Square one...

I'm feeling a little sorry for myself today and not because I'm ill or anything I just feel like I'm bit of a failure or not a failure in the grand scheme of things but as a transplantee, I just feel like I'm a bit rubbish today that's all. 

The past few weeks I've been a bit lazy especially when it comes to exercising now and I'm pretty sure I know the reason, it's my Fitbit and as wonderful and as motivating as that can be it's also demoralising at times as well. I have a lot of "normal" people on it and also other transplantee's as well and I find it very motivating when I'm in a  challenge with other transplant people who are at about the same stage in their recovery as me because we're all kind of on an even keel and I don't feel like i'm utterly failing at everything but then I'll be in challenges with "normal" people or people who are much further along after transplant and it just makes me want to curl up and hide and not do anything. People seem to believe that by doing more they're motivating you to do the same and that's really, truly not the case! I see these people who are doing like 25,000 steps a day and I just can't physically do that at the moment and so in my brain I think "well what's the point if there's no way I can win?" The one week I managed to do 55,000 steps in 2 days and still didn't win. It was just SO demoralising and vowed never to do it again!

Now today it was decided that I needed to really start doing more again and I did a walk that 10,000 steps to the place where I was going to eat lunch and that included a little walk around a little park bit with a lake and what not, then stopping and having lunch and then walking back which was another 5,000 ish walk. Now that the walk is done I can appreciate that it's done and that I did it but honestly the entire time round I was out of breathe, felt awful, and my lungs seemed to be screaming at me the whole time. It just felt like I'd reverted back to my exercise tolerance of me just after I had my transplant and I honestly hated it. It felt like I was utterly failing because I should be able to do that kind of walk now and it was just SO hard. 

It just seemed to be a reminder that I won't ever be normal and that I can't ever really take a rest from doing exercise if I don't want it to feel like my lungs and heart want to rip themselves from my chest. It's going to take a while to build up my tolerance again although admittedly that should be a bit easier than it was initially after my transplant. I just need to get my motivation back again and I certainly can't be comparing myself to people who are years post transplant and normal people who have no kind of health impairment. I just wish it was easier, I wish that you got your transplant and then that was it you were like everybody else. Like I'd love to be able to run but I just don't see it happening when a 15,000 step walk has just completely wiped me out. 

I just wish that I could excel at this one area of my life for once and right now it just doesn't seem to be. I'm a average girl who does averagely at everything and it would seem transplant is no different.  

As always, thank-you for reading and chat soon

1 comment:

  1. I'm so sorry to hear you're feeling like this, sometimes competition can be really motivating but you're right, when the competition is doing 10x the amount you feel capable of it's so demoralising! I don't really know how fitbit works but it sounds like you need a break from the challenges with non-transplantees. It's hard not to compare ourselves, but sometimes we need to just compare our current selves with our past selves and work forward with that. I don't bother comparing myself with other people my age on sports and fitness related things because I didn't grow up in a sporty household so compared to my fellow students (who all seem to have been privately educated and captain of various sports teams), I'm hopeless! But compared to me three years ago, I'm acing it! It really helps to drop the pressure and just work on improving myself slowly xxx
    Lucy @ La Lingua | Food, Travel, Italy


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