17.11.16

Yourself...


I think I'm settling into the being ill thing again. Not in a 'I'm okay with it' way but more that we kind of have a routine now and I'm getting used to that and everything feels a little more settled. The doctors keep trying to extend my clinics to 3 or 4 weeks now that I'm more stable and every-time I decline because I like the routine I have with going every 2 weeks. For me the 2 weeks is enough time away from the hospital that I don't feel like I'm there all the time but close enough that if something starts to feel weird or strange or just off I know I haven't got long till a clinic and that is something that is really reassuring for me. Also I'm spending 50% of my time at my boyfriends and 50% with my parents and it just sort of works nicely with that as well.
 
Honestly I would say the 2nd time around is proving more difficult than the first time around and I wasn't expecting that. I have always said and will continue to say I would do and will do transplant all over again without hesitation, it was the best decision I have ever made in my life, I didn't however anticipate the readjusting to ill life and how hard that would be for me. I never factored in that I would have had a "break" my body got given 11 months rest bite so it found out what a bit of normal felt like and therefore forgot what dying lungs felt like. That's okay though and it's something I'm trying to adjust to physically again but also mentally.
 
The thing I think I'm finding hardest particularly this time around is how little I'm able to do myself, I don't feel like myself a lot of the time and I'm relying heavily on people to help me with things. In particular I find washing my hair really hard work the past three times I've washed my hair Mark and my Mum have ended up having to do it for me. Now luckily I'm not someone who's ever really been bothered about that type of thing and enough people have seen my boobs in my time that having to have someone wash my hair isn't a massive big deal, it's just the fact that they're having to do it if that makes sense? It probably doesn't to you but I don't want the people I love to have to do these really simple everyday tasks for me and I know I would do exactly the same for them if they needed me to I just wish it wasn't necessary. Getting changed is getting harder and especially at the end of the day or a day where I've done a fair bit for me so people helping me get changed is becoming more of a thing. I also just feel like I'm being stripped of myself a bit. The exhaustion is just so overwhelming most days so clothing choices for me have become limited: I need easy to put on, baggy so I don't have to wear a bra and I just don't have the energy to put make-up on most days and I know these sound trivial and they are really but I like to make an effort with my appearance and not look sick, I constantly feel the need to apologise when people see me with straggly hair and no make-up. It's ridiculous but it's something that I like to do for me and at the moment it's just not happening unless I  really, really have to.

I said the other day how I wished I could go back to normal and then that made me quite sad because I realised that me being ill is my normal and in actual fact the past year has been completely abnormal for me albeit wonderful, so I should technically be wishing to go back to abnormality and isn't that strange? Whatever the case I just know I want to feel myself again or at least want to draw upon past Stacie to be able to get through this again because I'm not entirely sure how she managed it.

As always, thank-you for reading and chat soon
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1 comment:

  1. You don't need makeup for people to know you are truly beautiful x

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Thank-you for commenting <3