25.7.15

A book...

source
You know when I wrote my blogpost on what it is I want to do with my life? Well loads of people told me I should write a book. This is not me announcing that I'm writing a book because I am so not doing that. I understand why people would want me to write one beceause I suppose from an outsiders perspective my life might appear interesting and I write this blog so it's not a massive leap to go from Blog to Book really but I suppose for me, it is.
 
Firstly I personally am not sure how interesting my life really is, I'm not sure my life is worthy of a book. Don't books have about 80,000 words or something ridiculous? I'm not sure there's 80,000 words to write about my life; I was born ill, I got more ill, nearly died a few times, waited too long for my transplant and then got it, that is the story of my life in a nutshell hardly worthy of a whole book.

People I think, think that because I can write a blog that therefore means I should easily be able to transfer those skills and apply them to writing a book. I find it hard enough writing this blog somedays because I'll have a train of thought that seems quite coherent in my brain but then as soon as I try and get those words out and express them to you guys it just doesn't seem to happen, there are so many blogs that have been started and never finished because I just can't get the words out into a coherent train of thought that will make any sense to anyone else and a book can't be just random thoughts it has to be something that very clearly has a end goal, somewhere to go. 

I think for me as well, by writing a book I would have to go back to some really dark and horrible times. I was a very positive person but there are times in my life that I would really rather not go back to that I would definitely have to do if I were to write a book because as much as I don't want to go back and feel those emotions again they are what got me to this point but I don't want to feel them again. I don't think you could write about all those feelings and emotions without really feeling them again and remembering them. I don't want to go back to feeling the anxiety and fear I used to feel and I just feel there would be no way to avoid that if I were to start writing a book. At least with my blog I can minorly address something from before but it's a minor fleeting thought that I don't really have to feel but I can imagine writing a book would be a very intense process that I just don't think I could put myself through. I'm all about protecting myself and if that means not thinking about things and emotions that I know would be too hard for me to deal with I'm not going to do it. 
 
I personally don't believe that my writing style is appropriate for a book either. When you read this blog you are very much reading me, what I'm writing and how I'm writing this is how I speak this is very much ME. That isn't a bad thing, I very much like that this is how I write because it means you are getting a true sense of who I am as a person so if you were ever to meet me in person you could be quite confidant that I would be the same person I am as the person you read about. That being said that does under no circumstances mean that it would be good enough for a book. Can you imagine an entire book of my ramblings?! I think I personally would want to tear my eyeballs out but maybe that's because its me and I generally cringe and want to tear my eyebaalls out at anything I do. 
 
Then there would be my opinions. I wouldn't be able to write a book about my life without a few opinions on certain aspects of it be them PH, transplant, the list, other patients, hospitals etc. I am a very opinionated person and I can imagine some opinions I have would offend some people and I would really rather not do that so I would rather avoid putting myself in position where that would more than likely happen. I think also a book would mean delving deeper into my life than I currently go on my blog and I'm not sure I would be entirely comfortable with that I'm really selective about what I share on anything and even people who are close to me are surprised to find out some things and I think writing a book it would be very hard to avoid going deeper into my life than I am comfortable with. 

It would also very much mean addressing things that I haven't even currently addressed myself. So many people constantly ask me about what it's like to have another persons heart and lungs in me. Now I suppose this is a perfectly reasonable question for people to ask and I get it, I do, but I'm going to be compleltely and totally honest with you guys I really haven't been able to connect the two together yet. I know that's going to be hard for some of you to understand I mean how can you not connnect the two together? I can't explain it to you in a way that you'll ever get it but I don't feel like I have another persons organs inside me so it's very hard to wrap my mind around the fact that, that is what has happened. So when people ask me these questions I tend to swiftly avoid them because I'm not sure I'm entirely ready to deal with that yet and I'm not naive enough to believe that when writing a book I could avoid that topic.

I'm not sure maybe one day I will when I feel like have a grasp on things more and maybe one day I'll think "Yep, let's do this! Let's write a book" but that is definitely not now.

As always, thank-you for reading guys and chat soon
 Instagram 
 Pinterest

24.7.15

The first bad day...

source
Okay so I've titled this "The first bad day" but I mean it's not been bad as in really bad it's just been bad because I have my first bug since I had my transplant. I've been throwing up and just generally feeling quite awful all day which has been "really" fun I can assure you. It's been very strange because I've been SO well since I had my transplant to suddenly not be able to really get out of bed has been weird to say the least.  

Now normally this wouldn't really be an issue but with throwing up that then means I've probably thrown up pills which being post transplant is not a good thing. Luckily I only managed to throw up one called Itraconazole which basically helps me absorb one of my immuno-suppressants we think I managed to absorb some of it so it's not a massive issue it's just going to make me worry till Wednesday now. The rest of today was basically spent on me focusing on not throwing up after taking any pills because I did not want to add that to my worry list.   

I haven't been too worried about it though because everything else is fine like lung function, temp, weight etc. I think this experience has just been a learning curve for my family because now we know how easily I can pick up bugs from little people so whenever anyone is ill I will be staying far, far away. It's a weird thing to get used to I think because even though I was ill before I still managed to fight off bugs pretty well and never really caught them too often so to suddenly have my pretty great immune system stripped from me is definitely something I'm going to have to get used to I kind of thought I was going to get away with not getting ill because I've been around quite a lot of people recently and who knows what kind of bugs they all had so now I'm kind of worried that it's going to catch up with me. Well whatever the case it either will or it won't happen and I seem to be dealing with this one okay so hopefully anymore I'll be just as resilient. 

I also forget that I'm only 8 weeks post transplant so I'm still pretty "new" but I feel like I should be able to do all the things I want to be doing like being around people and my body is still getting used to this whole immunosuppressed thing so I obviously can't be doing that. The weather has been awesome though I don't know why but just seeing and listening to the rain makes me happy and it has just been non stop raining today so the world obviously knew I was ill so wanted to cheer me up :). 

As always, thank-you for reading guys and chat soon
 Instagram 
 Pinterest

21.7.15

What next...

source
Do you know what the most common question is I have received since having my transplant is? Besides the obvious, How are you? How are you feeling? 

What are you going to do now? 

Every interview and person I have come across since my transplant has asked me this question and the honest answer is I haven't got a freaking clue. I lived the past year thinking I was going to die and not really thinking or believing I was going to get the chance to do or be anything and now I can and it's like my brain is on freeze it just doesn't have a clue. What do I want to do? 

I know I'm going to do my last exam for my degree but following that I really have no idea. I'm kind of regretting my decision to have done a history degree now because I did it more out of interest not thinking about what I would do after it because I really didn't think I'd be here to do anything after it. I should have done a business degree I was good at business that could have provided me with some opportunities after my transplant. 

I know as a kid I wanted to be a lawyer during the day and then a doctor at night because that was totally feasible in my mind, then as I got older I wanted to be someone who travels that then moved onto me wanting to join the RAF which I think I would have actually done had it not been for the fact that the RAF don't even accept people with asthma let alone someone of my medical standards so that idea was scraped. Finally I landed on I want to be a teacher. Now I'm thinking about it, do I actually want to be a teacher? I love my nephews more than anything on this planet but 3 hours with them and I'm done. Could I cope with a classroom full of 30 odd of them? Then there's the whole immune suppressed thing I'd have a cold every bloody week the amount of germs that go around schools that also applies not just to younger children but older children and teenagers as well. 

Ideally I'd just like to have fun for a while and think about it later but like anything in life you can't just go gallivanting around and I'm actually going to have to think about it at some point I just wish I had some idea what I wanted to be, or become. How do people make this decision and not regret it later? I really don't want to end up doing something just for the sake of doing it. 

As always, thank-you for reading guys and chat soon
 Instagram 
 Pinterest

18.7.15

What a difference 3 years makes...

source
On this very day, exactly 3 years ago a 21 year old me sat down on her bed laptop in hand and created this little space. I had only just been put on the transplant list 3 months earlier I had no idea what life had planned for me but I just remember being excited for it. At this point I was very idealistic, everything was going to work out and my transplant would happen in no time that being said I did know I was having issues talking to people and I knew if I ever wanted to get through this with my mind in tact I would have to find a way to be able to talk to people. That's where this came into play. 

When I look back on me 3 years ago I don't think she would really believe we are where we are now. I think she would definitely be mightily disgusted that I STILL haven't finished my degree, nearly there though guys just one exam to do and I'm done LOL, she would have been horrified to learn it took over 3 years to get my transplant and probably even more horrified that we had 3 false alarms. She would never have believed that being put on the transplant list would lead to me making life long and irreplaceable friends who I honestly just couldn't see not being in my life anymore, they got me through some of the worst times and are just truly amazing people who I share my whole life with. 

If I had known I would have had to have waited over 3 years for my transplant I know without a doubt I would have said "I can't do that, I'll die before it happens." The only reason I know that is because I remember thinking about the 6 month mark that if I had to wait 2 years I was probably going to die and that is why for the better part of the year before my transplant I was convinced I was going to die, people were saying 'when it happens' and I was thinking 'when it doesn't happen' and as much as people were trying to be positive I know for a fact, because people have told me, they weren't so positive in their own heads everyone was very worried for me. I think the me of 3 years ago would be proud that I managed to persevere for as long as I did because I never really had that much faith in how much more I could go through even back then. You never know how much you can actually go through until you are on the other side of it and I went through a lot.  

I look back on these past 3 years and I don't feel like I've done much or achieved anything really but I think that's because my soul focus for the past 3 years has been "Stay alive" and if I haven't achieved anything else I achieved that! I can well and truly say I managed to stay alive and I managed to buy myself at least a few more good quality of life years. 

A few things I wish I could tell the me of 3 years ago though is to try not to worry so much, I think the anxiety was one of the worst things about waiting, I mean that and the not knowing, but the anxiety it just had me on edge all of the time. To tell her thats she's not doing it wrong there is no right way to get through that experience and just because you feel like everyone else is doing it better doesn't mean they are and it's okay not be okay people really don't expect you to be okay all of the time.   

I look back on 3 years ago and see how different I was and where I am now and how far I've come and that's even with the restriction of being on the transplant list and although I have no idea what I want to do, be or become I look ahead at the next 3 years and really cannot wait for what it has in store for me because I can actually go and discover it all now. 


As always, thank-you for reading guys and chat soon
 Instagram 
 Pinterest

10.7.15

Deserving?

source
I always wanted to write this blogpost while I was waiting for my transplant but I'm going to admit I was scared to write it because I didn't want it to come across like I didn't want my transplant. The thing is while you wait for a transplant you get the phrase "Oh but you deserve to get you transplant" a lot  I never knew how to respond to that statement. It was always very lovely of people to say because they probably genuinely felt like I did but it's a statement that always confused me. I would have strangers say it to me and I would always just think to myself "but how do you know I deserve this? I could be a really awful human being who doesn't deserve to live" How would they know? Do you know what I mean?

With this statement brought up a whole other loads of feelings and confusing questions for me as well because then I would ask myself Do I actually deserve this? What if when I get my call it could have gone to a mum of 3? How is that fair I'm relatively unattached I don't have kids or a husband or any of that kind of stuff and then I would feel guilty because I could potentially be taking that away from someone else. This is all very hypothetical by the way it was just where my mind went to an still does from time to time.

Now I've had my transplant I'm getting the "You really deserve it Stacie" and I think all my nearest and dearest would say so I've waited my entire life to be able to really live but there are so many other people on the list who are probably in the same predicament that I was, ill for their entire lives and just waiting to be given that one chance to really get on with their lives. How does that make me deserving? What makes someone deserving? I actually did an interview and the woman asked me a question and I can't remember exactly what it was but I think she was shocked by my answer because she said "so you don't want your transplant" and I remember saying "it's not that, it will or it won't happen. I have no control over it but what makes me more deserving than Mr or Mrs random no name?" The thing is the list is done on stats and numbers and all of that kind of stuff it is not done based on whether you are a good person or not if it were then a lot of people that I know would not have died. 

I just question this statement a lot because am I really deserving? It puts a lot of pressure on you to be so, or to live up to the statement because if you don't live up to it then you've got a lot of people watching and by not living up to the statement you are in affect not doing your donor proud and from my 4 years in the transplant community that is something I see a lot, everyone is so very worried about doing their donors proud because they died and we didn't and if we don't do them proud we are in affect wasting our gifts and none of us want to do that.  

So what does it mean to be truly deserving of something? 

As always, thank-you for reading guys and chat soon
 Instagram 
 Pinterest

9.7.15

I went to Wimbledon!

There are a few things that I've always been like "I HAVE to do that before I die." I would always say I wanted to do them but 6 weeks ago it very much looked like all the things I wanted to do were just never going to happen and I had very much accepted that because I would much rather have spent any time I had left with my family and friends and it was okay because that was far more important to me than visiting somewhere or doing something that I always wanted to do. Then my transplant happened and the world opened up again, I might, just might get to do the things I had always wanted to do if I could just get this bit right. I'm obviously still trying to get this bit "right" I am by no means out of the woods but it's definitely going well at the moment. 
When I got told by my doctors that I could go to Wimbledon this early on I still didn't quite believe them and then when I got offered tickets and the doctors still said I could go I still wasn't sure whether it was okay to get excited yet. It wasn't till I was actually at the gate waiting to go in that I really knew it was happening and I was actually going to Wimbledon! 

The day started off stressfully to say the least. Me and Candice left my house at 5:30am to get to the ITV studios and drop off the car for 9am we thought 5:30am we'll get there with plenty of time, no worries. We did not! We got there at 8:55am after a lot of getting lost in London. We very much dislike London driving, drivers are very rude and everything is just very intense and I think we got lost at least 10 times, we made it though which is all that matters lol. We were then driven from ITV studios to Wimbledon where we met Nick Dixon and someone from Wimbledon's press office who was lovely and a guy called John from the LTA who was actually the guy who asked the LTA people to give me the tickets, he was so, so lovely and just really a delight to have met. We then Met Cathy who was the president of the LTA and the woman we would be having lunch with. She presented me and Candice with our tickets, she was genuinely the loveliest lady ever! I was really worried going there that I would just be the commonest person on earth and they would think "What have we done bringing this common girl from Wiltshire here?!" which they may well have thought but they still were lovely to me which really put me at ease. We met Andrew Castle straight away and then Annabelle Croft and then Johnathon Marray and then whilst we were on our tour we bumped into Lindsay Davenport and Goran Ivanišević which was really surreal because they were just walking around how weird! 

We had to try and squeeze in some filming for ITV because we did the interview today but we had a really jammed packed day we had to have lunch in the presidential suite which was really nice! There were lots of people there who had something to do with tennis in one way or another and when they started the lunch Annabelle Croft did like a run down of the championship and the day ahead and introduced my red faced self to everyone. Then Cathy did her speech whereby she talked about me and I was probably the shade of a very red tomato at this point lol. We had a very lovely lunch which was good because I'm normally very fussy with food but everything was delicious! I couldn't eat all the pudding because it was so rich but Candice enjoyed the rest of it immensely LOL. By the point the lunch was finished we had to go and do a bit more filming for ITV but then we got to go into Centre court and watch the Shrarapova v Vandeweghe match which we stayed for 2 sets. we had a great view! Loved every second of it, we left with numb bums mind but that was a seating thing LOL. We made our way back to the presidential suite where me and Candy indulged in Cream tea, with scones and cake and mini sandwiches and then just a few more strawberries. This is the point where I tried Pimm's I'm going to show you the pictures for you to see what I thought of Pimm's...
 
Pimm's was not nice guys!! It tasted like medicine! I really wanted it to taste good but I think it's just not my thing haha. You know if me and Candice had felt the inclination to get hammered in that presidential suite we quite easily could have they just kept offering champagne and wine and  Pimm's and anything you wanted really. I stuck to water and orange juice lol. 

My next story is going to kill me to say and I can't quite believe I'm admitting it either. Soooo I was 5 feet away from Andy Murray without totally realising it and didn't get a picture! So me and Candy had made our way to the practise courts and I was totally dying for the loo at this point and then this guy walks past that looks a little bit like Andy Murray, Candice goes to me "Who was that? I'm sure that was Andy Murray!" and then I'm all like "it was probably Jamie Murray he played his doubles today, we'll come back I just really need the loo" We go to the Loo and come back to the practise courts and talk to one of the really nice Wimbledon ladies who tells us that it actually was Andy Murray and he had gone home. I hate myself!!! I have to go back to Wimbledon now just to rectify this situation, that is all! LOL. 

After my devastation at missing Andy Murray or being so stupid shall we say we made our way back to centre court to catch some of the Serena Match and what we saw of it we really enjoyed. Women do make some odd noises though lol the entire crowd were laughing at a lot of it because it was just hilarious some of the stuff they were coming out with we then made our way to be picked up and taken to our hotel and on our way out we bumped into Tim Henman who was nice enough to have a chat and have a picture, which was lovely of him. 


I was one very extremely tired Stacie by the end of the day and actually had the best sleep I have had in ages! Today we had a interview with Good Morning Britain who invited us back to talk about our day and I think that had to be one of my most relaxed live interviews I've ever had. I really enjoyed it. 

I'm just so, so appreciative for everything everyone did for me The LTA who gave me the tickets and a amazing day that I otherwise may never have had. Good Morning Britain for being so supportive the past few years and being the reason that it was even able to happen in the first place. The other people who were kind enough to offer me tickets to Wimbledon as well because they did not have to and they were far to kind and generous! I just can't believe how amazing people have been and it dumbfounds me and gives me such a sense of pride in us a humans that there are still wonderful people in this world.     

As always, thank-you for reading guys and chat soon
 Instagram 
 Pinterest

6.7.15

How I got through the list...

I'm not going to pretend that I am an expert on "being on the transplant list" because I definitely am not/was not. If you've been reading for any length of time you will know that there were moments there where it just all seemed far too hard because it was! Transplant list life is hard and absolutely nothing can prepare you for it, nothing. Now I am not saying this to scare anyone who is about to go on the list because that is far from my intention. It is simply the truth. If like me you know you're going to be in for a long wait prepare for a very hard mentally challenging road. 

I remained positive for a very long time and I personally believe my attitude has a lot to do with why I'm still here. Negativity although natural brings you down and I personally believe it can make you feel more ill. Now the longer I was on the list the more that negativity creeped up on me, it was like a looming cloud constantly in my peripheral vision always there reminding me. It was definitely what I found the hardest, remaining positive and not losing it when people were constantly saying to me,"it'll be soon" "I just know it'll happen really soon." I'm a realist those kind of statements never helped me when I was on the list, I never wanted people to think me getting my transplant was a given because it was not in any shape or form. I was VERY ill at the end there, there was a very good possibility I was going to die, I was getting to a point where they potentially could have taken me off of the list. There were a lot of things I never told anyone while I waited because I didn't want people to worry but we were getting to a point guys and it was not a point that I ever thought I was going to get to while on that list and it was scary as hell. Absolutely nothing in this world can prepare you for that. The night I got my call I had actually told two of my friends what I wanted them to wear to my funeral the colour that type of thing, and of course it was all said in a joking manner but I was deadly serious. 

I do/did get a lot of message from people just about to go on the list or who are on it and have been for a only a little while and they ask me how I got through it, how I waited that long. There is no hard and fast rule for getting through it, you get through it the best way YOU know how. I think for me working for as long as I physically could helped me. I probably worked longer than I should have done I know that all of my doctors were advising me to stop working after I had been on the list for about a year because we could see how much I was deteriorating at this point but I knew for my mental well being at least I had to carry on. I was very lucky as I worked for company that had grown with me as I got more ill and they just learnt to adjust and adapt to that, they were honestly amazing. I managed to carry on for another year and it was hard and I went down to 3 hours a week but to me it was worth it. Unfortunately you do get to a point where you have to know your limits and my limits were being bed ridden for days after I did my shift at work and I was living a very limited life. When I quit it helped it meant the days normally spent in bed weren't so painful and I wasn't so limited because I wasn't exhausted from work but you sacrifice that people aspect of your life and you do have to make that decision. 

Other things I did was make sure I planned things that I could do.  Now that could range from shopping with a friend, to dinner with friends, cinema day, DVD day etc. They didn't have to be extravagant things they just had to be something that I could look forward to and actually do and enjoy without being in to much pain. Also I had to be very aware that whatever it was I planned that if I got a call I had to be okay with cancelling what ever it was. As a matter of a fact I had a very busy June planned before my call happened and I had to cancel it all; Taylor Swift at hyde Park, My Vampire Diaries convention, a wedding, various things with friends. I had a lot planned. Heart and Lungs trumps plans though and I always knew that. 

I found doing PH and Organ Donation awareness stuff really helped me. People would always say but doesn't that just make you think about it more and it's hard to describe but I felt like by doing all the awareness stuff I was in some way earning my transplant. I never wanted to feel like I did nothing towards "the cause" I always felt like how can I expect some generous person and family to help me if I haven't helped anyone else and a lot of it was just talking and that was something I could still do and if it helped then that was what I would do.

I think one of the main things I did that helped was THIS and by this I mean my blog. This blog really helped me. It was never intended for lots of people to read I shared it with others so if they wanted to they could but this blog was for ME I needed somewhere to get stuff out, to express myself. I used to internalise a lot of stuff I'd never talk to people about anything and I knew going on the list that, that had to change and this was my way of changing that. It was never a feel sorry for me space it was a this is what I'm feeling and I just need to say it and it always made me feel better once I had, it was like releasing those feelings and emotions into the world they were no longer so heavy for me to carry they got just a little bit lighter. 
  
I suppose I'm going to sound a bit of a hypocrite saying this but making sure you're healthy while on the list would definitely help. As I've said before Pilates really did help me post transplant and I'm so pleased I did it I'm also sure that by having a little bit of extra weight behind me helped to because it meant my body had something to feed on whilst it's been healing but I'm saying this I know how hard it is to do any kind of exercise when you are that ill and I've never been one to say no to chocolate or pizza but I think even something small can help. 

It's weird for me now because the list seems like such a lifetime ago now and the cloud lifted the second I woke up from my transplant and now that I'm on the other side I can say "The pain that I went through, the excruciatingly long wait I had was worth it in the end" and trust me Stacie of just 36 days ago would hate me for saying that because while you're going through it and experiencing it; the pain, the mental torture, the wait just doesn't seem worth it at all but that's because you can't appreciate it until you're on the other side.   

As always, thank-you for reading guys and chat soon
 Instagram 
 Pinterest

2.7.15

Adjusting...


Hello my beautiful people. 

So today is the first day since I had my transplant that I've had an extended period of time by myself and I'm loving it. I feel like for the past 4 and bit weeks I've just been surrounded by people and I'm a people person I am and I enjoy being with people but I do like time to myself just to chill out and do things I enjoy doing without having to worry about anybody else. Also it's nice not to have to answer the question "How are you doing?" "Are you okay?" and all it's other various different forms of the same questions about 20 times a day. I know it's people just caring and worrying but sometimes I just want to be like Shush!

I've been home a while now and I've had 2 clinic appointments since I've been home which is crazy because everything just seems to be going so fast. There's been lots of adjustments since being home. I've got my head around my medications now I think. I'm currently taking them at 6am, 8am, 10am, noon, 2pm, 6pm and 10pm which isn't bad in the grand scheme of things and that will start to become less when I come off of the Nebulisers that I am doing and a few others go away after a certain amount of months so that's all good. The Nebulisers are a particular pet peeve of mine though. They tie me to the house because I have to do them at 6am, 2pm and 10pm and because it's a machine I can't take it with me so I think once they're finished I'll be able to get out and about a lot more. The pills side of it hasn't really been too much of a adjustment though because there really isn't that many more than what I was taking pre-transplant which has been a happy surprise.

I think the exercise is more of an adjustment for me because while I wait for the cardiac rehab people to get a hold of me I'm having to force myself to get up and do things which isn't that hard anymore but I have days like today for instance where I would quite happily just sit and watch Wimbledon all day. Food has now become the devil! Not that it wasn't before but now I no longer have a barrier that stops me being able to eat. Before transplant when I ate I would get out of breath and I physically couldn't eat anymore because my lungs just wouldn't let me so I had that barrier to be able to stop, the problem? Well with these brand spanking new lungs that barrier is gone so I can eat way more than before. It's annoying I actually have to have will power to stop now :-/

CHOCOLATE! Now the reason this is in capitals is because I no longer seem to like it.... Yes you read that correctly. I've been trying it every single bloody day since about the first week I had my transplant and it tastes rank! Everyday I get the same disappointment and let down of tasting chocolate that previously tasted amazing and at the moment just doesn't. The only way to describe the taste is that it tastes like it's gone off or something and it's very annoying. I love chocolate and I cannot believe it's the one food I seem to have gone off since my transplant. I mean it's probably good in the whole grand scheme of things and my weight will appreciate it but I mean why chocolate?! Of all the foods in all the world to go off of why chocolate?! I'm hoping it's just one of the drugs or the Nystan that I have to put on my tongue after ever meal which will stop eventually. I'm persevering though and will continue to try it everyday till it tastes right lol.

I thought I was going to be really on edge while I was home and I definitely was the first few days but a friend actually said to me the worst that would probably happen is I'd get rejection and that would feel like flu so that kind of made me relax a bit and I've just been really enjoying being home and it's also kind of a security blanket knowing that you're never that far away from a clinic appointment in these early stages so I know if something doesn't feel quite right there's always someone on the end of the phone or I have a clinic appointment in the next few days. Not that I've needed that so far but it's nice to know :D.  

As always, thank-you for reading guys and chat soon
 Instagram 
 Pinterest