I'm feeling a little sorry for myself today and not because I'm ill or anything I just feel like I'm bit of a failure or not a failure in the grand scheme of things but as a transplantee, I just feel like I'm a bit rubbish today that's all.
The past few weeks I've been a bit lazy especially when it comes to exercising now and I'm pretty sure I know the reason, it's my Fitbit and as wonderful and as motivating as that can be it's also demoralising at times as well. I have a lot of "normal" people on it and also other transplantee's as well and I find it very motivating when I'm in a challenge with other transplant people who are at about the same stage in their recovery as me because we're all kind of on an even keel and I don't feel like i'm utterly failing at everything but then I'll be in challenges with "normal" people or people who are much further along after transplant and it just makes me want to curl up and hide and not do anything. People seem to believe that by doing more they're motivating you to do the same and that's really, truly not the case! I see these people who are doing like 25,000 steps a day and I just can't physically do that at the moment and so in my brain I think "well what's the point if there's no way I can win?" The one week I managed to do 55,000 steps in 2 days and still didn't win. It was just SO demoralising and vowed never to do it again!
Now today it was decided that I needed to really start doing more again and I did a walk that 10,000 steps to the place where I was going to eat lunch and that included a little walk around a little park bit with a lake and what not, then stopping and having lunch and then walking back which was another 5,000 ish walk. Now that the walk is done I can appreciate that it's done and that I did it but honestly the entire time round I was out of breathe, felt awful, and my lungs seemed to be screaming at me the whole time. It just felt like I'd reverted back to my exercise tolerance of me just after I had my transplant and I honestly hated it. It felt like I was utterly failing because I should be able to do that kind of walk now and it was just SO hard.
It just seemed to be a reminder that I won't ever be normal and that I can't ever really take a rest from doing exercise if I don't want it to feel like my lungs and heart want to rip themselves from my chest. It's going to take a while to build up my tolerance again although admittedly that should be a bit easier than it was initially after my transplant. I just need to get my motivation back again and I certainly can't be comparing myself to people who are years post transplant and normal people who have no kind of health impairment. I just wish it was easier, I wish that you got your transplant and then that was it you were like everybody else. Like I'd love to be able to run but I just don't see it happening when a 15,000 step walk has just completely wiped me out.
I just wish that I could excel at this one area of my life for once and right now it just doesn't seem to be. I'm a average girl who does averagely at everything and it would seem transplant is no different.
I'm in my 20's and after waiting 3 years,
I underwent a heart and double lung transplant because I suffered from a illness called Pulmonary Hypertension.
This blog is where I documented that journey and will continue to document all the amazing highs and the lows post-transplant. I hope to continue to raise awareness for both PH and organ donation and I would love for you to continue to share this journey with me.