17.11.18

Absence...

source
Hello my wonderfully beautiful people. I apologise profusely for my continued blogging absence, it genuinely upsets me that i can't seem to get back into a routine with my blog, I so, so want to be blogging regularly but I'm never in that frame of mind to be able to do it. I have so many things I want to blog about and say but I can never bring myself to do it or I'm just to physically and mentally tired to do it. I mean I don't have tonnes and tonnes of adventures to be blogging about or anything but I do miss the cathartic nature of writing it all out in a blog post but the ability to do so just isn't there at the moment. I'm even surprised that I've started this one to be honest. 

What has been going on in the land of me though? Well I think I can say things have been going "smoothly," no major hiccups or traumas to speak of and actually i think we're managing to get on with life to a slightly normal degree. My body isn't being the best it has to be said. Although I have healed from my surgery quite nicely and I'm adjusting to any changes in my lungs since then I have been having some serious stomach issues which have been extremely painful. For a while these stomach pains were daily occurrences which would have me in so much pain it would make me cry and double over in pain and still does. Papworth unfortunately can't really do anything about it but luckily my palliative care doctors are being so amazing and really seem to want to try and solve the issue because although I'm terminal and poorly I shouldn't have to suffer in pain. So Mark and I went to a appointment whereby my lovely palliative care doctor sat with us for over an hour and discussed literally everything we could think of in association with the stomach pain trying to figure out potential catalysts and triggers, any kind of pattern that might occur all that type of thing. We do know that ultimately it probably is down to the amount of drugs I take as I'm on 24+ different types of meds daily which amounts to 70+ pills a day! That's not going to go down to well in a stomach especially when it's been a long running thing. We have tried to reduce any medicines that may not be needed but literally everything I'm on is a necessary drug which really makes it also impossible to pinpoint whether it's actually a specific drug causing the pain as so many of my drugs side affects are stomach related *sigh.* I went for a ultra sound scan the other day on my tummy and that also resulted in a internal scan as well because my womb and ovaries were hiding apparently. Can't say I particularly enjoyed the internal scan that much as I wasn't expecting it at all but I did it and I'm pleased I did as it then rules out anything sinister going on in the that area of my body. I've got a appointment next week with my doctor and she will see if there's anything going on. If not then we'll have to try and come up with a different plan of action. 

I'm really enjoying life though it has to be said. Me and Mark are currently embarking on quite a interesting venture that I won't announce just yet, just in case it decides not to happen and then I'll just be uber disappointed, but it's really exciting for us and is keeping us busy and our minds occupied. I think regardless of my health and how that can interfere with our life I'm still really enjoying it and so happy with our little family, Marzuki has been just the best addition to our lives, genuinely Mark and I have so much love for him he is like our little baby. He is just such a little character and I think if people could see us and the way we interact with each other they might think us a little odd but we do talk to him and he talks back with his varying degrees of miaow's we truly do have a way of communicating with each other. We spend so much time with him and he loves spending time with us, if we're in the apartment Marzuki is where we are, although any love given or received by him is very much on his terms he's such a independent little fellow. He really has brightened our lives in ways we didn't even know he would. Admittedly he can be a little poo sometimes but I think it makes us love him even more. 

I'm trying to get into the Christmas spirit but I just don't seem to be able to this year, I think the problem I'm having is the past 2 Christmases really have felt like they were supposed to be my "last Christmas" so this year it's like how do I top the past two? Once again this christmas could be my last christmas and once again that's more true than it's ever been but I feel like a broken record and there's only so many last christmases you can do, right?! I'm sure once December arrives I'll start feeling it but at the moment it's just not there for me, I haven't even brought a christmas jumper for this year or started wearing them yet and I think that demonstrates exactly how none christmasy i'm feeling. It's really quite sad. 

I am however really enjoying my colouring at the moment, I seem to be a colouring machine! I really do truly love it! I'm not like a pro colourist or anything and I'm not even that good, I just really enjoy the process of it, it's so calming and relaxing for me, it takes my mind off of things and I feel like I've accomplished something at the end of it. We're thinking of giving me a colouring nook :-D LOL. I've invested in some lovely pencils and some pens. You know I think if anyone with anxiety were to come to me and ask me what the one thing I would recommend to help with it was I think i would definitely recommend colouring its such a amazing calmer and really can just take you out of your own head for a a little while. Saying that actually, I have a carer come and look after me on a Monday, Wednesday and a Friday for a few hours at a time and swear she must think that's all I do haha! But she is so lovely my carer and feels more like a friend to me than a "carer," she's the same age has the same interests as me and really is just a lovely person, so I feel extremely fortunate to have gotten a carer that I get along with so well, especially as if I get worse I'm going to have to trust her to do more things for me and I certainly think it would be more helpful to really like the person if they are going to be doing any more personal care. 

I will try to blog more guys but like I said I do find it harder these days to get into that frame of mind but I will try I may have to sort a timetable out for myself or something, we shall see. But for now I shall bid you adieu :-) 

As always, thank-you for reading and chat soon