wonderful things from me and I'm just a normal girl who happened to need and have a transplant. I'm not special enough to do amazing and wonderful things and I feel like if I don't find something soon I'm just going to be letting all these people down who have these high expectations of me. It's hard for me to shake off this feeling of expectation that I feel like I have on my shoulders. The thing is the expectation is probably from me alone and there's only me that can get rid of it but I think the only way that I can do that is by finding something that I want to do, something fulfilling and something that I love doing.

As always, thank-you for reading and chat soon. 
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5 comments:

  1. Hey, this isn't failing at all - this is just living :) everybody feels like they don't want to waste their life away doing a 9-5 they hate, its just that for you, that feeling is magnified by like a zillion because of what you've been through. But instead of feeling like you should be doing something amazing already, look at what you've already done so far - you've come SO far and you've got this amazing blog and you're working on your health right now xxxx

    The perks of being a
    hipster- Christmas Yankee Candle
    Giveaway!

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  2. Aww thank-you Cate. I'm probably my own worst critic which is probably half the problem really. I think after Christmas I will find some kind of focus :) xoxo

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  3. I totally get your anxieties. But we have to understand that the point of life is not looking for a point of life, you know? We have to find a way to be present, in the moment... instead of planing the future and panicking about what could happen and what not. Have you ever tried meditation? I do it and it has worked wonders!! I'm so much more content, mindful and happy!


    puddleofthings.blogspot.com
    Salma xx

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  4. I think there are probably plenty of opportunities for you; it's not like you've been sitting around doing nothing for the past 18 months, you've had a lot to overcome and, like you said, you still need to be flexible in case you need to stay in hospital for a while. Employers aren't going to look at that and tell you you weren't doing enough (and if they do, they are obviously not worth working for!) I've never known what I wanted to do, I always had these ideas that would suddenly appear and then burn out almost instantly. But I would always take any opportunity that came my way, without any plan at all - shop jobs, mentoring jobs, volunteering with stroke patients and disabled children... anything that took my fancy. And I told people at uni what I was interested in (i.e the psychology of eating haha) and then they hooked me up with the right people and because I'd got this random CV of odd jobs, I had the skills to fit the part. Don't worry about nailing yourself to a particular career path, life has a habit of twisting and turning xxx
    Lucy @ La Lingua Italy

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  5. Hi Stacie,


    I have been reading your blog for a long time now. I came here through "the girl with heart disease".

    I am 41 years old and live with a palliativ operated congenital heart problem (pulmonary atresia with VSD and high lung pressur).

    Even though I underwent five open heart surgerys and a lot of other hospitalisations, I always learned and studied to be a social teacher. Always being pressured by my parents who a very intelligent people. I worked for 13 years in a social association for people with heart problems to listen and spread medical information.

    The jon was not fullfilling as everone else was thinking. I felt too much with the people, the workload was too much. I hated the job and finally retired two years ago.

    Now I try out things with the energy I have left. I did my cambridge certificate last year. I learned knitting. I love to cook healthy food.

    Sadly I am to ill to travel much. Otherwise I woul do this too. I go to university courses.

    I do everything that I missed during my formativ years....

    And I found a psychotherapist who helped me grow up and love my life again.

    Try out things you want to try out as long aa you are able to. Ask for professional help. Somewhere out there is someone who is able to help you sort your ideas and thoughts.

    Positive waves of love
    Julia

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Thank-you for commenting <3