12.9.16

Here we go again...

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I'm having a weird day. I found out this morning that I have been back on the Transplant waiting list since last Wednesday. So as of Wednesday 7th September I am once again considered someone pre transplant which is weird in itself because I'm also considered post transplant, a very odd situation to be in. 

I'm currently sporting loungey pyjamas and don't plan on getting out of them, I've been working my way through a tub of Marks and Spencers crispy chocolate biscuit things, I'm catching up on "Victoria" and "Poldark," and the only makeup on my face is on my eyebrows so I don't feel entirely non human at least and I would be able to answer the front door should somebody happen to knock. 

I honestly didn't think I'd feel weird when I found out that I was back on the list, I just thought it would feel like it did before but it's different this time for some reason. Last time I remember being so excited about it all but I also remember being okay if I had to wait a while because at that time I wasn't too bad so I knew I had the time unless something seriously bad happened, but that was comforting for me knowing that I had the time to wait. I don't have that comfort this time I keep being told I just don't have the time I had last time and that's extremely scary and frightening to know that and I know towards the end of my last wait we knew I didn't have much time then but in my mind I knew I couldn't have waited as long as I did for it not to happen so I was always sure I'd get there in the end. 

This time I feel like there's much more on the line and a lot more pressure for me to stay alive not just for me but I've got to keep my current donor alive if only partially, she's kept me alive for the past year and I feel like I have a duty to at least keep the part of her alive that I can and the only way I can do that is by getting new lungs and by doing that I'll be gaining the responsibility of another person, it's a lot.

I really do wish I wasn't having to do this again, I feel like it's not fair on me or my family and i know that sounds really just childish I guess, I can just imagine me as a child or teenager whinging saying how my life isn't fair and "why me? what did I do wrong?" but I'm trying not to view it that way because that gets no-one anywhere and there are people worse off than me who can't even get on the transplant list for the first time let alone a second time so those people are probably thinking I'm extremely lucky to be in the position I am in and I am very lucky that I have this opportunity. I'm just tired you know, mentally and physically, I wanted my break and I barely got one. 

The good thing this time is I'm not waiting to do anything, I know how fleeting life is and I will do as much as I can while I'm waiting and I will make the very most of my good days and do everything I physically can to enjoy everything whilst I'm waiting, be that sewing something, colouring (which I'm really enjoying at the moment lol) a day out with the family, a trip with the boyfriend or simply just watching a movie on the sofa with the people I love most. 

We'll get there again guys and this time I promise to try and make it stick. 

As always, thank-you for reading and chat soon
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1 comment:

  1. I really admire your positive attitude in the face of such adversity! Stay strong, you are doing so well and the very best you can :) That's all you can do! And you are inspiring so many others (like me!) Sending love to you!

    ReplyDelete

Thank-you for commenting <3