I did something yesterday, something I can't tell you until next week unfortunately but it's exciting I promise! It required filming and being up at 6am, like actually up not wake up and take my pills do my pump change then go back to sleep kind of up, actually get up and stay up; have a breakfast rather than lunch for breakfast, get changed into actual nice clothing and not sleep during the day. I've missed being proactive, having something to do.
You can plan as many things as you like, pretend like you're actually doing something but nothing beats actually accomplishing something. It has been so long since I've felt that real tired feeling. It must be weird considering how much I complain about having to sleep so much but yesterday it was the kind of tired you get from having a long day from really doing something not just because I'm ill. I'm not sure if that makes sense to you guys because it's hard to explain.
Yesterday, although it's not the industry I want to work in because acting and that type of thing has never been something I have aspired to do, it just made me want to be able to do something so badly. I'm paying the price for yesterday today and probably for the next few days but today I was just twiddling my thumbs because I felt like I should be doing something, I wanted to do something.
As a terminally ill person you become so used to doing very little you forget what it's like to actually work at something and get it done, that feeling of "yeah, I actually did something today that I'm really pleased with" this is because you are so focused on keeping yourself well you are constantly working on something that you never see any real progress with. I know I'm getting my degree as well but I am so bored of it now I don't actually feel like I'm accomplishing anything with it I just want to get it over and done with.
My transplant will be the biggest thing I will ever do in my life and I will never be able to top it because a transplant takes will power and powering through some extremely tough times (fyi this is the reason I admire all of my transplant friends SO much) but I hope it means I get to go on and have those kind of days where I feel like I did something in those days not just sit around wishing I could do something like I do at the moment.