13.1.16

The Bad night...


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I'm having a bad night. It's 00:47am and I'm sat wide awake checking my temperature, pulse and failing to check my lung function for fear of waking my parents. These don't happen very often anymore. I don't actually really remember the last time this did happen to be honest it must have been back in August I would think but anyway that's here nor there, I'm having a bad night. Nowadays being awake past midnight is a rarity and honestly there's nothing wrong with me really. 

Ever since my transplant my heartbeat has been something I've barely noticed now this might seem strange especially when you think of all the post transplant stories you hear about how strong their new hearts are and all they can do is feel it's new strong beat. Well for me pre-transplant my heart was something I felt ALL the time it never felt weak because it was working so damn hard to keep me alive it was always very present to me, working away in there sometimes I did have moments where my heartbeat would dip into the 40's and 50's and honestly I thought that maybe I was about to  die but mostly I was kept awake with a 120 sometimes up to 150 heartbeat that was just pumping away doing the very best it could whilst also simultaneously scaring the crap out of me. Now though? Well my heartbeat is fairly normal around 90 on an average which is far below what I was feeling before so I barely even notice it nowadays. Tonight however it seems that no matter what position I take in my bed, it is all I'm feeling. That kind of freaks me out, I've checked my heart rate though and it's fine, 95, so a little high but that's probably because I'm anxious about the fact I'm feeling it. 

I think though it's because before I tried to get to sleep though I was thinking about some of the things I had to do after my transplant, you know procedures that type of thing, so my mind is just you know on the topic a bit and therefore I'm just noticing it and also my right lung is kindly reminding me that it's there this evening like it likes to do sometimes and that's likely not helping matters either. 

The thing though? I sometimes think that those of us who've had transplants kind of forget the enormity of what we've done or had done or been through. Before our transplants we are so focused on just surviving making sure we just make it through that we don't care what's on the other side as long as we make it, if we keep going it will be okay. Then we get it and then we keep going, we don't stop! We carry on. We don't rest because we can't, we now have to put all this hard effort into making sure we can keep the life we've been given. I don't think I ever really got the chance to think about what happened or what I did. So I think sometimes the enormity of it just creeps up on you when you're in a quiet moment like I was when I was trying to sleep and just reflecting on some things and then bam there it is in the forefront of your mind. I know that I'm extremely lucky to have had such a smooth ride through all of this but sometimes you just look at it and think "Woah! That was actually a very big thing, how did I even do that?!" I can't answer that question but I just think sometimes I need to remember to just take a minute and just remember that what I did, what I went through was huge and it will creep up on me sometimes and that's okay. 
As always, thank-you for reading and chat soon. 
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1 comment:

  1. I hope you're feeling better now, a lot of the time we focus on people throughout illness and the lead-up to their surgeries and treatments and then afterwards there's nothing really in place to help them reconcile with everyday life. Fingers crossed we'll all start taking notice xxx
    Lucy @ La Lingua: Food, Travel, Italy

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