Hello my wonderfully beautiful people. I apologise profusely for my continued blogging absence, it genuinely upsets me that i can't seem to get back into a routine with my blog, I so, so want to be blogging regularly but I'm never in that frame of mind to be able to do it. I have so many things I want to blog about and say but I can never bring myself to do it or I'm just to physically and mentally tired to do it. I mean I don't have tonnes and tonnes of adventures to be blogging about or anything but I do miss the cathartic nature of writing it all out in a blog post but the ability to do so just isn't there at the moment. I'm even surprised that I've started this one to be honest. 

What has been going on in the land of me though? Well I think I can say things have been going "smoothly," no major hiccups or traumas to speak of and actually i think we're managing to get on with life to a slightly normal degree. My body isn't being the best it has to be said. Although I have healed from my surgery quite nicely and I'm adjusting to any changes in my lungs since then I have been having some serious stomach issues which have been extremely painful. For a while these stomach pains were daily occurrences which would have me in so much pain it would make me cry and double over in pain and still does. Papworth unfortunately can't really do anything about it but luckily my palliative care doctors are being so amazing and really seem to want to try and solve the issue because although I'm terminal and poorly I shouldn't have to suffer in pain. So Mark and I went to a appointment whereby my lovely palliative care doctor sat with us for over an hour and discussed literally everything we could think of in association with the stomach pain trying to figure out potential catalysts and triggers, any kind of pattern that might occur all that type of thing. We do know that ultimately it probably is down to the amount of drugs I take as I'm on 24+ different types of meds daily which amounts to 70+ pills a day! That's not going to go down to well in a stomach especially when it's been a long running thing. We have tried to reduce any medicines that may not be needed but literally everything I'm on is a necessary drug which really makes it also impossible to pinpoint whether it's actually a specific drug causing the pain as so many of my drugs side affects are stomach related *sigh.* I went for a ultra sound scan the other day on my tummy and that also resulted in a internal scan as well because my womb and ovaries were hiding apparently. Can't say I particularly enjoyed the internal scan that much as I wasn't expecting it at all but I did it and I'm pleased I did as it then rules out anything sinister going on in the that area of my body. I've got a appointment next week with my doctor and she will see if there's anything going on. If not then we'll have to try and come up with a different plan of action. 

I'm really enjoying life though it has to be said. Me and Mark are currently embarking on quite a interesting venture that I won't announce just yet, just in case it decides not to happen and then I'll just be uber disappointed, but it's really exciting for us and is keeping us busy and our minds occupied. I think regardless of my health and how that can interfere with our life I'm still really enjoying it and so happy with our little family, Marzuki has been just the best addition to our lives, genuinely Mark and I have so much love for him he is like our little baby. He is just such a little character and I think if people could see us and the way we interact with each other they might think us a little odd but we do talk to him and he talks back with his varying degrees of miaow's we truly do have a way of communicating with each other. We spend so much time with him and he loves spending time with us, if we're in the apartment Marzuki is where we are, although any love given or received by him is very much on his terms he's such a independent little fellow. He really has brightened our lives in ways we didn't even know he would. Admittedly he can be a little poo sometimes but I think it makes us love him even more. 

I'm trying to get into the Christmas spirit but I just don't seem to be able to this year, I think the problem I'm having is the past 2 Christmases really have felt like they were supposed to be my "last Christmas" so this year it's like how do I top the past two? Once again this christmas could be my last christmas and once again that's more true than it's ever been but I feel like a broken record and there's only so many last christmases you can do, right?! I'm sure once December arrives I'll start feeling it but at the moment it's just not there for me, I haven't even brought a christmas jumper for this year or started wearing them yet and I think that demonstrates exactly how none christmasy i'm feeling. It's really quite sad. 

I am however really enjoying my colouring at the moment, I seem to be a colouring machine! I really do truly love it! I'm not like a pro colourist or anything and I'm not even that good, I just really enjoy the process of it, it's so calming and relaxing for me, it takes my mind off of things and I feel like I've accomplished something at the end of it. We're thinking of giving me a colouring nook :-D LOL. I've invested in some lovely pencils and some pens. You know I think if anyone with anxiety were to come to me and ask me what the one thing I would recommend to help with it was I think i would definitely recommend colouring its such a amazing calmer and really can just take you out of your own head for a a little while. Saying that actually, I have a carer come and look after me on a Monday, Wednesday and a Friday for a few hours at a time and swear she must think that's all I do haha! But she is so lovely my carer and feels more like a friend to me than a "carer," she's the same age has the same interests as me and really is just a lovely person, so I feel extremely fortunate to have gotten a carer that I get along with so well, especially as if I get worse I'm going to have to trust her to do more things for me and I certainly think it would be more helpful to really like the person if they are going to be doing any more personal care. 

I will try to blog more guys but like I said I do find it harder these days to get into that frame of mind but I will try I may have to sort a timetable out for myself or something, we shall see. But for now I shall bid you adieu :-) 

As always, thank-you for reading and chat soon



Okay so last time I wrote it was the night before my operation so quite a few weeks ago now, it's actually October 4th now so yep I've been a bit slow on the old informing you guys on what has happened and that is simply because I haven't been able to sit down and write anything. Not that I haven't had the time because I have plenty of time I just find it hard to go over and think about and rehash over again. The whole subject is hard on me and just quite frankly draining. I'm going to try but there probably won't be tonnes of details about you know the little ins and outs. 

So I did have my op in the end and everything went well, it took 3 hours in the operating theatre and unfortunately I did spend a couple of hours in recovery because I woke up in more pain than was to be expected but I was given a lovely little morphine drip that I was able to press every 5 minutes on top of my additional Oramorph and Zomorph pain meds. My thumb was certainly very active for a few days haha. What did they actually do though? Well I was unaware going in exactly what he would do as he himself didn't know until he got in there but what ended up happening was the top lobe of my left lung was stapled and removed as this was the section of my lung that had lots of little "bubbles" (only word to describe them) which were the things that kept popping and making my lung collapse so it was great that these were easily removed but that didn't necessarily fix the problem as there would still be the odd one floating around the lung that could cause future collapses. However the top left lobe of my lung also housed my Aspergillious fungus ball/cavity and my surgeon being the clever little noggin he is managed to remove it now this is great news but did cause further issues down the line as it upset a few family members (more on that later.) In addition to the section removal he had to remove some of my lung lining and then they applied the Talc which essentially irritates the lung and creates a reaction where it sticks the lung to the chest cavity wall. Everything seemed to go well and so far it seems to have fixed the problem. 

Now aside from my surgery going well I am still recovering it was a BIG surgery and ribs and chest muscles are some of the most painful parts of the body to heal so it takes a while. I mentioned previously that the aspergillious cavity was removed in the process and this did happen and is great news but this led to a fair bit of upset amongst not just me but my family and led to a lot of discussion for the Papworth team and national committee because my aspergillious ball was a big reason why I wasn't allowed to have a second transplant. I personally didn't allow myself to even think that the removal of the cavity would now allow me to go back on the list because I knew there were just so many other reasons why I wasn't allowed the transplant initially that the removal of just this one wasn't going to make very much difference at all. Papworth being amazing though kept bringing my case back to the table to see if they should reconsider it but still it really just isn't an option for me the risks involved would more than likely result in my death. I'm known for taking risks and i will take risks if I think I can beat the odds but honestly the amount of time I've personally gone through this in my own head I can't see a way that I would survive or having another transplant and it actually improving my quality of life and because of what they would have to do there would be a great chance of me being worse with so many potential problems post that the risk just isn't worth it for me and ultimately it would end up being a total waste of organs. Also I would have to find a surgeon and a team willing to perform it which at the moment there is not and even if I could find one I would still then have to get past the National committee who have already said no and even by some miracle they ended up saying yes I would then have to go through "The Wait" again and that would end up being the same as last time and I am probably not going to last 3 years and there would be no chance of being added to any kind of urgent list as I would require both again, it would be a second transplant as well which automatically disqualifies you from any urgent status. Everything ultimately points to no and I'm okay with that I accepted that last year when they said no but it did unfortunately give some hope to a few family members and I think it's sad that they don't get that hope. But as for me I will continue to go on living my life in the lovely way I have. 

I have found it so hard getting over this one, it really has affected me not just physically although I'm sporting massive dents in my side that resemble belly buttons but mentally this has been a huge challenge. I'm normally mentally very tough I get on and never really let things get to me that much but my anxiety has been through the roof with this one. I can't be left alone just incase something happens and getting out and about is really hard for me at the moment. It scares me. I'm so afraid of this happening again, I don't ever want to have a collapsed lung again. There were times when I was mid collapse and in the A+E and I thought "Okay this is it. This is how I'm going to die." and Doctors were genuinely worried that could be the case too we actually had to have the resuscitation talk as in would I like to be resuscitated should I go into ay kind of an arrest? Obviously my answer was always "YES!" but I could see there being a point where actually I might say "no, fuck it" because those experiences were so painful and so extremely exhausting that I couldn't see myself having to put myself through it again especially as they were happening so close to each other. I wasn't being given any chance to recover or given any space from it to be able to forget the pain and exhaustion of the previous one.

I was extremely fortunate to have Mark there through it all though he managed to keep reminding me I have so much to keep going for and how much we still have to do. He got to stay with me the odd night when I needed him and he was always there to give me cuddles and hold my hand through any situation, he really is a one of a kind. That is however another weight on my mind though and that's how awful this is for him. I know I would do exactly the same for him because I love him beyond anything but the fact is I hate having to put him through this and I know I'm not choosing to have bad health or to be dying but it's awful that he's having to watch this happen and sacrificing element of his health to be with me when I was in hospital, it really did affect him as well and I will always be so sorry for that. I just hope whatever happens in the future isn't drawn out or long winded . 

The positive thing though is that I am on the road to recovering from this though albeit not to a full state of health but to hopefully lungs that aren't going to collapse on my every-time I cough or take a breath. It's nearly 4 weeks since the op and I think we're getting back into the swing of normal life again. We're trying to plan things but not so much that we lose a tonne of money if I had to cancel but planning to look forward to things and hanging out with friends. I am being "babysat" a bit LOL by friends because we still find it hard leaving me by myself but Mark still needs to get out and do his stuff and be himself so we try and get a friend to come and keep me company and hang whilst he's able to do what he wants to do. It's difficult but I think we're making it work.          

As always, thank-you for reading and chat soon



I think my body has officially decided to completely break. It's hit the metaphorical meltdown button and can't seem to return to a functioning order. For those who don't follow me on Instagram, Twitter or Facebook and are unaware of the current situation, well, my lung collapsed.... AGAIN! The bloody thing decided that it wasn't having enough fun functioning like the crappy thing it already is and thought "hey maybe I should collapse again whilst Stacies sister, husband and nephew visit..." I can honestly say collapsed lung has to be one the few experiences in my life that I really truly don't want to have another repeat of it is so terrible for me and I really don't like it. 

This time I had, had a lovely day with my twinny and yes I had probably done a bit more than I had done over the previous few days but nothing I would consider 'pushing it.' we all decided to sit down and watch a movie whilst Jenson was getting to sleep which is when "it" happened. I stood up from the sofa and then I felt a pull in my chest so I thought okay this could just be a pulled muscle so we gave it a few minutes and then I knew it wasn't, the sensation started to spread throughout my chest and my breathing became extremely laboured within a matter of moments. I think it took 5 minutes between the initial 'pull' feeling to us saying "lets go to A&E" and off we went. We literally got to A&E within 10 minutes of leaving and although there was a massive line waiting to be seen by the desk Mark and Megan just pushed me straight on past until we came into contact with a nurse/doctor and we just said "I have a collapsed lung. I need 15litres of oxygen now" I got pushed straight on into Resus and dealt with immediately. The bit I found the most amusing though was a Dr who wasn't very impressed that we hadn't rung an ambulance, I mean how ridiculous why would we have rung an ambulance when we could have ended up waiting longer for an ambulance to arrive at the apartment and do all it's bits and bobs than it took for us to drive up there and basically have the drain in? Exactly we did the sensible thing, especially as we knew what the situation was so we knew this was the quicker, easier, more sensible option, I think that articular Dr just prefers protocol to be met and being seen within a few minutes on A&E is not regular protocol.

I officially had my second drain placed and it was even worse than the first time, The woman doing it, as good as I'm sure she was, was doing it under stressful and emergency circumstances which meant emotions were high everyone was on very high alert and i just don't think it was done the best it possibly could have been. There was A LOT of screaming on my part and even after they had got the drain in I was still screaming out in pain as it still hurt intensely. I'm told this is where the lung was expanding and was creating more pain plus having another drain in so quickly after the previous one has meant some nerve damage all creating a not very nice scenario for me. It eventually calmed down though but I can honestly say tiredness can also be the worst thing about these situations as well. Mark and I were basically delirious from lack of sleep. We were in the Norfolk and Norwich Thursday evening and managed to get out of there by Friday afternoon. This was after Mark and I threatened to leave and come to Papworth under our own steam. Normally we're very patient patients but unfortunately this just was not the day to pretend or lie to us. They told us Transport would be between 1-4 hours and then when it hit the 4 hour mark and they said there was a 2 hour delay we had just had enough, it was what happened the previous time we were there and we ended up waiting 24hours for the transport and we were not in the position where we were going to do that again. So we packed up all of our stuff got me in my wheelchair, pump bucket in tow and we were about to leave when a nurse caught us :-/. When they realised what we were doing low and behold there was a transport just downstairs.... tah dar lol! 

I got to Papworth and I really do just feel like I've arrived home, I feel like i'm with friends I'm with people I trust. The past few days have been stressful for me though, I honestly didn't think I would have to have another drain put in but unfortunately the drain that was placed in to get my lung back up although it did the job it wasn't in the best place/position for the "blood patch" procedure they wanted to do. So it was decided to remove that drain and replace it with a new one. To say I wasn't best pleased really is a understatement the terror that went through me at the mere mention of this is was massive. Then I had lots of people telling me that this time it would be SO much better because it was being done by a surgeon who's bread and butter was chest drains. They all LIED well and truly LIED! I don't think they meant to but ultimately they did. Firstly removing the first drain became more of an issue than it was supposed to and they just couldn't get it out smoothly enough. Then when they finally had and it was time to insert the next drain, the drain insertion wasn't too bad it was the after effects that were terrible, sooooooooo much pain and it just didn't go away at all. They gave me a tonne of morphine, zormorph, codeine and iv paracetamol and even those didn't quite cut it. 

Then on Sunday evening I woke up and my neck, my boob, stomach and arm had all blown up and was inflated by escaped air from my body! It is so uncomfortable and my boob feels like it has just had the worst boob job ever, it's super hard and also when you press it it feels somewhat like a bean bag. My arm feels really heavy, definitely have a tonne of pressure in my throat as well and my stomach is like semi-pregnant woman LOL.... 

~          ~          ~          ~         ~          ~ Small interlude ~          ~          ~          ~          ~          ~

So I took a small break writing that post up there ^ ^ ^ and had totally planned on continuing to write it but in the course of that my Lung decided the collapse YET AGAIN! So lets continue shall we... 

After getting the surgical emphacema in my chest (trapped air in my muscles) it was all considered fine, it's just something that sometimes happens when having chest drains inserted and it slowly disappears by itself being reabsorbed by the body and being released thank goodness. We proceeded with the Blood Patch as planned after a day or two and that went as smoothly as it could have possibly have gone although my arm was being a bit annoying and not wanting to give any blood but we got there and it happened, I was so happy that it was all finally done and I would be able to go home with hopefully a co-operating lung.

So Saturday the 26th of August came and I was allowed home to see my baby and hopefully get back to mine and Mark's normal way of living minus collapsed lungs. We had a really lovely evening and I felt quite calm considering everything and I was just so happy to see my Marzuki who seem just as happy to see me too. I got to get in to our own bed which was amazing and cuddle my wonderful human all night and it really is just these things I miss whilst I'm in hospital. Okay it's nice to have a bed to yourself sometimes but when there are times that all you want is a cuddle or just that someone to tell you that actually everything is fine and the mean things that lurk in the dark aren't going to get you, you can't get that in hospital, the mean things that lurk ARE there and they definitely could get you. But that's what I got for one night i got my human, I felt safe and it was just lovely. 

Sunday morning was of no particular interest, the day plan was literally to REST, end of, and I kind of wish I had just stayed asleep but a body being a body I needed the toilet and so had to get up and go for the toilet. At that point I saw no reason to go back up stairs so me and Mark started to sort my drugs out on the dining room table but I was feeing what I would call a fluttering under my ribs which was definitely a newish sensation for me and only a sensation I had felt whilst having a drain in and air bing released into a bucket. I decided to stop sorting them out and sit on the sofa where my breathing had started to become a bit laboured but I was questioning whether I was just having a panic attack or not which would be reasonable I've been through a lot and truly am very unsure of my body nowadays so anything could probably trigger me. Mark had continued with my drugs hoping that i could distract myself with it, I couldn't. Now i decided it was time to make a move somewhere but where? was the question. We had a bed reserved at Papworth till Tuesday over the bank holiday weekend in case anything happened but could I make it there or did we call 999. It got to a point where I was so panicked and out of my head with worry that I wet myself (side affect of panic attacks that i've now had the pleasure of experiencing :-/), I was completely out of control of myself and unable to breathe, so Papworth was not the answer there was no way we'd get there so Mark ever my gallant savour was on the case and we had a ambulance to us with 5-10 minutes. Credit to the guys they basically decided I was way out the range of expertise and not even going to bother doing anything more than basic obs and just wanted to get me to the A&E where I was shuffled into RESUS immediately. 

Collapsed lung was diagnosed pretty much the second we got there x-ray confirmed it and they were putting a drain in pretty asap. Now this being the FOURTH drain in 3 weeks I have very little room on my side for drains so the guy had a tricky job of having to avoid my spleen whilst trying to insert the drain as he was further down than he would have liked. All praise to the man out of the four drains his insertion has to have been the best and least painful, that is NOT to say that it wasn't painful because it fucking WAS, drain insertion is hell on earth and anyone who says otherwise is a maniac! Once again me and Mark were running on no energy and I was delirious from exhaustion yet again. We were moved to ward where they had clearly nougat a clue about who they were receiving because they were about to put me on a ward bay with 5 elderly lung problem women, bad move. I started by saying you know "excuse me, but I'm immuno-supressed I can't be here" normally a bay can be fine but these were so squished together i felt like any infection could leap from one bed to the next they were that close but they replied with "oh no it's fine we've checked your bloods, you should be ok." Me and Mark were of the same mind, they clearly didn't care about me catching anything but they might care about these elderly women catching something so we allowed them to get me in the bay and settle me into a bed whereby they were then informed of my current and active aspergillous and pseudomonas which they were unaware of to this point as clearly no-one had read my notes properly. Immediately it was obvious to the head nurse that I could not stay here not because she was afraid of me catching something but me spreading my infections to her five elderly patients. I was swiftly moved the a side room thank heavens :) where I stayed until Tuesday. The care this time around was not great to be honest I'm high and regular doses of pain medications that they were regularly late with and it became frustrating i was so pleased to leave. 

Tuesday 28th August I was moved to Papworth back into one of my regular haunts in room 16 which has become quite the cosy hole for me. We've basically just been waiting all week and coming up with a plan of what to do. It was decided that surgery was the best option, it really is the only option remaining and failing that nothing has been discussed beyond yet. I have a lovely surgeon who will be performing the procedure and he is considered the 'best in the west' because he specialises in this particular field of surgery and is used to dealing on the most delicate of people and their delicate lungs. I certainly help by being a bit chunkier and not a minuscule size, that's always a benefit when it comes to operations. People seem positive but then again I wouldn't expect them not to be that would be weird turning up to people completely unsure of what they were about to perform 

Okay so tonight is the night before the OP and I'm nervous but Great British Bake Off is about to come on and I can think of nothing better to distract me from my stress and my risky operation than GBBO. Wish me luck for tomorrow and hopefully the next time i speak to you I'll have a lung that wants to do as it's told :)
As always, thank-you for reading and chat soon


When your Lung gives up...

It's nice to be writing to you all, I mean really, really nice as I genuinely thought I potentially may not. "Why?" I hear you cry, well I have had a busy two weeks of dealing with this crappy old body of mine as my left lung decided it wanted to collapse, go you body lol. 

It was a boiling hot Sunday of the 29th of July 2018 and I woke up complaining of the weather as I have been doing religiously during this heatwave, so not a particularly unusual start but I got up, came downstairs and went for the loo and then walked back into our living room when my chest just sort of felt really, really heavy and full like someone had filled it with fluid or concrete or something. It was super hard to breathe my chest just didn't seem to want to expand or it hurt to breathe out so me being me I just assumed I had pulled a muscle or I just had fluid going on so I decided to see if the feeling would pass because a lot of times with me I just need to have rest and give things time and they eventually pass but I was feeling more off than usual and I was super anxious so much so that I had to call Mark away from his friends which I NEVER do! We did give it time but by about 3/4pm we decided it was probably time to give someone a ring. 

We initially rang my hospice care to see what they thought and because its a weekend you obviously get less services available but they suggested we ring 111 which we maybe normally wouldn't do but because it was a Sunday and Norwich had just had their Pride day so a&e was going to be busy we really wanted to avoid that if necessary so we rang 111 who assured us a GP would be out to us "within a couple of hours." I thought 'okay, I can wait a few hours...' at this point still thinking i've only pulled something although breathing definitely more laboured at this point. We waited 7/8 hours for a GP which I think in anyones book is unreasonable! I understand our services are stretched but if I had rung an ambulance I would have been seen immediately due to my heart and lung issues and I'm unsure as to why this wasn't the case when it came to the 111 services. A GP and I use the term GP loosely, appeared at around midnight, I'm unsure this man could have diagnosed a cold if i'm honest. He listened to my chest and took my BP and that was it and said "I don't know, go to A&E" EXCUSE ME?! Not a thing about what my chest sounded like, no opinion on anything for me to make an informed decision for myself. He didn't even tell me that my left lung sounded quiet which it most definitely would have done. It was a bewildering experience, Me and Mark managed to get rid of him and then decided as much as I was reluctant that it was best to go to A&E sooner rather than later, so off we toddled, so sure I was that I had only pulled something we didn't even take anything with us, which is so unlike me LOL. 

We turned up at A&E at the Norwich and Norfolk hospital and I cannot credit them enough they really were fantastic with me. We got to the waiting room where we told the woman our story;- transplant, can't wait in a room full of people due to immunosuppression, only a quarter tank of oxygen left, wait 8hrs for a GP etc. and the lovely receptionist went straight to nurses who called us through to triage immediately and we were on the A&E majors wards within 10/15minutes. Here is where we discovered I had a collapsed lung and was moved to Resus just in case and put on 15litres of oxygen. We we were eventually moved to their Respiratory ward by 7am and at this point me and Mark were exhausted! We had been up for about 24 hours with no sleep as sleep in A&E was impossible, the best you could do was close your eyes and hope you were resting a little. When were finally on the Respiratory ward and everyone had spoken to the relevant doctors, as N&N were keen to make sure they were doing everything by Papworths books, things happened fairly swiftly. 

I officially have experienced my WORST procedure to date lol. Now up until this point I have always said my worst procedure thing I've had done to me is the drain removal post transplant as that really was quite horrendous for me but having a drain put in really has taken over that for me. I wasn't allowed any pain relief or anaesthetic and I genuinely never want to have that done again it hurt so much, I swore and shouted and screamed my head off when it was going in and poor Marks hand I can't imagine what I did to it. That being said the relief really was immediate, it was like a gush of air just suddenly entering my body and like I had been holding my breathe without knowing it and that was an amazing feeling and actually probably worth the pain just to be able to breathe (albeit on my 20% Lung Function lol.)

Right so now I'm all drained up and sorted in that regard we just had to give my lung time to heal itself and see if it had re-inflated. A normal person lungs takes only a few days to do so but it's hard to tell with someone like me as my lungs are so damaged so it was one big wait and see game which i was happy to play as I was in no rush to get out as I wanted to make sure everything was okay too. After a few days I was only left with between 10-40ml of air leaking from my lung but x-rays had shown that my lung was properly re-inflated so we didn't know where this air was coming from and meant I could have a possible leak which would have complicated matters. N&N did everything impeccably but unfortunately nothing was really going to get done until I got to Papworth where they could actually make decisions and get stuff done we were just waiting for a bed. Papworth had a bed for me ready and eventually I got there Saturday 5th August I won't go into the drama of transport though LOL. At this point we really dd just have to wait and see if I stopped "leaking" which I seemed to eventually but we were all being very cautious because we didn't want to remove the drain and then find that my lung just decided to deflate again. So we decided to clamp off the drain for 4 hours to see if my lung decided to do anything and if it didn't we would do another x-ray make sure the lung is still looking good and then hopefully remove the drain. 

On Tuesday 7th It was the day! I finally had the drain removed and miracle beyond miracle my lung decided to behave! Yay! 

Now what does this mean in the long run and why did it happen in the first place? 
  1. The reason it happen in the first place is firstly my lungs are SHITE, utter total shite, they are beyond damaged! End of. They are continually getting worse the longer time goes on and thats just a fact, deterioration is just a fact of Chronic rejection and ultimately they're is no stopping it. Pre collapsed lung however Papworth had discovered a very minor and small pneumothorax which is a pocket of air in the lung which they had decided to let be, but this may have contributed to the lung collapsing but in a CT scan I had done we discovered lots of little Polyps which are also little pockets of air in the lungs but little ones dotted around the place and one of those potentially could have popped creating the lung collapse. This can happen from coughing too hard, breathing too hard, physio, a bump to the chest, so really minor things can do it which is worrying for me really because some of these I physcially am unable to stop from happening :-/. 
  2. The plan from now really is to rest, A LOT, the overall recovery time for a "normal" person with a collapsed lung is 6-8weeks so obviously I'm just going to have to be careful for longer but the initially first few weeks are vital! I've been told this probably aka more than likely WILL happen again. It wasn't what I wanted to hear but it was not a surprise. If my lung had not have re-inflated the way they wanted the next step was seeing if it was a leak that needed fixing and if that wasn't the case Glue was the next step! So if my lung decide to collapse again we may end up having to Glue it and my Dr has already pre-warned me that it is not the most pleasant of processes so I cannot wait for that experience! (dripping with sarcasm)
So we have a plan or at least an outline of a plan for when this happens again and at least I'm more prepared should this happen again. It has been a very difficult admission for me because I do always feel as though I'm teetering on the edge of cliff all the time and as someone who suffers from vertigo trust me it's not that pleasant! Death is forever at the forefront of my life, not always acknowledged but definitely always there. Whilst at Papworth I was very aware of the fact that this is the place that I'm probably going to die and where a lot of my friends have died and that certainly did not go unnoticed, I felt very mournful whilst I was there because it's not like I ever leave the hospital "well" I leave with a patch up hoping that it sticks for a little while and that's my reality but certainly a sad reality. 

Regardless of that I am certainly thrilled to be home even if it is on strict rest as I'm so happy to see my Little Baby Marizuki! It was torture for meant seeing him, I was so afraid he would forget me so Mark was face timing me with him everyday. I know it's silly but it's little things like that, that really keep you going and I really just wanted my baby. I'm so pleased to be home just so Mark can get a bit of a "rest" as well as he's be driving up to the hospitals everyday and spending all day with me and in this weather is has been quite yucky and I'm boring in hospital as I sleep quite a lot so I'm just happy that we can both get on with our life again. Hospital really does just press a massive pause on life so yay to home! 

I hope you have all been well during these past few weeks and will write again soon :-D      

As always, thank-you for reading and chat soon


Surviving Summer...

Surviving Summer.... Basically I'm not, lol. 

Okay so I am obviously surviving to an extent otherwise how the hell am I writing this? It is certainly hard work though. Britain just is not made for heatwaves and neither are the people that inhabit the place and then add in a chronic/terminal illness and really there just is NO coping whatsoever. As I have mentioned on many a occasion I don't ever complain about colder weather because it then gives me the right to complain when this happens and boy have I been complaining but not just for the sake of complaining because I just really cannot cope with this weather and I'm finding it so, so difficult daily. 

I am trying though and Mark is really helping even though he is finding this weather just as difficult to deal with. Unfortunately one of my drugs has a side affect of excessive sweating and it just so happens for me that seems to all come out of my head, so any photos of me at the moment are literally of me with my hair up because when it's down it just looks like I've washed it it's that wet, it's gross! So any photos with my hair down are usually a selfie and probably just after I've washed it and it hasn't had a chance to get sweaty wet yet LOL. I'm trying to smile my way through this but I genuinely am finding this weather so difficult, moving around just gets me out of puff and I'm so tired all of the time and all I want to do is sleep. I know I have chronic fatigue but this is just a level of tired I have never experienced before in my life. 

I had clinic on June 28th, so a couple of Thursdays a go and I didn't get the best news. I've been putting a lot of why I'm finding things so difficult down to the weather and of course it is definitely playing a big part in my coping at the moment but I had a CT scan which I'm really pleased they decided to do but the CT scan showed a few things which aren't unexpected especially with the Chronic Rejection. So I was told I have a small Pneumothorax (posh medical language, look at me Oooo lol), which for those not in the know is just a small pocket of air in my lung or commonly known as a collapsed lung. However in me it is just a very small pocket at the top of my right lung that we can leave be as it would probably cause more drama to fiddle with it. We looked at my CT from last March next to this one and the comparison is really quite obvious there is much more scaring in the lungs, infection is swarming the place and although my Aspergillious cavity is smaller it is however right next to the wall now and full of crap. My Dr asked if I was in a particular pain in my chest of which I can't say I am but I do take a heck of a lot of morphine painkillers so potentially wouldn't know anyway but apparently the fact that my aspergillious cavity is pretty much on my lung wall means I should be in quite severe pain from it... At least that means my pain meds are doing their job hey?! LOL 

So basically I have deteriorated, whoop. I'm okay about it though as it has been TWO years since I was diagnosed with Chronic Rejection and it would be stupid to think I could go on forever without at least a little bit of deterioration. I think sometimes though people think that when I say I'm stable that, that is a good thing and the thing is it is but it isn't as well. Yes to be stable is good but I think people forget that I'm stable at a extremely LOW level of health therefore I'm still battling things that normal people would consider awful and probably wouldn't be categorising them as being stable. I guess stable is just my word for people to say I'm not worse but still battling on. 

I think whilst this weather continues I would not consider myself stable at all as I'm also still battling a infection which drs have decided is going nowhere so now I just have to measure my level of coping with it, so when it gets too much I will opt to go on IV's which probably won't get rid of it but may dampen it down enough that we can control it but once again I have to be really careful that I don't go on the IV's just willy nilly as my body will get too used to them and there is no alternative after them. So persevering for the moment. I am sure though that once this weather cools a bit I will be coping much better. In the mean time though I'm basically living in front of our Dyson fan which is already worth its weight in gold!    

As always, thank-you for reading and chat soon


Gathering Frustration...

Okay so I'm not a moaner I never have been not really and if I do/have moaned then there's usually a very good reason for it. I know some of you reading this will be wondering why there has been a severe lack of blogposts on my part over the past say 9 months (estimate.) I just haven't been able to express myself to you guys fully I suppose, or maybe that's wrong to say I  know what I want to say a lot of the time and things I want to talk about but it would just appear like I'm moaning and I don't just want to moan at you that's not who I am but my situation certainly brings out that side in me sometimes. At the moment this is what I need and i guess I'm just pre-warning you that this post could appear moany so if you aren't up for that today then carry on no further. 

I sometimes tell myself off when I feel a little sorry for myself because there's part of me that thinks I should have no right to complain at my situation because I am still alive albeit living with Chronic Rejection and I did get my transplant so what do I have to complain about? Well I've decided I have every right to moan because you know what my life on the daily is bloody hard work! 

- I live in constant pain.
- I wake up everyday feeling sick.
- I'm on constant pain medication.
- I'm on a strict regime of pills, nebulisers and physio.
- Walking more than 10 metres is near impossible without having to sit down and rest.
- I'm coughing so much phlegm it's disgusting. 
- I have no energy and constantly need a nap.
- Doing something as simple as brushing my teeth, getting changed, bathing, brushing my hair makes me out of breath.
- I now need a wheelchair whenever I'm outside. 
- I currently have stomach issues that nobody can figure out and don't seem that inclined to either.
- Most recently I have a infection that doctors seem to have decided isn't an infection and just "normal" phlegm [roll your eyes here.]

Okay so there's a few of the things I deal with on a daily basis and these by no mean, means I don't enjoy my life, I DO! I really do. Mark goes above and beyond when it comes to making life fun and enjoyable for me and we really do some fun trips like to Edinburgh, Cornwall, Paris, Rotterdam, The Lake District and so on, lovely days out and even just a trip to a lovely pub garden for a drink, or a cafe for a cup of tea is nice for me but that's the thing sometimes those things are made impossible by my body. Sometimes we book things which we then have to cancel because I'm too ill or we'll be on a trip and I'll get poorly whilst we're there and therefore the trip becomes more about resting where ever we're staying. 

I guess my frustration has built up and come to a bit of head this week because I had a urgent clinic on Thursday because I have my lung infection back after having only been on IV's 4 weeks ago and in combination with this horribly humid weather my breathing has been getting worse and I've been sleeping A LOT. Now I admire Papworth and my Doctors for everything they've done for me and still continue to do for me but I felt somewhat swept to one side on Thursday. I felt like I was telling them how hard I was finding things and all I was really getting was "There's only so much we can do..." and I totally understand in my situation there is only so much they can do but I wasn't asking for them to make me "better" because we all know that's impossible but I got the impression that, that was what they thought I was asking for. I wasn't. I just want this infection to go away to feel how I felt pre infection of 6 weeks ago I wasn't asking for miracles. We all know that with this Chronic Rejection stability is the vital thing and whilst I have this infection I don't feel stable and that is unnerving for me and when one of your doctors decides to state the stat that even if the transplant had gone as planned the average life expectancy is still only 5 years, I'm not naive I am fully aware of this fact but it's not something you need reminding of when you've just hit your 3 year transplant anniversary, tact comes to mind. 

At my clinic they also decided to tell me that they didn't actually think it was an infection and possibly just inflammation in my lungs and I understand where they are coming from because it's hard to justify putting me on further IV's when my body doesn't seem to present in the normal ways, my x-rays never show anything, they never hear anything on my chest even though I'm coughing up tonnes of green phlegm, my O2 sats are always normal and everything would "appear" to be fine. That's the way I have always been though, I never get temperatures even when I had sepsis I didn't get a temperature until they put me on antibiotics to treat it, I put 12 kilos of fluid on without anyone noticing because it just didn't appear anywhere on my body, Doctors NEVER hear anything on my chest ever! For as long as doctors have been listening to my chest they never hear anything. I guess what I'm saying is I'm worried that by disregarding my infection and deciding to treat it less severely than an infection that it might lead to worse things. 

We didn't leave clinic completely deflated though we aired our worries and I certainly feel like they listen to me and always allow me to air my concerns and certainly take them on board too and we did leave with a "treatment plan" to try and help which I felt better about and I also do understand we can't just stick me on IV's willy nilly as my body could get too used to them so I am happy to give this a go. I just sometimes get the impression that they did the transplant and the whole chronic rejection thing is just a bit of a hassle for them I think we're all still surprised I'm still here but here I am and therefore it looks like they're going to have to continue to deal with me and my odd and strange body. 

I'm trying my best though, I am resting thoroughly, I'm doing my meds and treatments religiously and hopefully soon I'll find it's a making a difference as long as I can clear what's on my chest and I think once the weather changes and cools a bit I'll be able to cope better :). 

As always, thank-you for reading and chat soon


Stacie on the road:- "Cornish Adventure..."

St Moritz - Polzeath, Cornwall

After Mark and my Edinburgh trip we decided a relaxed trip was very much in need especially with our current goings on in life (also the reason for lack of blogs, sorry!) So we decided Cornwall might be a lovely way to go and I was fortunate enough that I happened across The St Moritz hotel on Instagram, someone I follow happened to be staying there and I just thought it look amazing and the area looked so peaceful and so relaxing so that was that we had to stay there. 

I wasn't quite prepared for how lovely the hotel was going to be or quite how accommodating for our needs it would be. As a disabled/terminally ill person finding hotels that have EVERYTHING you require is virtually impossible, there is almost always something missing and usually you just have to accept that that is the case, well not here. The St Moritz was utterly amazing; we had a suite, it had a kitchen, a living/dining area, a conservatory, a patio, a great sized double bedroom and fully accessible bathroom. Every corner of that suite was accessible to my wheelchair! They even had a hoist if that was a requirement of mine which it could possibly be for future stays as I get worse as it led from Bath, toilet to bed which I thought really was great!

There really is nothing about our room that I think could have been improved on and I genuinely never thought we'd find a room that could do that because there is always something, you know, there is always something and whether that sounds pessimistic to you then fine but in our experience there really is always something missing but not here. 

Our stay was lovely though, unfortunately I was quite poorly during this trip which was completely unexpected but having such a beautiful and comfortable place to stay really made the trip so enjoyable, I booked myself in for a Manicure and Pedicure and Mark used their Pool and spa facilities. It was quite lovely to have a Mani-Pedi as it really is one of those things that takes a side seat when you're poorly as you're so focused on just pills, doctors, appointments, and just generally keeping up with other things in life that aren't your nails lol. The staff were second to none as well they were just so friendly and accommodating but not in that annoying on top of you way and you didn't feel uncomfortable asking for something if you needed anything. It really was just a amazing experience for a hotel and me and Mark very rarely say we'll go back to a specific hotel but we've actually already decided we'll be making a return visit at some point this year, we really did love it that much. 

Padstow - Cornwall

Padstow we only spent the day and we definitely need longer than a day really but we actually found we really loved it here. So many people said to us that we had to visit Padstow and that we had to go here or there whilst we were there. Now I'm one of those people that if too many people are saying something is great it probably isn't that great if you know what I mean? A bit like "The Walking Dead" or those really horrendous critically acclaimed films that are actually crap and shouldn't be winning anything. So I worried people were hyping up Padstow and I'd actually be super disappointed, I wasn't thankfully.

Mark and I really did have a wonderful walk along their bike trail which we plan on doing more of next time and actually might hire out a bike with a bit for me to sit in :-D. We went in some of the shops and had a general wonder of the harbour and took note of the restaurants and place we had to come back to see. One thing we did do whilst we were there was try out Rick Steins fish and chips and I'm going to be completely honest with you all and say, I wasn't impressed..... I'm sorry guys! I just wasn't I had cod bites and chips and although the cod bites were lovely the chips just didn't live up to expectation. We actually have a fish and chip place here in Norwich that I regard much more highly, "Grosvenor Fish Bar" absolutely amazing fish and chips in my opinion :-/. That being said however he did have some amazing ice-cream which was really yummy!

We got really lucky with weather this day and spent our whole day just having a lovely time and we can't wait to make a return. The weather has however led to my current downfall (to be revealed...)

Fistral Beach Hotel and Spa - Newquay, Cornwall

Next stop was our next hotel which was Fistral Beach hotel and spa. Now this was also a lovely hotel but you know how I said there's usually always something missing when you're of the disabled variety? Well this is a prime example. As lovely as hotels are and can be they can be let down by their lack of thought when it comes to someone with accessible needs. Firstly it was like an obstacle course or marathon length to get to the reception in the first place when having a simple ramp would have been ample enough but no you had to go through two restaurant areas, actually past the reception, up past their toilets and past their spa area, back through the bar area and finally you were at the reception area. All credit to them though their check in service was lovely with a lovely complimentary drink that was quite tasty. 

Now I completely understand that all hotel rooms aren't going to be like the St Moritz so the Fistral Beach hotel did have quite a lovely room with a lovely bathroom and its defining feature was certainly it's view. Mark and I  always enjoy a lovely sea view and we love waking up to the sound of the sea and just being able to see it from your room so it was definitely worth it for that. MY only annoyance I suppose was having steps up to the room, they were only two but I really feel for any guest who is disabled who physically is incapable of walking at all luckily I can at least combat two steps. 

Here is where I discovered my sunburn :-/ and not just 'ye olde' regular sunburn, actual great big old blistering sun burn. Mark and I weren't even in the sun for that long whilst in Padstow but my knees were exposed and due to my severely immunosuppressed immune system when I get sunburnt I REALLY get sunburnt! I have been in agony for days now but, we're dealing with it. Lots of Aloe Vera Gel at the moment :-). It didn't stop us getting out though, with the disappointment of Rick Stein's in Padstow we decided instead to give "The Fish House" next door which is by the chef who actually studied under Rick Stein for 15years. Now this was much better or maybe it was because we didn't really have any expectations but I had a 'Fish Finger sandwich,' Mark had a Seabass wrap and we shared bread and squid. It was Soooo Yummy!!! 

Although Mark and I had brought my off road wheelchair with us and had been using it we actually decided that to get on the beach we should give their accessible wheelchair a go and see how it compared to our one. Bare in mind they are different as in technically the wheels especially. Our wheels are more like bike wheels whereas as you can see in the picture these are more round and bouncy like, wheels with a greater surface area. Now as a passenger I feel safer in our chair but not dangerously unsafe in this one. Mark says they both have their pros and cons. Our wheelchair isn't amazing with the softer sand but can combat it whereas this chair gets over the softer sand more easily probably because of the wider tyres. However on the harder, wetter sand our chair is much better although this one still does the job. Both however still require a bit of a push if you're going uphill on soft sand so may require a strong surfer guy to help out lol. 

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Overall our trip really was lovely even though I was quite poorly throughout I did find that I really did like Cornwall a lot! I spent a lot of my childhood in Devon so know I love that kind of area anyway but to experience it as an adult is lovely. I know our trips are always slightly marred by my illness but we still manage it regardless of that. People do sort of seem to see the holidays and I wonder whether they think they are easy? I hope not in a sense because Mark really goes out of his way to plan our trips to a T so that if anything really does occur and go wrong we're in a position that we can cope with it and get it sorted. There is so much planning and sometimes stress behind our trips before we actually go on them and I guess we don't show that side of things very often and that is also why it is so important for us to have a nice place to stay that accommodates to our needs because sometimes if I do get poorly that is predominately where we'll be staying and you certainly don't want somewhere dreary and dower if you're going to be ill. 

We really can't thank the St Moritz enough though for being so accommodating and providing us with our first hotel ever that we actually will be returning to! :-)

As always, thank-you for reading and chat soon



Hello my beautiful people! So okay I realise it has been sometime since I've blogged, I apologise profusely, you see it's not my fault! A kitten is very time consuming.... in that I just stare at him and lay him all day, it's his fault really :-D Hey I'm here though and I'm doing a blog that I've wanted to do for a very long time and it is my Subscriptions boxes blog!! I'm a great believer in treating oneself, it may sound self indulgent and it kind of is but I think that's okay and certainly mandatory sometimes. 

Personally I have THREE Subscription boxes that I subscribe to, I know, "three?!" I hear you cry well yes three. They are all different and all serve a different purpose but I love each of them equally and they really are like getting special surprise gifts from myself as I don't know what's coming. So here are MY subscription boxes... 


Now Birchbox is my second subscription service I ever purchased, "where's your first?" you ask, well my first was glossy box but i switched to Birchbox just out of preference. Birchbox is a beauty box which sends 5 items monthly which are catered to you and what you need which they figure out from a little survey you take when you sign up. They send make-up, skin care products, bathroom things, makeup tools, all sorts which are lovely items to discover and try out. There are regularly themes to the boxes and they have some really lovely designs of the boxes too as they team up with designers who do some lovely work. I think my favourite part and this is kind of lame is that their boxes are little drawers and because of how beautiful the boxes are i've ket them all and use them as storage!

I absolutely love Birchbox and I think the fact I have been a member for nearly 8 months demonstrates that love. 

£12.95 --> Birchbox


Papergang I have been getting since January and really love it, if you aren't into stationary, this probably isn't one for you but I do and it really provides for my scrapbooking too. March saw them go in a different direction with a tube which i actually quite liked and I really loved the print that came with it. Papergang team up with a different designers/illustrators each month and provide some really unique and quirky bits which also introduce you to some really lovely new designs and designers to get into and buy from. 

£10.95 --> Papergang
Buddy Box

Buddy Box is great! Now Buddy Box stems from a foundation by the name of "The Blurt Foundation" they seem like a lovely foundations who's main aim is to help people through bad times be that with depression, anxiety all that type of stuff and essentially what Buddy Box is, is a hug in box every month. They want to make you happy! It is basically a box of positivity which i love exploring through and they always have a theme, this months being "One Step at a Time" and thy have cute little illustrations to accompany them and everything is just catered to make you smile I think. 

I really advise this one for anyone that really just needs a happy boost or a bit of a self confidence boost. 

£21.50 --> Buddy Box

As always, thank-you for reading and chat soon


We got a cat... kitten (yep there’s a difference) 

Photo credit: Mark Watson
Yep that’s right people! We got a little tiny, itty bitty kitten. His name is Marzuki (Marks choice, inspiration from one of his favourite musicians), he is a half Ragdoll half British Shorthair and was born on the 25th December 2017 so is a mere 9 weeks old! The fact that he is 50/50 from two different pedigree parents doesn’t actually mean he himself is a pedigree he just happens to have them as parents and they made him and his little bros and sisters. Little Marzuki is the runt of his litter and it’s basically like a match made in heaven I think. 

What led to the arrival of Marzuki I hear you ask? Especially when Mark is allergic to animal fur, I’m dying and won’t out live my own cat, we travel, so on and so on... Well let me tell you it hasn’t been a easy or quick decision AT ALL! We’ve been towing and throwing with the idea for a good 6 months at the VERY least. We all know I love cats! They are a part of my soul they make everything better I’m that odd girl that says “who needs children when you can have cats?!” And I get that look of disgust from people who have children who can’t believe I’m even comparing that ‘miracle of life’ that THEY produced, who’s probably some little shit that deserves no dessert, to an animal that in their opinion may as well be trash. I’ve been joking around for absolutely ages and actually probably since I’ve been with Mark that we should get a cat always with the response of not a chance which I’ve always accepted and that’s always been totally fine. Mark is allergic to animal fur not so much so that if he touches one he’ll balloon or his airways will lock just in the way that he uses his inhaler a lot more around animals and if he’s touched them becomes itchy and it just means a immediate wash of clothing occurs when we return home. I’ve never pushed the issue, I do however show mark A LOT of cat videos on Instagram, Facebook and Twitter kind of on a constant irritating level. So Mark one day suggested that it might be something we could do... that was until my cat Alfie decided to do a disappearing act on us and was gone for quite some time luckily my father found him (my dad’s uh-mazing at finding our lost cats I don’t know how but he just has a amazing ability to draw them out of hidey holes and calm them enough that they want to come home). Alfie’s disappearing act scared us both but definitely put Mark on the back burner to wanting any pet. I still was constantly looking at cat videos as I do and Mark started looking at the cats that were for sale again. We then came across a few kittens that we just loved Marzuki’s litter being the main contender and the thing with kittens is for some reason they sell really fast so if we were going to have him we had to make a decision pretty tout suite and that’s when we decided on Feb 13th. We were really taken with Marzuki he was so cute from his picture and I’ve never actually had a ginger cat before so I thought why not now and we decided we had to have him. We couldn’t collect him until the following Monday but thankfully that gave us time to get everything that we needed to prepare for his arrival! 

It’s been quite a long time since I’ve been in a pet store really, it’s been years since my Alfie and Ollie have been interested in cat toys and all cat food tends to be brought from supermarkets. Mark and I traipsed our way into several different pet stores only to be bombarded by a million varieties of litters and pet foods. We had to consider the pros and cons of grain vs non grain, dry diet or wet diet or both or whether he even liked wet or dry food. We had to buy A LOT of toys because we don’t know what he currently likes so mice, balls, a flamingo, a duck, ball tower, scratch boxes, carpets, simple box, many blankets, a tunnel! We brought a lot. 

Monday arrived and I honestly have never been so nervous and excited at the same time. I’ve never had to be responsible for a little life before I mean I’ve had cats but they’ve always been family pets so all I’ve ever had to provide is the love really. Little Marzuki needs me to give him love, play, food, water, when Mark’s not around I have to deal with his bodily functions, clean his little face when he’s all covered in food and his little feeties when he accidentally steps in his poopies! It’s VERY daunting! 

We’ve had him a week now and he is just the cutest thing he seems to have taken to us really quickly we’re having a few teething problems just with litter training, he knows exactly where the litter tray is but when he first got here literally within minutes he had a little accident in a corner so now he can sometimes be confused as to if he’s allowed to go there or not. So lots of positive reinforcement is happening and he never gets shouted at and is constantly given much love! He’s been to the vets already and he’s doing good, he’s a little underweight but that’s because he was the runt of his litter so me and Mark are very focused on getting the best food for him and making sure he’s eating enough so when he goes back he’ll have put a chunky bit of weight on. We also found that he has ear mites which is really annoying for him, I had noticed he was itching his ears a lot so was adamant the vet check them I was like a over zealous mother when we went into the vets appointment room... “I really think he might have something up with his ears, can you please give them a check” like the poor woman wouldn’t have checked them anyway haha! Apparently they’re super common in kittens and happen more often than they don’t because they have low immune systems. So me and Mark have our first proper parental duty and have to give him ear drops daily and cotton wool his little ears. It’s not something he enjoys but he’s already itching less so it’s obviously doing the trick. He really didn’t enjoy his carry cage on the way home from the vets he had just been jabbed by the eat and fiddled with so who could blame him so he got a nice snuggly ride with me on the way back :-). 

I personally think we’re doing quite well especially considering who we are as people. We both love him so much already Marzuki certainly helps me, I worry for his well being more than my own so I don’t overly analyse things when I feel dodgy or a bit unwell I’m more focused on what Marzuki is doing and how he is and whether he’s alright. I do however fear we’ve just added extra responsibility for Mark which isn’t something we ideally want but I think the benefits of Marzuki hopefully outweigh that addition. 

Luckily getting Marzuki as a kitten as well is great as it means Marks allergies can adjust to him and hopefully won’t be severe. We’ve also got a “Cat Hotel” that we’ll be using for when we go on longer trips which actually probably costs more than our actual hotels we stay in haha!! 

I’ll keep you all updated on Marzuki’s progress as we go. It if you do want more timely updates he has his very own little Instagram @marzukicat for those that are intrigued :-) 

As always, thank-you for reading and chat soon


Stacie on the road:- "Lakes Getaway..."

Sunday 28th January 2018

So people I'm actually on holiday as I type! "Ooo... Errrr..." "Magic!" I know I'm so 'on' my game LOL. So no t's not magic it's actually just I've brought my macbook with me and thought I could get some writing done whilst we were here as I really haven't sat down and talked in a good long while so this is me doing that and I thought I may as well try and document the holiday whilst I was on it and therefore it will be so much more accurate than any of my previous posts where I've simply just remembered. 

We left on Friday and travelled 6hours, I slept a lot of it and I still maintain I have some kind of narcolepsy because I honestly physically cannot stay awake in cars for long at all, I have tried so hard and it just doesn't happen, I feel so awful for Mark as he then ends up having to drive basically on his own or maybe that's a blessing? He doesn't have to listen to me drone on LOL. We got here though and it's a beautiful little converted barn and SO accessibility friendly, I'm SO impressed;- it's all on one floor, has wide doors, wide corridors, very spacious living and kitchen area, beautiful bedrooms (There are two), the bathroom is really spacious and makes showering me nice and easy as we've brought my shower stall to help :), there's also a log burner which is really lovely. Even from just the couple of days we've been here I totally already recommend it. 

This trip really is a relaxing one for us we don't plan on being massive tourists we really do just need a rest physically and certainly mentally, I'm not sure people quite understand the toll living with a chronic and terminal illness has on a person and certainly the partner of a person. So today we actually ventured out for Sunday lunch to a really cute pub and luckily we have a tiny little village that's a 2 minute drive down the road that has everything we need and it really is just the loveliest little getaway so far. 

Wednesday 31st January 2018

Gosh the weather really has been a tad on the awful side, extremely windy very wet and just generally cold and drizzly which admittedly I haven't minded that much because the place we're staying is so lovely and cosy I don't mind being inside listening to all the goings on outside. The log burner is getting lots of use and Mark seems to have really got the hang of using it, I mean I won't touch the thing we don't need anyone burning a house down now do we? LOL. We have managed to get out to the Lakes though and sent a lovely morning afternoon walking/being pushed around a lake, it was a bit hillier than first thought though so it was tough going for Mark, he did so well though bless him, I was SO impressed. Luckily at the end of our walk there was quite a steep hill and a lovely bunch of people could see how hard Mark must have been finding it at this point after pushing me around for so long and offered to help which was SO lovely of them. 

That's something I find with the country, people generally seem more willing to help when you're in a bit of a jam. Everyone seems really impressed with our off road wheelchair as well people always compliment it and ask how well it does with the terrain and whatnot. I'm quite proud of my little chair she does well with what we throw at her. She did have a minor issue on our way here though she had a bit of a puncture that we were worried about but we managed to find a little bike shop that actually managed to change her tyre there and then for next to nothing which was amazing! 

We also paid a visit to the Beatrix Potter exhibition which I thought was really cool! Unfortunately some of it was shut off due to a bit of refurbishment but that just meant we got a discount so no complaints from me :). It was really cute though seeing all the little animals all around and as a child I was never particularly "in to" Beatrix Potter but I knew of it and my mum had some lovely things from her childhood that she always showed us. I just thought it was a cute little thing to be able to see whilst we are here and omg I could have spent a fortune in their gift shop, I'm such a sucker for cuddly toys and all that type of stuff and they had literally all of the animals and I just wanted them all, but nope I restrained myself and managed to not buy them. They were a tad on the expensive side for the size of them. 

We're still really having a very relaxing time here and the weather is certainly making it much easy to just relax and not do too much, I seem to be catching up on some much needed sleep that I seemed to be lacking. Before coming here my sleep had for some reason become so broken and interrupted and I just wasn't sleeping very much at all and when I don't sleep it really starts to affect me both physically and mentally, I'm not sure why it was so bad but I think maybe I had a bit of anxiety leading up to my Papworth appointment? It's hard to really know but sometimes even if I'm not nervous about something it tends to show itself with my sleep and then poor Mark suffers as well because he's sat up with me at 2/3am making me a cup of tea listening to my rather energetic ramblings. So hopefully Mark's actually catching up on some sleep too lol. 

We'll hopefully get out this evening and again tomorrow for a little jaunt somewhere but so far I'm having a very peaceful time :).  

Thursday 1st February

Pinch Punch first of the month people. It is our last full day and we have been to a lovely pub and had lovely lunch, the people here are so friendly but luckily not in that horrid oppressive way when they don't know when enough is enough. I seem to have taken a liking to this ice-cream they have around here, it's chocolate and has chocolate chips in and I just seem to have taken to it, it's like their brand or something and I just really like it. I've just had THREE scoops, which if you know my eating habits at the moment would be hard to eat usually but nope all gone! :-D 

It has been lovely though and just the most relaxing little getaway which has been lovely I think it's something we've needed, just kind of a time to get away and organise things in our minds and decide what it is we need to get done and what we might do in the coming months, reflect a little. I'm still very cautious about organising things months and months in advance the furthest I have planned is August 25th whereby me and Candice are going to see Britney in concert and admittedly I wouldn't normally have planned that far in advance but sometimes you have to because it's not like I can wait till July and expect there to be tickets still. But I get best sister award for best Birthday present whoop! whoop! lol.  

Ultimately though I feel like we're going to be leaving here tomorrow in a lovely place mentally and when we get back we have plans to implement and sort out, personally I want to work on my legs. If I'm going to be like this for a extended period of time I'd like to try and gain some strength in my legs and hopefully it'll make things a bit easier for me and then maybe I can do a bit more for myself and then that in turn will help Mark and make things easier on him. So that's my personal main aim at the moment and we're planning our next adventure which might take more planning than any of our previous trips but it's potentially the most exciting one yet but that also means there might not be another trip for a little while, whilst we figure that one out and pay for it too haha! 

As always, thank-you for reading and chat soon